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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
My wife feels spent and uninterested in sex even when I do all those things. One of the things is that sex is simply not a priority for her. She's not malicious or trying to hurt my feelings or anything. It just doesn't occur to her unless I bring it up. And, because it's not a priority, if I take the load off by taking care of a lot of the necessities, it's her nature to increase her load by taking on a bunch of discretionary activities. So, I could kill myself with effort, and it wouldn't result in so much free time for her that she felt relaxed and horny. So, I respect your situation, but I think there are more than a few guys who feel like their wife can't be relied upon to make sex a priority no matter how much effort they put into what their wives see as priorities. [/quote]

What are these discretionary activities? My sex drive is in the toilet these days, and I know a whole lot of that is because I've gained weight and gotten out of shape, so I don't feel as physically comfortable, and I feel way too body conscious to enjoy sex. If my husband took things off my plate, I'd probably throw that time and energy into losing weight and exercising more, and so he'd probably see me spending a lot of that newfound time running and looking up new recipes. That might feel to him like the same kind of discretionary activities you're talking about and he might not see the connection, but there is one. He's helping me so I can put more energy into the things that I hope will help me increase my sex drive.[/quote]

In fact, losing weight and exercising more were some of those activities. She was always doing that to some extent, but after we had the exhausted-need help to feel sexy conversation, and I increased my efforts to decrease her workload, the exercise increased. Which generally was fine - except when I kept getting the "I can't have sex with you tonight because I need to get up early to exercise with my friend" brush off. But that was incidental. There was a lot more gardening. There were walls to be painted because she didn't like the color. There were lots more gatherings with mom-friends that seemed to involve enough wine to make her tired in the evening. There was an expansion of her work-from-home job. That's off the top of my head.

None of this is bad, mind you. Really the wine-with-other-moms is the only one that seemed more on the frivolous side. But all of them showed me that sex was very low on the priority list. My wife is an active and imaginative person. That's part of why I like her so much. But that means that, if sex isn't a priority, she'll never run out of things to do that will leave her too tired for sex. (And she was fairly uninterested in some of the work arounds like having sex first thing in the morning or in the afternoon.)

What's helped to some extent is me getting a vasectomy, her getting rid of the hormonal birth control, and, frankly, me telling her point blank that lack of sex was making me unhappy and her caring enough about the marriage to raise it up the priority list.

And to the PP whose husband can't be bothered to show her sexless affection, it's not like that in our marriage. For example, I can't begin to count the number of unreciprocated foot rubs I have given my wife without sex within a week on either side. [/quote]

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