Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

Can you read?

Yes, can you? I bolded the important parts to help you follow along!

Here let me help you. Did that kindergartener and 5th grader spring fully formed from their parent’s head?

This back and forth is silly, but why answer with the present tense if your kids are older? And then refuse to acknowledge that your response was misleading, as though the person reading it is just an idiot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

I feel this so hard. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 3. He had night terrors and would scream until he threw up. I was a zombie and it took everything I had just to stay employed. My husband offered me a weekend away, but I couldn’t do it because I knew I couldn’t offer him a weekend away and I couldn’t be alone with my kids for 36-48 hours. My husband could do bedtime for our 2 kids alone, but I couldn’t go out because I knew I would likely be awake from 1-3am. Friends would ask how I was doing and I would say my toddler was a crap sleeper, but no one understands unless they also haven’t slept a full night for several years. I just kept putting things off with friends because I thought my kid would out grow it. Every month I thought “next month will be better” but it never was - not for a long time.

If someone had offered to come to my house and just sit and talk over a glass of wine for a hour once the kids were asleep and then leave, I would have been so grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want to. Simple. I could.

Same. I get a few hours with my kid and they make me far happier than a happy hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

Can you read?

Yes, can you? I bolded the important parts to help you follow along!

Here let me help you. Did that kindergartener and 5th grader spring fully formed from their parent’s head?

This back and forth is silly, but why answer with the present tense if your kids are older? And then refuse to acknowledge that your response was misleading, as though the person reading it is just an idiot?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

I feel this so hard. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 3. He had night terrors and would scream until he threw up. I was a zombie and it took everything I had just to stay employed. My husband offered me a weekend away, but I couldn’t do it because I knew I couldn’t offer him a weekend away and I couldn’t be alone with my kids for 36-48 hours. My husband could do bedtime for our 2 kids alone, but I couldn’t go out because I knew I would likely be awake from 1-3am. Friends would ask how I was doing and I would say my toddler was a crap sleeper, but no one understands unless they also haven’t slept a full night for several years. I just kept putting things off with friends because I thought my kid would out grow it. Every month I thought “next month will be better” but it never was - not for a long time.

If someone had offered to come to my house and just sit and talk over a glass of wine for a hour once the kids were asleep and then leave, I would have been so grateful.

Did you ask any of your friends to do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

I feel this so hard. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 3. He had night terrors and would scream until he threw up. I was a zombie and it took everything I had just to stay employed. My husband offered me a weekend away, but I couldn’t do it because I knew I couldn’t offer him a weekend away and I couldn’t be alone with my kids for 36-48 hours. My husband could do bedtime for our 2 kids alone, but I couldn’t go out because I knew I would likely be awake from 1-3am. Friends would ask how I was doing and I would say my toddler was a crap sleeper, but no one understands unless they also haven’t slept a full night for several years. I just kept putting things off with friends because I thought my kid would out grow it. Every month I thought “next month will be better” but it never was - not for a long time.

If someone had offered to come to my house and just sit and talk over a glass of wine for a hour once the kids were asleep and then leave, I would have been so grateful.

This! I would love for someone to just come over and hang out for a little while with zero pressure to cook, dress up, get a sitter or negotiate with my DH, etc. I'm so tired, but I love my friends and miss hanging out.

It's hard though. If they have kids they are in the same boat (and don't want to be the ones to travel). The ones without kids are more likely to come over but it's weird because sometimes it seems like they don't believe me when I say that this is what I want. I have to offer 3 or 4 times and they're still like "are you sure? I don't want to impose." At which point I get paranoid that they really don't want to come and are just being polite.

And Covid made this worse because until vaccines it was weird to invite people into your home for a while, and I think we're all socially awkward still from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

I feel this so hard. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 3. He had night terrors and would scream until he threw up. I was a zombie and it took everything I had just to stay employed. My husband offered me a weekend away, but I couldn’t do it because I knew I couldn’t offer him a weekend away and I couldn’t be alone with my kids for 36-48 hours. My husband could do bedtime for our 2 kids alone, but I couldn’t go out because I knew I would likely be awake from 1-3am. Friends would ask how I was doing and I would say my toddler was a crap sleeper, but no one understands unless they also haven’t slept a full night for several years. I just kept putting things off with friends because I thought my kid would out grow it. Every month I thought “next month will be better” but it never was - not for a long time.

If someone had offered to come to my house and just sit and talk over a glass of wine for a hour once the kids were asleep and then leave, I would have been so grateful.

This! I would love for someone to just come over and hang out for a little while with zero pressure to cook, dress up, get a sitter or negotiate with my DH, etc. I'm so tired, but I love my friends and miss hanging out.

It's hard though. If they have kids they are in the same boat (and don't want to be the ones to travel). The ones without kids are more likely to come over but it's weird because sometimes it seems like they don't believe me when I say that this is what I want. I have to offer 3 or 4 times and they're still like "are you sure? I don't want to impose." At which point I get paranoid that they really don't want to come and are just being polite.

And Covid made this worse because until vaccines it was weird to invite people into your home for a while, and I think we're all socially awkward still from that.

I used to do this with one of my girlfriends and she had young children and I was single. It was relaxing for me too. When her kids were older (and at their dad’s), I’d hoped she’d come visit me and my newborn. Nope. It was a bummer. Those nights with her were so great. I miss her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

I feel this so hard. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 3. He had night terrors and would scream until he threw up. I was a zombie and it took everything I had just to stay employed. My husband offered me a weekend away, but I couldn’t do it because I knew I couldn’t offer him a weekend away and I couldn’t be alone with my kids for 36-48 hours. My husband could do bedtime for our 2 kids alone, but I couldn’t go out because I knew I would likely be awake from 1-3am. Friends would ask how I was doing and I would say my toddler was a crap sleeper, but no one understands unless they also haven’t slept a full night for several years. I just kept putting things off with friends because I thought my kid would out grow it. Every month I thought “next month will be better” but it never was - not for a long time.

If someone had offered to come to my house and just sit and talk over a glass of wine for a hour once the kids were asleep and then leave, I would have been so grateful.

This! I would love for someone to just come over and hang out for a little while with zero pressure to cook, dress up, get a sitter or negotiate with my DH, etc. I'm so tired, but I love my friends and miss hanging out.

It's hard though. If they have kids they are in the same boat (and don't want to be the ones to travel). The ones without kids are more likely to come over but it's weird because sometimes it seems like they don't believe me when I say that this is what I want. I have to offer 3 or 4 times and they're still like "are you sure? I don't want to impose." At which point I get paranoid that they really don't want to come and are just being polite.

And Covid made this worse because until vaccines it was weird to invite people into your home for a while, and I think we're all socially awkward still from that.

I used to do this with one of my girlfriends and she had young children and I was single. It was relaxing for me too. When her kids were older (and at their dad’s), I’d hoped she’d come visit me and my newborn. Nope. It was a bummer. Those nights with her were so great. I miss her.

I'm PP and I'm sorry, that's sad. I can relate because I was almost the last person in both my family and friend group to have a kid. It's a bummer because when their kids were young, it was easy for me to visit, spend time with their kids, hang out at their houses, etc. But by the time I had my DC, their kids were in elementary and middle school and their lives just didn't allow for that kind of hanging out. I felt pretty isolated during my maternity leave and the infant/toddler years because I'd had this idea in my head of what it would be like based on the time I'd spent with my friends during that stage. But instead I was mostly alone. It was hard.

I don't think people understand how lonely it is to go last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

I feel this so hard. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 3. He had night terrors and would scream until he threw up. I was a zombie and it took everything I had just to stay employed. My husband offered me a weekend away, but I couldn’t do it because I knew I couldn’t offer him a weekend away and I couldn’t be alone with my kids for 36-48 hours. My husband could do bedtime for our 2 kids alone, but I couldn’t go out because I knew I would likely be awake from 1-3am. Friends would ask how I was doing and I would say my toddler was a crap sleeper, but no one understands unless they also haven’t slept a full night for several years. I just kept putting things off with friends because I thought my kid would out grow it. Every month I thought “next month will be better” but it never was - not for a long time.

If someone had offered to come to my house and just sit and talk over a glass of wine for a hour once the kids were asleep and then leave, I would have been so grateful.

This! I would love for someone to just come over and hang out for a little while with zero pressure to cook, dress up, get a sitter or negotiate with my DH, etc. I'm so tired, but I love my friends and miss hanging out.

It's hard though. If they have kids they are in the same boat (and don't want to be the ones to travel). The ones without kids are more likely to come over but it's weird because sometimes it seems like they don't believe me when I say that this is what I want. I have to offer 3 or 4 times and they're still like "are you sure? I don't want to impose." At which point I get paranoid that they really don't want to come and are just being polite.

And Covid made this worse because until vaccines it was weird to invite people into your home for a while, and I think we're all socially awkward still from that.

I think that's why PP's have said it's important to compromise. If you have two people that would like to hang out with friends for an hour with a glass of wine in the evening at home then they each need to take turns making the effort to travel.

[Anonymous]

I like my kids. A LOT. Quiet moments in the evening is when my daughter tells me stuff about her day and anything that’s bothering her. I love those conversations and I hate to miss them.

Plus I enjoy doing things like brunch/lunch and spending time outdoors much more than I enjoy drinking and staying up late. Even if it’s Friday night, realistically I probably woke up early and I’ll be exhausted by 11pm. It’s not fun. I would much prefer hiking and going to a winery with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

I feel this so hard. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 3. He had night terrors and would scream until he threw up. I was a zombie and it took everything I had just to stay employed. My husband offered me a weekend away, but I couldn’t do it because I knew I couldn’t offer him a weekend away and I couldn’t be alone with my kids for 36-48 hours. My husband could do bedtime for our 2 kids alone, but I couldn’t go out because I knew I would likely be awake from 1-3am. Friends would ask how I was doing and I would say my toddler was a crap sleeper, but no one understands unless they also haven’t slept a full night for several years. I just kept putting things off with friends because I thought my kid would out grow it. Every month I thought “next month will be better” but it never was - not for a long time.

If someone had offered to come to my house and just sit and talk over a glass of wine for a hour once the kids were asleep and then leave, I would have been so grateful.

This! I would love for someone to just come over and hang out for a little while with zero pressure to cook, dress up, get a sitter or negotiate with my DH, etc. I'm so tired, but I love my friends and miss hanging out.

It's hard though. If they have kids they are in the same boat (and don't want to be the ones to travel). The ones without kids are more likely to come over but it's weird because sometimes it seems like they don't believe me when I say that this is what I want. I have to offer 3 or 4 times and they're still like "are you sure? I don't want to impose." At which point I get paranoid that they really don't want to come and are just being polite.

And Covid made this worse because until vaccines it was weird to invite people into your home for a while, and I think we're all socially awkward still from that.

I think that's why PP's have said it's important to compromise. If you have two people that would like to hang out with friends for an hour with a glass of wine in the evening at home then they each need to take turns making the effort to travel.

Yeah, I noticed the OP didn’t say that she makes any effort to do non-evening things, I don’t think she is looking to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

Can you read?

Yes, can you? I bolded the important parts to help you follow along!

Here let me help you. Did that kindergartener and 5th grader spring fully formed from their parent’s head?

This back and forth is silly, but why answer with the present tense if your kids are older? And then refuse to acknowledge that your response was misleading, as though the person reading it is just an idiot?

I’m not that poster. It wasn’t “my” response and I understood it perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

I feel this so hard. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 3. He had night terrors and would scream until he threw up. I was a zombie and it took everything I had just to stay employed. My husband offered me a weekend away, but I couldn’t do it because I knew I couldn’t offer him a weekend away and I couldn’t be alone with my kids for 36-48 hours. My husband could do bedtime for our 2 kids alone, but I couldn’t go out because I knew I would likely be awake from 1-3am. Friends would ask how I was doing and I would say my toddler was a crap sleeper, but no one understands unless they also haven’t slept a full night for several years. I just kept putting things off with friends because I thought my kid would out grow it. Every month I thought “next month will be better” but it never was - not for a long time.

If someone had offered to come to my house and just sit and talk over a glass of wine for a hour once the kids were asleep and then leave, I would have been so grateful.

This! I would love for someone to just come over and hang out for a little while with zero pressure to cook, dress up, get a sitter or negotiate with my DH, etc. I'm so tired, but I love my friends and miss hanging out.

It's hard though. If they have kids they are in the same boat (and don't want to be the ones to travel). The ones without kids are more likely to come over but it's weird because sometimes it seems like they don't believe me when I say that this is what I want. I have to offer 3 or 4 times and they're still like "are you sure? I don't want to impose." At which point I get paranoid that they really don't want to come and are just being polite.

And Covid made this worse because until vaccines it was weird to invite people into your home for a while, and I think we're all socially awkward still from that.

I think that's why PP's have said it's important to compromise. If you have two people that would like to hang out with friends for an hour with a glass of wine in the evening at home then they each need to take turns making the effort to travel.

Yeah, I noticed the OP didn’t say that she makes any effort to do non-evening things, I don’t think she is looking to compromise.

No. How can anyone expect there to be any give and take and for them to alternate their preferred times? Don’t they know she is A MOTHER?!

[Anonymous]

The hours of 5-8 are the most hectic in our household. I COULD leave, but I don't do it often because I know it's hard. And at least once a month I have a work thing that makes me miss out, so if I add a social thing on top, that's even harder. It just takes a lot of planning and thought, and it's not particularly enjoyable for me. So, I'd rather meet up for lunch or weekend mornings.

[Anonymous]

It's too much of a PIA. Literally it's such a rat race at night - feeding the kids, walking the dog, making lunches for the next day, groceries, you name it. I'll go out once a month, but literally I could every week and still not go to every even I'm invited to. Plus, I enjoy my family.