Reply to Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sounds like you are using him.  He is the only parent in the house and you are complaining how he does things.  Reduce your hours and step up an due a parent.  Hire a tutor and housekeeper.[/quote]

+1  Throw money at this.  Tutor, delivered meals, housekeeper or regular cleaning service. You are complaining most about what your husband is doing, not about him personally.  If you still like him personally but want to shape things up without going broke hire people.[/quote]

Not a housecleaner, you need a housekeeper who comes daily and serves asa household manager. One who can cook, move the laundry, organize your living areas, grocery shop. You might also consider hiring a specific type of home organizer to help with decluttering and setting up organization systems - one trained to work with the "chronically disorganized" (yes, that's a term!). I used Jill Lawrence, jillofalltradesdc.com, and there are others like her (Cleveland Park listserv has a few that advertise from time to time). I also love Lisa Ferguson of organize365.com - podcasts are free, and the "whole house organization" programs are nominal. Her website has great resources.

Your husband could also be suffering from depression and have a hard time facing these tasks and being the enforcer to the kids.

Setting down rules is hard and the kids will have tantrums and slam doors just like they did when they were ages 2-5, but you need to set new rules and expectations. December/January is a good time to do this.

Subscribe to OurPact and kill their phone apps until their homework is done. 
Use a mesh wireless system (we have eero) and kill the wifi on their laptops and phones and iPads at 8pm every night (you can keep your devices active on the network). 
No shower, no dinner, no homework = no phone tomorrow. Backtalk about that? No phone the next day either. 
Don't like the dinner that is served? Have a bowl of Cheerios with milk, or yogurt with granola (and make and clean it up yourself).

I am in a similar situation only I am the one at home. It is very hard to be with the kids 6.5 hours and withstand all the bickering with one another, plus I'm in a car for about 3 hours straight most afternoons with practices and lessons. I do work full-time as a writer and researcher. DH comes home at 8 and blows his gasket after a long day with cranky clients and then gridlock traffic driving home. [b]I have made clear to him that I need him to back me up on the rules about screens, homework, cleaning up, practicing, bickering. It's hard being the only enforcer.[/b]

Good luck!!

[/quote]

NP here and this is good advice.  My DH is the Fed and goes in early and comes home early.  He has pickup, drop off at activities, and dinner.  I don’t work crazy hours but I don’t get home until 6-7PM.  I am also the disorganized one, likely with undiagnosed ADHD with one child that has diagnosed ADHD.  So I get it.  There are days I feel like I can barely juggle work with 3-4 projects plus the kid signup and calendars (which I organize) and checking that homework is done. The house is often a mess and the kids don’t have regular chores yet other than cleaning up after themselves. I’ve tried home organizers and its helped a little but not become a way of life.  I will look into the resources mentioned above, especially the podcast.

The biggest thing though is the last line that you can’t undermine each other and you have to look out for each other.  When my dd has done something to warrant electronics being taken away, I may try to get home on the earlier end or make sure I leave on time and if needed log on later for work that night because I know consequences for the kids are 10X harder on the parent AND kids will sometimes make it even more so to “punish you” for punishing them, hoping it will deter you.[/quote]

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