DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anthropologically speaking, OP is the alpha male silverback whose evolution has led him to expect that with success comes frequent reproductive opportunities. It was a similar situation for the khans and their harems. Unfortunately he lives in a society where females have a achieved a level of equality in the workplace where they are no longer required to be as submissive to the alpha male to survive. For everyone saying "that's just how men are," this is my answer: "this is just how society is now."

If you don't like this, there are a few alternatives I have seen men pursue: divorce wife and pursue rich bachelor lifestyle, divorce wife and select mail-order-bride or other woman who is beholden enough to you that she must be submissive, stay in marriage and cheat frequently, or stay in marriage and hire prostitutes.

Interesting fact: among primates, a harem social structure is correlated with very small male reproductive organs. Since females mate with one male only, there is no need for large quantities of sperm. A silverback gorilla’s penis is about the size of your pinky (true, you can look it up).

Therefore, we can assume men who spout off nonsense about harems likely have very small penises.

That is fantastic.

[Anonymous]

This is so familiar to me that if I didn't know my husband wasn't the type to read or post to DCUM in a million years I would swear it was him. I mean right down to the number of years we both stayed home.

If he said this to me here's what I would honestly respond:

I understand and I know. I'm not unaware there's an imbalance right now and I know I have to find the groove and am trying. I will get there. But right now, I am establishing myself in my career after an absence and that takes dedication and time. I love having an identity again outside of wife and mom and I don't want to feel bad for enjoying that. Excelling at my job means something to me. I appreciate how much you've stepped up to fill the gap that was created when I went back to work. I sometimes come home at 8 pm and do dishes and clean up so I get that it's exhausting and it's hard for both of us.

But I can't be expected to leverage my happiness and satisfaction and career because in order for me to have those things, you temporarily have to cook more and have less sex. You're saying that your sex life is more of a priority than my long-term success at a career I love and am great at. And that's deeply unfair.

[Anonymous]

This is generally the 1st step towards a marital disaster. It's called looking for a fight.

You HHI is 600K, you have 2 healthy children, you are 2 healthy adults, you have food, shelter, money for a cleaning person, vacations... Live in a safe neighborhood with great schools and have sex every.single.week.

If you go looking for problems you will find one ,it's the magical secret of life, nothing is perfect, if you look hard enough for a blemish you will find it. If you pick at it, it will grow.

You let your mind walk down the imaginary path of "hey I'm not happy" AND "I need to blame somebody else" AND "the closest target is my spouse".

You could look at your life with gratefullness or You can not pick it, look for a problem (where there really is not one), build discontent in your brain and muster up some resentment. Then, once You have primed the foundation to be a little shaky, look elsewhere for contentment. When all along you had it, right in front of your eyes, you just refused to see it.

Then, when you F it all up, you say, hey we had problems all along.... It was inevitable because my spouse didn't make me happy.

Tread lightly young man, you are playing with fire and the whole forest could go up in flames and leave your little kids charred.

The answer lies inside you not outward. Change your perspective.

[Anonymous]

These last two posts are the answer. This doesn't sound like a deeply flawed on unhappy marriage. This sounds like they did things one way for seven years and now they are doing it another way and he's not thrilled with it but that is marriage. She may not have been thrilled with every aspect of the seven years you spent building your career but hopefully all she did was bitch about it on DCUM and leave it at that--she didn't cheat or call a divorce lawyer or make you feel like a bad husband. You married her for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Stick it out, she'll get more comfortable in her career and have more flexibility, the kids will get older and less demanding of everyone's attention, and you two will have more energy for each other. The 30's suck, the 40's are better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unhealthy Bizarre PP here. That is exactly my point. What OP's wife is doing is not healthy either. It's what a woman does who does not really want her husband anymore. I know plenty of good wives. Whether they work or not they take a deep interest in their kids' welfare and that of their husbands. OP's wife is completely unapologetic about letting him shoulder the burden. Have you considered that the reason she is working insanely is to a) escape the drudgery of momming in the present AND b) to establish her financial security in the future? When you are only remaining in the marriage for the kids this is how you think. I am just trying to open OP's eyes to the reality.

This is exactly the same thing I was just about to write. I’m sorry OP but I think your wife has checked out and is setting herself up financially to be on her own. If you truly make $500k then I don’t understand why she is working so late every night and focusing on work so much. I would think she would try to have some balance and be there for the kids and with you. Right now she isnt prioritizing anyone but herself. She probably got burnt out and fed up by being a SAHM all those years. Now she has some freedom and would rather be at work than at home dealing with the day to day drudgery. That or... she’s having an affair with someone at work and has to “ stay late” a lot.

Bizarre here again. Thanks. I could be wrong but everything OP describes makes the doomsday scenario a real possibility. This DW sounds completely checked-out. I empathize.

[Anonymous]

Have conversations about sex. Easy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of whether you're a man or a woman, I think the way we tie our identities and sense of self-worth to our employment is the source of a lot of problems in society.

When the robots do everything, the people who own robots are going to be rich, the rest of us are going to be poor, and nobody is going to know where to find their identity.

This is a gem in a mess of a thread. In a utopia, robots do the work, everyone gets a stipend, but yes, what will be our identity when we don't work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of whether you're a man or a woman, I think the way we tie our identities and sense of self-worth to our employment is the source of a lot of problems in society.

When the robots do everything, the people who own robots are going to be rich, the rest of us are going to be poor, and nobody is going to know where to find their identity.

This is a gem in a mess of a thread. In a utopia, robots do the work, everyone gets a stipend, but yes, what will be our identity when we don't work?

Totally disagree. Everyone wants to feel like they are making a difference, like they are doing something that has value, that they are using their talents. Some people get that feeling through pride in their home and families, some through their hobbies (like running marathons), some through their work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These last two posts are the answer. This doesn't sound like a deeply flawed on unhappy marriage. This sounds like they did things one way for seven years and now they are doing it another way and he's not thrilled with it but that is marriage. She may not have been thrilled with every aspect of the seven years you spent building your career but hopefully all she did was bitch about it on DCUM and leave it at that--she didn't cheat or call a divorce lawyer or make you feel like a bad husband. You married her for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Stick it out, she'll get more comfortable in her career and have more flexibility, the kids will get older and less demanding of everyone's attention, and you two will have more energy for each other. The 30's suck, the 40's are better.

...this is encouraging!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of whether you're a man or a woman, I think the way we tie our identities and sense of self-worth to our employment is the source of a lot of problems in society.

When the robots do everything, the people who own robots are going to be rich, the rest of us are going to be poor, and nobody is going to know where to find their identity.

This is a gem in a mess of a thread. In a utopia, robots do the work, everyone gets a stipend, but yes, what will be our identity when we don't work?

Totally disagree. Everyone wants to feel like they are making a difference, like they are doing something that has value, that they are using their talents. Some people get that feeling through pride in their home and families, some through their hobbies (like running marathons), some through their work.

And here is the problem. OP wants his wife to be satisfied choosing spaghetti over nuggets, while he gets to make real business decisions. Sounds .ike she gets to make real decisions, although at less money.

She lived the Spaghetti/ nuggets battle for years, and now it’s her turn to make rel life decisions. DH (OP) can’t handle it, and now understands he need to be more appreciative of the work DW did, but hey.. it’s too late. He’s now seeing staying home is not the luxury that he thought it was, especially as his wife has a decent job that she loves.

And such is the pickle that OP finds himself in. Sure, he has a grew job, but it came at the expense of DW. She’s already making 6 digits. If she had the time that OP did.. I suspect she’d do as well, or close to it. But OP doesn’t want that, he wants someone to choose the dinner menu and give him more sex.

And this is why women are behind. Our spouses are “happy that we work”,as long as it’s a hobby, and we plan dinner, watch the children, and give them more sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of whether you're a man or a woman, I think the way we tie our identities and sense of self-worth to our employment is the source of a lot of problems in society.

When the robots do everything, the people who own robots are going to be rich, the rest of us are going to be poor, and nobody is going to know where to find their identity.

This is a gem in a mess of a thread. In a utopia, robots do the work, everyone gets a stipend, but yes, what will be our identity when we don't work?

Totally disagree. Everyone wants to feel like they are making a difference, like they are doing something that has value, that they are using their talents. Some people get that feeling through pride in their home and families, some through their hobbies (like running marathons), some through their work.

And here is the problem. OP wants his wife to be satisfied choosing spaghetti over nuggets, while he gets to make real business decisions. Sounds .ike she gets to make real decisions, although at less money.

She lived the Spaghetti/ nuggets battle for years, and now it’s her turn to make rel life decisions. DH (OP) can’t handle it, and now understands he need to be more appreciative of the work DW did, but hey.. it’s too late. He’s now seeing staying home is not the luxury that he thought it was, especially as his wife has a decent job that she loves.

And such is the pickle that OP finds himself in. Sure, he has a grew job, but it came at the expense of DW. She’s already making 6 digits. If she had the time that OP did.. I suspect she’d do as well, or close to it. But OP doesn’t want that, he wants someone to choose the dinner menu and give him more sex.

And this is why women are behind. Our spouses are “happy that we work”,as long as it’s a hobby, and we plan dinner, watch the children, and give them more sex.

Yup.

"“Most males say they want to have a high-achieving partner,” Ms. Yavorsky said. “However, that very much changes after a birth of a baby and other highly gendered, ritualized time periods.”"

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html?ribbon-ad-idx=4&rref=world&hpw&rref=upshot&clickSource=thumb&WT.nav=bottom-well&_r=0&module=ArrowsNav&contentCollection=The%20Upshot&action=swipe%C2%AEion=FixedRight&pgtype=article

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These last two posts are the answer. This doesn't sound like a deeply flawed on unhappy marriage. This sounds like they did things one way for seven years and now they are doing it another way and he's not thrilled with it but that is marriage. She may not have been thrilled with every aspect of the seven years you spent building your career but hopefully all she did was bitch about it on DCUM and leave it at that--she didn't cheat or call a divorce lawyer or make you feel like a bad husband. You married her for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Stick it out, she'll get more comfortable in her career and have more flexibility, the kids will get older and less demanding of everyone's attention, and you two will have more energy for each other. The 30's suck, the 40's are better.

Really? I am one hundred percent certain that if op was the wife, posters would be agreeing with op, and providing suggestions on how to get dh to work less.

And of my dh were working these types of hours and sharing so little of the household responsibilities for three years, there would be ultimatums given, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anthropologically speaking, OP is the alpha male silverback whose evolution has led him to expect that with success comes frequent reproductive opportunities. It was a similar situation for the khans and their harems. Unfortunately he lives in a society where females have a achieved a level of equality in the workplace where they are no longer required to be as submissive to the alpha male to survive. For everyone saying "that's just how men are," this is my answer: "this is just how society is now."

If you don't like this, there are a few alternatives I have seen men pursue: divorce wife and pursue rich bachelor lifestyle, divorce wife and select mail-order-bride or other woman who is beholden enough to you that she must be submissive, stay in marriage and cheat frequently, or stay in marriage and hire prostitutes.

Interesting fact: among primates, a harem social structure is correlated with very small male reproductive organs. Since females mate with one male only, there is no need for large quantities of sperm. A silverback gorilla’s penis is about the size of your pinky (true, you can look it up).

Therefore, we can assume men who spout off nonsense about harems likely have very small penises.

That is fantastic.

Thank you!

I also don’t think misogynists who buy the whole “alpha male/harem” thing realize what it actually entails- living completely alone, fighting to your death for the chance to mate, a 90+% chance that you will never mate (only a small percentage of males actually become “alpha”), constantly fighting off rivals, very little actual sex, caring for dozens of children, enjoying that life for maybe a few years until someone younger and stronger kills you. Oh, and in humans, it only works if there is either massive male casualties from war, or if there is a huge wealth disparity, so you also have to worry about either getting killed in battle or someone killing you for your wealth. Studies have found that alpha male animals have massive amounts of stress and their health deteriorates from it. Not exactly the fantasy these idiots have where they sit on their ass all day, getting bjs and fed grapes by beautiful women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

Here you have a summary of the typical marriage from a guy’s perspective. Know this before you choose whether or not to sign up for it or not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

Here you have a summary of the typical marriage from a guy’s perspective. Know this before you choose whether or not to sign up for it or not!