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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The elderly person is NOT a toddler.  They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to.  They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them.  The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them.  So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers.  They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them.  It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye.  For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?[/quote]

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.[/quote]

No.  I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now.  They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone.  When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out.  I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc.  I can go on vacation without worry.  I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids.  Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad.  In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself.  Life flies.[/quote]

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking. [/quote]

I don't have the answers.  I can only say that you learn through doing.  You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.[/quote]

Then stop talking. Your ‘advice’ is worthless. [/quote]

My advice to you is that you sound as though you are seething right now.  You have taken way too much on and it is impacting your physical and mental health.  it is o.k. to make yourself a priority.  Do it.  You will be no help at all to anybody if you let yourself break down.

If things have gotten that bad it's time to look into alternative solutions.  You need to back off and let the chips fall where they may.[/quote]

LOL. I”m the one who is 3000 miles away. My sister is the one doing the work and I’m doing some financial support. She’s fine with that. I’m fine with that. Not nearly near a breakdown. I have the time and the resources to help more if needed and so do they.

What gets me seething, as you put it, is you serving up platitudes to other posters on this forum with real issues that your ‘feelings’ won’t solve.  Know what would help them? You stop running your mouth and doing the real physical heavy lifting when needed, paying the bills they can’t afford to pay, dealing with the dementia meltdowns they are experiencing, etc.

Saying “look at it from your PARENTS point of view doesn’t help. What it DOES do is inflict guilt in the caregiver, which, I suspect, is what your real goal is. I can tell that from your post to me. MY goal was to get you to show your true colors and I was 100% successful at doing so. [/quote]

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