WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

You need to quit trolling this thread.

It is not helpful.

Anonymous wrote:An outstanding lawyer may consult on such a case pro bono.

OP, your job is to document this completely and present to the administration. If they drop the ball, then you may need to consider lawyers etc. If you are going to do anything at all, move quickly. If the teens and parents who perpetrated this ridiculousness have not yet found the thread, someone will forward it to them soon.

And hey, the parents and the teens who did this - if you are not reading this now, I know you will eventually.
What you did what shameful.
We likely will never know if the OP pursues this against you or not.
But just like a habitual rapist, eventually you will hit upon a victim who will not walk away, awed by your connections, status, your seeming infallibility.
If you do this enough times, you will find yourself in the same place as Brock Turner, with just as much moral authority as he currently enjoys. Remember that being in Stanford and having influential parents protected Brock from a long prison sentence, but frankly his life as he envisioned it is likely over anyway. If you keep pulling these stunts, yours will be over, too.
This is not a threat.
This is a glimpse into the abyss of reality.
Don't you EVER do this again.
This was not nice.
Even if the OP with her daughter make a decision to let it slide, life is long, and you won't always be so lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coach and Principal only. They will handle, your daughter will move on. Totally sucks, and my heart is breaking for your daughter. And, in the long run she will be stronger for it.

+1

OP, don't dwell on it too much. Handle it, but don't dwell. Everyone is the target of something like this at some point in their life, it does not have to define your daughter - teach her that. If you have a healthy attitude toward it, she will to. The biggest gift you can give her is the ability to move upward and onward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is bizarre, I am guessing there was drama between your daughter and other girls on the team well before this event. Who knows what the dynamics were but obviously your daughter was targeted for a reason. In addition, everyone else on team was okay with her not coming either. She must have already been on the periphery of the group. I am curious about what she meant by them being her friends - maybe they were more just teammates. This wasn't a prank...what is the prank part? This was them being catty and mean and not inviting her to a fun event. It isn't bullying either by definition.

Mother of the bully has found the thread, and she’s in panic mode.

No kidding. It "must" have been the victim's fault because "obviously" she had done something to them first. Unbelievable.

DP here. OP, don't make your daughter a "victim", whatever you do. Don't worsen the situation. Handle it, but don't worsen it. Be professional, not nuclear. If you go nuclear, it will com back on you. Guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

I find 80% of the posts in this thread to be very "off"

[Anonymous]

OP here. I've had a chance to read the entire thread. It has been so helpful, thank you all. A couple of things:

First, thank you to everyone who suggested that the Honor Code might have been violated. I would never have thought of that. I've read and re-read the code and do think it applies here. Now it is just a matter of whether I broach the school about it (still do not have permission to do so from DD).

Second, thank you all for the suggestions about contacting the unwitting sports star. I would never have thought of that either. I've looked up their Instagram feed to see whether there was a post along the lines of "Had a wonderful time meeting JV Team" but haven't seen anything yet. I think it would be appropriate then to say something like, "Hey, just so you know, you didn't actually meet with JV Team but, rather, JV Team minus one member who was pranked out of getting to meet you. Can you please change your post to reflect that you "Just met with A GROUP OF GIRLS who play X Sport because leaving post the way it is is hurtful to my DD."

Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

[Anonymous]

Get your DD to ok you telling the coach and the principal. Don't expect a resolution. Life doesn't work that way. FWIW, those girls suck.

[Anonymous]

I would not contact the 'star'. Won't help. Better not to put ANYTHING on social media about this. Can't undo what has been done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find 80% of the posts in this thread to be very "off"

There seem to be one contingent who wants to "go to the school" and on contingent who wants OP's DD to "switch teams" and one contingent who wants OP to "call each of the parents". I think most of the posters agree that nothing good comes of embarrassing your child (on top of what has happened), so they lean against the latter. Most (all) of the PPs seem to want to protect DD's daughter, in one fashion or another, what they do not want is for OP to go nuclear, and ostracize her daughter.

[Anonymous]

My DS has been bullied- I do think this is bullying, but some of parents on here sound over the top.

Talk to the coach. Allow your DD the chance to decide if she wants to stay on the team or leave to be around less crappy people.

FWIW, I had a friend in HS who was part of our group, but not well liked. Our ring leader bullied her by giving her the wrong information about parties and hang outs we were all attending. The group went along or were silent. I reached out later and apologized for being complicit with this behavior. Of course, I realized later how much I had hurt her feelings and how wrong my actions were.

...but also, and this is no excuse for our behavior, this girl was a "hanger on," not well-liked, and not getting it- there was nothing wrong with her, it was just a personality mismatch and we were immature bullies about it.

I think OP you need to have an honest conversation with your daughter about how she is fitting in with this team. It may not be a good match. Does that mean she should quit? Maybe not, but she might need to recognize that these girls are *not* her friends and act accordingly by finding other friends outside of the sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not contact the 'star'. Won't help. Better not to put ANYTHING on social media about this. Can't undo what has been done.

+1

Teach your child, OP. If you use untoward means to handle it, you can be brought in and possibly charged with something - do not set yourself or your daughter up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS has been bullied- I do think this is bullying, but some of parents on here sound over the top.

Talk to the coach. Allow your DD the chance to decide if she wants to stay on the team or leave to be around less crappy people.

FWIW, I had a friend in HS who was part of our group, but not well liked. Our ring leader bullied her by giving her the wrong information about parties and hang outs we were all attending. The group went along or were silent. I reached out later and apologized for being complicit with this behavior. Of course, I realized later how much I had hurt her feelings and how wrong my actions were.

...but also, and this is no excuse for our behavior, this girl was a "hanger on," not well-liked, and not getting it- there was nothing wrong with her, it was just a personality mismatch and we were immature bullies about it.

I think OP you need to have an honest conversation with your daughter about how she is fitting in with this team. It may not be a good match. Does that mean she should quit? Maybe not, but she might need to recognize that these girls are *not* her friends and act accordingly by finding other friends outside of the sport.

+1

Yes, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've had a chance to read the entire thread. It has been so helpful, thank you all. A couple of things:

First, thank you to everyone who suggested that the Honor Code might have been violated. I would never have thought of that. I've read and re-read the code and do think it applies here. Now it is just a matter of whether I broach the school about it (still do not have permission to do so from DD).

Second, thank you all for the suggestions about contacting the unwitting sports star. I would never have thought of that either. I've looked up their Instagram feed to see whether there was a post along the lines of "Had a wonderful time meeting JV Team" but haven't seen anything yet. I think it would be appropriate then to say something like, "Hey, just so you know, you didn't actually meet with JV Team but, rather, JV Team minus one member who was pranked out of getting to meet you. Can you please change your post to reflect that you "Just met with A GROUP OF GIRLS who play X Sport because leaving post the way it is is hurtful to my DD."

Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

That still doesn't make sense. There was no prank. There are no pranksters. No one expected anyone would think it funny to leave someone out of meeting a sports star. They didn't want her there so she wasn't invited and no one told her about it. Why? Who knows.

I would not contact the sports star at all about the situation. That is just drama. Yes this was a bad experience for your daughter and she now knows none of the girls on the team are her friends but don't create drama. If your daughter is also really upset about not meeting said star, you could reach out to see about meeting him yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

My guess is that the ringleaders saw her as a threat. If you've described her accurately she was doing the sorts of things real leaders do. The bully leaders could see her as a rival to their dominance of the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would talk to coach. Honestly those kids should be kicked off the team instantly.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've had a chance to read the entire thread. It has been so helpful, thank you all. A couple of things:

First, thank you to everyone who suggested that the Honor Code might have been violated. I would never have thought of that. I've read and re-read the code and do think it applies here. Now it is just a matter of whether I broach the school about it (still do not have permission to do so from DD).

Second, thank you all for the suggestions about contacting the unwitting sports star. I would never have thought of that either. I've looked up their Instagram feed to see whether there was a post along the lines of "Had a wonderful time meeting JV Team" but haven't seen anything yet. I think it would be appropriate then to say something like, "Hey, just so you know, you didn't actually meet with JV Team but, rather, JV Team minus one member who was pranked out of getting to meet you. Can you please change your post to reflect that you "Just met with A GROUP OF GIRLS who play X Sport because leaving post the way it is is hurtful to my DD."

Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

I feel for your daughter, but please don’t do this. It’s just too much.