WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS has been bullied- I do think this is bullying, but some of parents on here sound over the top.

Talk to the coach. Allow your DD the chance to decide if she wants to stay on the team or leave to be around less crappy people.

FWIW, I had a friend in HS who was part of our group, but not well liked. Our ring leader bullied her by giving her the wrong information about parties and hang outs we were all attending. The group went along or were silent. I reached out later and apologized for being complicit with this behavior. Of course, I realized later how much I had hurt her feelings and how wrong my actions were.

...but also, and this is no excuse for our behavior, this girl was a "hanger on," not well-liked, and not getting it- there was nothing wrong with her, it was just a personality mismatch and we were immature bullies about it.

I think OP you need to have an honest conversation with your daughter about how she is fitting in with this team. It may not be a good match. Does that mean she should quit? Maybe not, but she might need to recognize that these girls are *not* her friends and act accordingly by finding other friends outside of the sport.

+1

Yes, this.

OP btw, my brush with HS bullying ended like this...I had almost forgotten it. After the bullied girl, left the group, the ringleader started to turn on me until I left the group. It was a hard lesson that I had coming. Will end with a DRAMATIC Winston Churchill paraphrase "appeasement is like feeding a crocodile, hoping it will eat you last."

The other girls were probably grateful these two bullies didn't single them out, but if your leaves the team or doesn't stand for it, they will find new targets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've had a chance to read the entire thread. It has been so helpful, thank you all. A couple of things:

First, thank you to everyone who suggested that the Honor Code might have been violated. I would never have thought of that. I've read and re-read the code and do think it applies here. Now it is just a matter of whether I broach the school about it (still do not have permission to do so from DD).

Second, thank you all for the suggestions about contacting the unwitting sports star. I would never have thought of that either. I've looked up their Instagram feed to see whether there was a post along the lines of "Had a wonderful time meeting JV Team" but haven't seen anything yet. I think it would be appropriate then to say something like, "Hey, just so you know, you didn't actually meet with JV Team but, rather, JV Team minus one member who was pranked out of getting to meet you. Can you please change your post to reflect that you "Just met with A GROUP OF GIRLS who play X Sport because leaving post the way it is is hurtful to my DD."

Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

I feel for your daughter, but please don’t do this. It’s just too much.

+1

Parents on social media? How is that a good idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS has been bullied- I do think this is bullying, but some of parents on here sound over the top.

Talk to the coach. Allow your DD the chance to decide if she wants to stay on the team or leave to be around less crappy people.

FWIW, I had a friend in HS who was part of our group, but not well liked. Our ring leader bullied her by giving her the wrong information about parties and hang outs we were all attending. The group went along or were silent. I reached out later and apologized for being complicit with this behavior. Of course, I realized later how much I had hurt her feelings and how wrong my actions were.

...but also, and this is no excuse for our behavior, this girl was a "hanger on," not well-liked, and not getting it- there was nothing wrong with her, it was just a personality mismatch and we were immature bullies about it.

I think OP you need to have an honest conversation with your daughter about how she is fitting in with this team. It may not be a good match. Does that mean she should quit? Maybe not, but she might need to recognize that these girls are *not* her friends and act accordingly by finding other friends outside of the sport.

+1

Yes, this.

OP btw, my brush with HS bullying ended like this...I had almost forgotten it. After the bullied girl, left the group, the ringleader started to turn on me until I left the group. It was a hard lesson that I had coming. Will end with a DRAMATIC Winston Churchill paraphrase "appeasement is like feeding a crocodile, hoping it will eat you last."

The other girls were probably grateful these two bullies didn't single them out, but if your leaves the team or doesn't stand for it, they will find new targets.

should say "if your DD leaves the team or doesn't stand for it"

[Anonymous]

I suggested early that the DD try to strengthen ties with some of the girls who were silent bystanders and may feel bad about it. Yes, they acted badly but I’m not sure it’s to DDs benefit to cut them off. I suspect that if she went to one or two of them separaty and told them how hurt she was, she might get more of a backstory about why the Mean Girls did this, and also get the silent bystander group on her side. Those girls might even feel bad enough to stand up and tell the Mean Girls that what they did was wrong.
I think that sort of solution might be the most likely to lead to a positive outcome for the OP DD. If she can’t find a sympathetic ear within the team, then it really might be time to move on.

The stuff about going to the press or a lawyer is just ridiculous. And I’m concerned the school administration is going to look at it like a situation where a girl had a bday party and invited everyone but one girl—crappy, but not a disciplinary issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

My guess is that the ringleaders saw her as a threat. If you've described her accurately she was doing the sorts of things real leaders do. The bully leaders could see her as a rival to their dominance of the group.

This. And stop describing it as a "prank". It was not a prank, not intended to be funny. Don't buy into the bully's terminology.

The coach NEEDS to know what is going on with this team so the team can function. Since your DD is a real leader, perhaps if you put it into that lens for your DD she will be willing to talk with him so that the team can improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

What OP described is not a prank. A prank is, I don't know, filling someone's shoes with silly string or covering cotton balls in chocolate and offering people a candy. This was intentional cruelty, mean-girl behavior, Queen bees using their power to socially ostracize one member and get the others to go along. I'm sure the others were just cowards who didn't speak up because they are just glad *they* are not the target of the queen bees. Yet.

You should indeed contact the athlete, OP. Not in a boo hoo, woe is me way, but factual and explain the other kids tricked your DD. You can let the athlete decide how mean the "prank" was or not.
You should tell the coach.
Coach should discipline queen bees.
other team members need a good talking to about not being cowards, speaking up when someone is being victimized by bullies.

What you've done there PP is just like what a bully would do - minimize bad behavior and tell the victim they are overreacting.

Read the thread I saw recently on DCUM about mean things that happened to you as a kid that you still remember, that still hurt. This definitely ranks with some of the worst of the stories.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to the parent that arranged this meeting and tell them what happened. I wonder if she could right this wrong and arrange for the team to apologize to your daughter and get a private meeting with the sports star with your daughter. Then your daughter can stay on the team and some healing can begin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

What OP described is not a prank. A prank is, I don't know, filling someone's shoes with silly string or covering cotton balls in chocolate and offering people a candy. This was intentional cruelty, mean-girl behavior, Queen bees using their power to socially ostracize one member and get the others to go along. I'm sure the others were just cowards who didn't speak up because they are just glad *they* are not the target of the queen bees. Yet.

You should indeed contact the athlete, OP. Not in a boo hoo, woe is me way, but factual and explain the other kids tricked your DD. You can let the athlete decide how mean the "prank" was or not.
You should tell the coach.
Coach should discipline queen bees.
other team members need a good talking to about not being cowards, speaking up when someone is being victimized by bullies.

What you've done there PP is just like what a bully would do - minimize bad behavior and tell the victim they are overreacting.

Read the thread I saw recently on DCUM about mean things that happened to you as a kid that you still remember, that still hurt. This definitely ranks with some of the worst of the stories.

I agree not to minimize, but also do not maximize, OP. Deal with the issue, call the coach, and teach your child coping mechanisms, such that she does not file it in the forefront of whatever memory, or make it traumatic. Then again, if this is the most traumatic thing that ever happens to her, that is not so bad. But I digress.

Do not give the mean girls power over your daughter, in your daughter's head. Be concise and deal effectively with the situation, without adding more drama. That is the most important lesson of all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

My guess is that the ringleaders saw her as a threat. If you've described her accurately she was doing the sorts of things real leaders do. The bully leaders could see her as a rival to their dominance of the group.

I won't mince words: This sounds absolutely crazy.

[Anonymous]

Wow there is a lot of conflicting advice, except that almost everyone is in agreement that this was really cruel. I am sorry this happened to your daughter as well.

I agree that the coach should know about this. It is great to try and get your daughter's permission before talking but realize she is probably not coming around on this. I would put my foot down and say the coach has to know but contacting the parents, going public to the community, social media to the sports star? No way. Stay true to your daughter's wishes on this.

One other thing to consider whether she stays on the team or not - since this is JV, I assume there is still plenty of time in her high school career to find other interests and other friends if she chooses to. This was really cruel and awful but better for her to find all this out now and have time to seek out new and better friends than to find out later.

[Anonymous]

There is a poster who seems hell bent on stating the other people (students or parents?) involved are "bad". Which they may or may not be, but how on earth would that help your daughter? Know when to say when, OP. Focus.

You have gotten some other good advice here. Please let us know what happens and how your daughter is doing. We are rooting for her!

[Anonymous]

As a guy who played highschool and college sports this would not have bothered me. I would have seen it as low level hazing. The question is how good is she at the sport and how much does the team need her? If she's not that good the team won't care if she quits (I hate to be blunt but these are lessons of sports). If she's good just keep playing through and continue to have all those good characteristics she has. My daughter had problems with mean girls in HS but she had one really good and trustworthy friend. I have found that if a girl can find even one blood sister it's usually more than most have. What my daughter really wanted was a good boyfriend even more than sports and when she had one all problems went away. She kept playing sports and still has that best friend and now out of college and engaged (with another young man).

Do not make the team apologize. She sounds very fundamentally grounded by the way she treats people. Use this to grow some calluses and become even stronger. Also she needs to identify who is trustworthy and befriend a few.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggested early that the DD try to strengthen ties with some of the girls who were silent bystanders and may feel bad about it. Yes, they acted badly but I’m not sure it’s to DDs benefit to cut them off. I suspect that if she went to one or two of them separaty and told them how hurt she was, she might get more of a backstory about why the Mean Girls did this, and also get the silent bystander group on her side. Those girls might even feel bad enough to stand up and tell the Mean Girls that what they did was wrong.
I think that sort of solution might be the most likely to lead to a positive outcome for the OP DD. If she can’t find a sympathetic ear within the team, then it really might be time to move on.

The stuff about going to the press or a lawyer is just ridiculous. And I’m concerned the school administration is going to look at it like a situation where a girl had a bday party and invited everyone but one girl—crappy, but not a disciplinary issue.

+1. I’m one of the pps who said don’t do anything without your dd’s approval. This approach above will help your dd navigate these types of situations better in life.

[Anonymous]

Do not take your social media approach OP. It likely won’t go how you think and may lead to additional humiliation of your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who played highschool and college sports this would not have bothered me. I would have seen it as low level hazing. The question is how good is she at the sport and how much does the team need her? If she's not that good the team won't care if she quits (I hate to be blunt but these are lessons of sports). If she's good just keep playing through and continue to have all those good characteristics she has. My daughter had problems with mean girls in HS but she had one really good and trustworthy friend. I have found that if a girl can find even one blood sister it's usually more than most have. What my daughter really wanted was a good boyfriend even more than sports and when she had one all problems went away. She kept playing sports and still has that best friend and now out of college and engaged (with another young man).

Do not make the team apologize. She sounds very fundamentally grounded by the way she treats people. Use this to grow some calluses and become even stronger. Also she needs to identify who is trustworthy and befriend a few.

+1

This guy gets it. I will add - DD should befriend a small number of people *on her own*. She is a teen, not a first grader. Not trying to be harsh OP, but some of the PPs (not this one) sound as if they are talking about small children.