Wife had Affair with Coworker

[Anonymous]

Vows. Not cows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vows. Not cows.

I like cows better. Lol

[Anonymous]

I could never trust again if I had been lied to by my spouse for three years.

A three month fling? I might get past it. 3 years is an intense, ongoing and intentional relationship. Lots of calculated decisions and lies

Plus, I'd never get over feeling like I was not his top.choice.

While I commend ops commitment to keeping his family intact, it can't work if she's not 1000% committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could never trust again if I had been lied to by my spouse for three years.

A three month fling? I might get past it. 3 years is an intense, ongoing and intentional relationship. Lots of calculated decisions and lies

Plus, I'd never get over feeling like I was not his top.choice.

While I commend ops commitment to keeping his family intact, it can't work if she's not 1000% committed.

In three years - maybe even much less - she likely has developed much stronger loyalties to the AP than the husband. How long did it take from meeting her to getting married? These two have a very strong, perhaps stronger, relationship than the technically married couple.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if OP is still reading, but take it from someone who has been there.

You are in a very natural first stage of finding out your partner has been unfaithful - the pleading and the "pick me" dance. You may tell yourself you are just trying to keep the family together, but you are also afraid of what all of this will mean, and trying to find a way for this not to destroy what you have.

Spoiler alert: What you have was spoiled the day your spouse decided to lean into an office flirtation rather than leaning out.

Everything else? That's just the aftermath.

I agree with PPs. Read ChumpLady. Call a lawyer. Get a therapist. Capitalize on this period while your wife still has her "affair brain" on to get everything you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could never trust again if I had been lied to by my spouse for three years.

A three month fling? I might get past it. 3 years is an intense, ongoing and intentional relationship. Lots of calculated decisions and lies

Plus, I'd never get over feeling like I was not his top.choice.

While I commend ops commitment to keeping his family intact, it can't work if she's not 1000% committed.

In three years - maybe even much less - she likely has developed much stronger loyalties to the AP than the husband. How long did it take from meeting her to getting married? These two have a very strong, perhaps stronger, relationship than the technically married couple.

Yep. She and the AP have bonded together over the past few years while sharing the secret of their affair and most likely badmouthing their spouses to each other.

In the meantime the cheated on spouses were walking around not being able to shake the feeling that something was up. Turns out, the spouses were the proverbial 3rd wheels in their own marriages. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is still reading, but take it from someone who has been there.

You are in a very natural first stage of finding out your partner has been unfaithful - the pleading and the "pick me" dance. You may tell yourself you are just trying to keep the family together, but you are also afraid of what all of this will mean, and trying to find a way for this not to destroy what you have.

Spoiler alert: What you have was spoiled the day your spouse decided to lean into an office flirtation rather than leaning out.

Everything else? That's just the aftermath.

I agree with PPs. Read ChumpLady. Call a lawyer. Get a therapist. Capitalize on this period while your wife still has her "affair brain" on to get everything you can.

Use her affair brain to negotiate a favorable deal. Find a lawyer who gets this. You will need tough love. It won’t be easy in your current state. I wish I listened to a few friends who wanted me to be more clear eyed.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if OP ever decided to tell the AP’s spouse. If so, how did it go?

[Anonymous]

OP - update?

[Anonymous]

She’s been cheating so long that now they are well past the white hot passion and have settled down into routine long term.

By this point she’s got two men she’s tired of.

Dude; set up therapy to care for your kids, lawyer up and get this moving toward the dumpster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not connect the OM or his wife, although I can understand the desire to do so. How did you discover the affair, what was your wife’s explanation, and what does she say she wants to do now? Does she still work with the OM?

Phone records and find my phone app. She does still work with him.

This is a problem. Regardless of whether you go the divorce route or not, her continuing to work for him is bad.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully he told the AP’s spouse, the AP’s children, the AP’s parents, the AP’s spouse’s parents, and coworkers. Why should the other family not know what a POS their husband, father, son, SIL, coworker is/has been!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully he told the AP’s spouse, the AP’s children, the AP’s parents, the AP’s spouse’s parents, and coworkers. Why should the other family not know what a POS their husband, father, son, SIL, coworker is/has been!

I'm not sure I even know why but I used to lean toward not telling the AP's spouse. After my BIL had a long term affair I realized how much grief it would have saved my sister had she known sooner. Now, as long as there is proof and it's not just a hunch, I'm always for telling AP's spouse. I'd let the spouse decide if they wanted to tell the parents and co-workers. So sorry for what you're going through, OP. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Go get tested! There might have been more.

There's a good possibility that you shared cum with that dude.

Yes, tell his wife. Her health is at risk.

She's gone and you need to leave.

What happens if you run into the OM? I admire what you're trying to do, but there are better folks out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could never trust again if I had been lied to by my spouse for three years.

A three month fling? I might get past it. 3 years is an intense, ongoing and intentional relationship. Lots of calculated decisions and lies

Plus, I'd never get over feeling like I was not his top.choice.

While I commend ops commitment to keeping his family intact, it can't work if she's not 1000% committed.

NP. My DW has always been my top choice. She has decided she doesn’t want sex anymore. So I have looked around. But she has no right to think she was not my top choice.