Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

If you want to see a friend and they have small kids (and yours are older or for whatever reason easier to manage in the evening), give them options and make it easy for them - one of my best friends has 3 young kids and when I want to see her I make plans with her to go to their house with an oven-ready meal or takeout, help her and her husband with bed time, and then she and I watch movies in our sweatpants and catch up. If you don't want to do the first part, you could offer to bring dessert and come over after the kids are down for movies/wine. Another friend with 2 under 2 I meet for walks in her neighborhood or a lunch picnic in the park. Sometimes we make it out for a kid-free meet up, but by making it easier on them I see them way more often than I would otherwise.

I also think it helps our friendship because they feel supported and I am reminded of how insane that period is, plus I am now closer to their kids than I probably would otherwise be.

If I want to go for a nice dinner or spa day, I text the friends who have K-12 aged kids or no kids. If the ones with small kids want to go out on the town, they'll let me know. It maybe happens once every couple of months. But I love their company and value their friendship, so the rest of the time I find other ways to see them without adding to their stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's too much of a PIA. Literally it's such a rat race at night - feeding the kids, walking the dog, making lunches for the next day, groceries, you name it. I'll go out once a month, but literally I could every week and still not go to every even I'm invited to. Plus, I enjoy my family.

subtext: you obviously dont

[Anonymous]

No, she does enjoy her family in the context of the current workload. Going out at night increases that workload. I wish somebody would ever show me the married man who has prepped anything at all for kids before going out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want to. Simple. I could.

Same. I get a few hours with my kid and they make me far happier than a happy hour.

Me too. I could. My DH would be supportive and can easily handle the kids alone. I just don’t want to. I would much rather spend time with my DH and kids. And I SAH. I get plenty of time with the kids. I want time with my husband. I’m more likely to get a sitter and meet for lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

What happens when you fly solo?

I have to put three kids to bed all by myself which I can do, of course, but it's stressful, so I prefer to avoid it.

[Anonymous]

I go out plenty, but for certain friends, I’ll be frank, I’d just rather do coffee or brunch or something quicker and not in the evening. Don’t assume that just because I’m not going out in the evenings with you, I’m not going out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I go out plenty, but for certain friends, I’ll be frank, I’d just rather do coffee or brunch or something quicker and not in the evening. Don’t assume that just because I’m not going out in the evenings with you, I’m not going out.

And on Wednesdays you better wear pink

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

Hon, your Music Together play dates with other spit-up soaked mommies don’t count as going out.

Haha, I work outside the home and routinely go on girls’ trips. Tomorrow night, I’m off to see Randy Rainbow at the Warner, dinner at Central beforehand, with my good friend and my brother and his boyfriend.

Randy Rainbow?!

Still chuckling that PP touts watching a B-list (if that) comedian as her Big Night Out with her A-Team (which includes her brother )

[Anonymous]

Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

[Anonymous]

Honestly? Bc I don’t want to deal with asking DH. It’s his personality but I’ll get like huffy “fine” with a sigh.

[Anonymous]

Because when I am able to carve out 2-3 hours, I don’t want to spend them with you. I want to spend them alone. I do not get alone time. Please understand I need less to do, not more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

Oh man, if this works, please please come and put my 1yo and (young) 3yo to bed tomorrow night and show me how it's done. You have to stay all night and be with them all day tomorrow through bedtime too though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because when I am able to carve out 2-3 hours, I don’t want to spend them with you. I want to spend them alone. I do not get alone time. Please understand I need less to do, not more.

This. So much this. I haven’t had more than an hour a week truly alone in almost two years and it wears on me. Both my kids are in a clingy phase, my DH wants attention and affection, and I just have no more to give to other people.

[Anonymous]

Until recently, bedtime was an absolute shitshow in my house. Both kids went upstairs at the same time, and every night, chaos and misbehavior ensued. Leaving one parent to deal with that alone would have been cruel.

But when one of the kids started school last month, he was tired earlier and happy to go to bed before his sibling even came upstairs. Bedtime is comparatively peaceful now, and one parent could pretty easily do it alone, though it would take a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

You must be trolling, or you have very compliant--or older--kids.