Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

Right. I know that I will not be able to provide eldercare in my home. I also can not provide respite care. I have been clear about that from the get go. Thankfully, that is not expected.

I think that people agree to this out of duty and the goodness of their heart w/o realizing how mentally/physically/financially taxing and just plain overwhelming it can get. And it can go on for years.

You need to be able to lead your life. And you need to know your limits.

[Anonymous]

You do need to know your limits, and honestly, you need to know the limits of your siblings (if any).

Both my parents are now dead, and I do not have in-laws, so I don't have a lot of skin left in the game. I do have some painful experience, and I have seen the dynamic a lot as a professional in a medical field.

Honestly, for certain family dynamics -- parents are either very controlling and angry about talking about end of life preparation, or are completely in denial and refuse to have the discussions, or have one who is controlling and one in denial/submissive to the control of the other -- I think if you are the caregiver type, you should plan to move farthest away of the siblings. The default always goes to the one living closest, and often that is a daughter (sometimes son) who has been involved in her parents' lives.

But if you have brothers or other intrusive family who will blame you while you run yourself ragged, if you are the caregiver type and it is this kind of setup -- move away before they really need you. Draw the line in the sand. It NEVER goes well for anyone, including the parents. Save up money and contribute costs, fly in for short bits when you can, but don't shoulder it.

That advice would change if your parents are willing to realistically talk about end of life plans, or make plans with that in mind (even if you don't agree), or it you are an only child, etc. But it's that particular specific context of 1) aggressive denial, 2) others who won't help but who will expect you to, automatically, and 3) a giving nature which is a tornado of suck for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. . . .

If you are referring to my post directly before, I never said the elderly person WAS a toddler. I said they can develop a personality similar to a toodler's. It is more of a challenge because they often also feel they should still be the authoritian as the parent. It does help to put things in situations we are familiar with. Every parent understands a toddler's personality, but adult children new to dealing with changes in their parent's personality dont have a reference for it.

Nothing like it.

I am a different poster but agree they become like toddlers Because they often become "Self-centered, self-absorbed, impatient, jealous, manipulative. . .But it is worse because they think of you as the child who needs to be parented by them."

We saw the nightmare aging on place was with an elderly neighbor. Her son and daughter became resentful slaves. When my father passed away my mother after a three day hospital stay for a fall developed hospital induced psychosis. . My brother and I first tried paying someone to stay with her at home but she needed more and more help. t My brother tried having her stay with him and Intried but we both work so she was alone all day and wouldn't eat. She needed to be menatally and physically active during the day. I then told her they give free lunches at independent living places. We visited 5 of them that had combination independent/assisted living so she wouldn't have to move as she needed more help. She was adamant she wouldn't live in one before visiting them. Most places give tours and then you get a free meal. One didn't but I was able to pay for our meals without telling her. She only agreed to go for the free meal. She liked one and after visiting again for a meal and bingo, she agreed to move. She is mentally and physically so much better. She does activities, goes on field trips, they have a shuttle to take them shopping, she eats well because the meals are restaurant style where there are several choices each meal.

My brother and I both had to give up any idea of an inheritance and so did my mom, which we gladly did. Right now she pays 5,000 a month all included - meals, activities, and her 1 bedroom apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

Then stop talking. Your ‘advice’ is worthless.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has a responsibility to guard against resentment, participating in a situation to the point of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

Then stop talking. Your ‘advice’ is worthless.

My advice to you is that you sound as though you are seething right now. You have taken way too much on and it is impacting your physical and mental health. it is o.k. to make yourself a priority. Do it. You will be no help at all to anybody if you let yourself break down.

If things have gotten that bad it's time to look into alternative solutions. You need to back off and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

Then stop talking. Your ‘advice’ is worthless.

My advice to you is that you sound as though you are seething right now. You have taken way too much on and it is impacting your physical and mental health. it is o.k. to make yourself a priority. Do it. You will be no help at all to anybody if you let yourself break down.

If things have gotten that bad it's time to look into alternative solutions. You need to back off and let the chips fall where they may.

LOL. I”m the one who is 3000 miles away. My sister is the one doing the work and I’m doing some financial support. She’s fine with that. I’m fine with that. Not nearly near a breakdown. I have the time and the resources to help more if needed and so do they.

What gets me seething, as you put it, is you serving up platitudes to other posters on this forum with real issues that your ‘feelings’ won’t solve. Know what would help them? You stop running your mouth and doing the real physical heavy lifting when needed, paying the bills they can’t afford to pay, dealing with the dementia meltdowns they are experiencing, etc.

Saying “look at it from your PARENTS point of view doesn’t help. What it DOES do is inflict guilt in the caregiver, which, I suspect, is what your real goal is. I can tell that from your post to me. MY goal was to get you to show your true colors and I was 100% successful at doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do need to know your limits, and honestly, you need to know the limits of your siblings (if any).

Both my parents are now dead, and I do not have in-laws, so I don't have a lot of skin left in the game. I do have some painful experience, and I have seen the dynamic a lot as a professional in a medical field.

Honestly, for certain family dynamics -- parents are either very controlling and angry about talking about end of life preparation, or are completely in denial and refuse to have the discussions, or have one who is controlling and one in denial/submissive to the control of the other -- I think if you are the caregiver type, you should plan to move farthest away of the siblings. The default always goes to the one living closest, and often that is a daughter (sometimes son) who has been involved in her parents' lives.

But if you have brothers or other intrusive family who will blame you while you run yourself ragged, if you are the caregiver type and it is this kind of setup -- move away before they really need you. Draw the line in the sand. It NEVER goes well for anyone, including the parents. Save up money and contribute costs, fly in for short bits when you can, but don't shoulder it.

That advice would change if your parents are willing to realistically talk about end of life plans, or make plans with that in mind (even if you don't agree), or it you are an only child, etc. But it's that particular specific context of 1) aggressive denial, 2) others who won't help but who will expect you to, automatically, and 3) a giving nature which is a tornado of suck for everyone.

Yawn! What are you rambling about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

Right. I know that I will not be able to provide eldercare in my home. I also can not provide respite care. I have been clear about that from the get go. Thankfully, that is not expected.

I think that people agree to this out of duty and the goodness of their heart w/o realizing how mentally/physically/financially taxing and just plain overwhelming it can get. And it can go on for years.

You need to be able to lead your life. And you need to know your limits.

You should selfish. You could and choose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

Right. I know that I will not be able to provide eldercare in my home. I also can not provide respite care. I have been clear about that from the get go. Thankfully, that is not expected.

I think that people agree to this out of duty and the goodness of their heart w/o realizing how mentally/physically/financially taxing and just plain overwhelming it can get. And it can go on for years.

You need to be able to lead your life. And you need to know your limits.

You should selfish. You could and choose not to.

Are you my sister-in-law? Sounds like it. I think my brother and SIL thought I would happily provide care in my home for free while preserving their inheritance, while they did nothing to help. Nope. Not happening. I made sure our parent has
a clean, safe, comfortable assisted living facility with activities, medication management, and all meals provided. I visit regularly and help out in other ways. Bro has visited just a few times over a period of several years - and he doesn’t live that far away. If I don’t inherit a dime, that’s ok. My sanity is more valuable than any amount of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

Then stop talking. Your ‘advice’ is worthless.

My advice to you is that you sound as though you are seething right now. You have taken way too much on and it is impacting your physical and mental health. it is o.k. to make yourself a priority. Do it. You will be no help at all to anybody if you let yourself break down.

If things have gotten that bad it's time to look into alternative solutions. You need to back off and let the chips fall where they may.

LOL. I”m the one who is 3000 miles away. My sister is the one doing the work and I’m doing some financial support. She’s fine with that. I’m fine with that. Not nearly near a breakdown. I have the time and the resources to help more if needed and so do they.

What gets me seething, as you put it, is you serving up platitudes to other posters on this forum with real issues that your ‘feelings’ won’t solve. Know what would help them? You stop running your mouth and doing the real physical heavy lifting when needed, paying the bills they can’t afford to pay, dealing with the dementia meltdowns they are experiencing, etc.

Saying “look at it from your PARENTS point of view doesn’t help. What it DOES do is inflict guilt in the caregiver, which, I suspect, is what your real goal is. I can tell that from your post to me. MY goal was to get you to show your true colors and I was 100% successful at doing so.

I have been the closest one to the situation. I am not 3000 or even 300 miles away. I am THERE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do need to know your limits, and honestly, you need to know the limits of your siblings (if any).

Both my parents are now dead, and I do not have in-laws, so I don't have a lot of skin left in the game. I do have some painful experience, and I have seen the dynamic a lot as a professional in a medical field.

Honestly, for certain family dynamics -- parents are either very controlling and angry about talking about end of life preparation, or are completely in denial and refuse to have the discussions, or have one who is controlling and one in denial/submissive to the control of the other -- I think if you are the caregiver type, you should plan to move farthest away of the siblings. The default always goes to the one living closest, and often that is a daughter (sometimes son) who has been involved in her parents' lives.

But if you have brothers or other intrusive family who will blame you while you run yourself ragged, if you are the caregiver type and it is this kind of setup -- move away before they really need you. Draw the line in the sand. It NEVER goes well for anyone, including the parents. Save up money and contribute costs, fly in for short bits when you can, but don't shoulder it.

That advice would change if your parents are willing to realistically talk about end of life plans, or make plans with that in mind (even if you don't agree), or it you are an only child, etc. But it's that particular specific context of 1) aggressive denial, 2) others who won't help but who will expect you to, automatically, and 3) a giving nature which is a tornado of suck for everyone.

Yawn! What are you rambling about?

Hopefully a situation you're never in.

If you were, you'd recognize it for what it is -- a family, including the elders, choosing to put one person in a horrific bind. It's exactly the opposite of being a good parent, role model, or sibling.

Glad it's unfamiliar and/or boring to you. That's a privilege.

[Anonymous]

My parents objections to Assisted Living all disappeared within 2 months of them living there. They had no memory of *ever* giving us a hard time. They talked as if it was their idea. They bragged to everyone about what a good idea it was! We didn't expect to be thanked but it was almost shocking that they wanted credit for their smart choice! Prior, their objections, had been going on for y-e-a-r-s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

Right. I know that I will not be able to provide eldercare in my home. I also can not provide respite care. I have been clear about that from the get go. Thankfully, that is not expected.

I think that people agree to this out of duty and the goodness of their heart w/o realizing how mentally/physically/financially taxing and just plain overwhelming it can get. And it can go on for years.

You need to be able to lead your life. And you need to know your limits.

You should selfish. You could and choose not to.

Are you my sister-in-law? Sounds like it. I think my brother and SIL thought I would happily provide care in my home for free while preserving their inheritance, while they did nothing to help. Nope. Not happening. I made sure our parent has
a clean, safe, comfortable assisted living facility with activities, medication management, and all meals provided. I visit regularly and help out in other ways. Bro has visited just a few times over a period of several years - and he doesn’t live that far away. If I don’t inherit a dime, that’s ok. My sanity is more valuable than any amount of money.

Sounds like money is important. If you do nothing why go on rants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

Right. I know that I will not be able to provide eldercare in my home. I also can not provide respite care. I have been clear about that from the get go. Thankfully, that is not expected.

I think that people agree to this out of duty and the goodness of their heart w/o realizing how mentally/physically/financially taxing and just plain overwhelming it can get. And it can go on for years.

You need to be able to lead your life. And you need to know your limits.

You should selfish. You could and choose not to.

No. My parent is way better off living in their retirement community. They've got their own apartment, plenty of social activities, meals, housekeeping, bus transport.