Husband suddenly not interested in being a parent or spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to start the divorce process because he has no reason to. If he's having an affair, he's probably not at a point where he's thinking about being in a serious relationship with her. Divorce is expensive. He'd have to find a new place to live. He'd have to pay child support for 3 kids. He'd have to have some form of custody for 3 kids that he doesn't want to be involved with right now (likely because they make him feel guilty for the affair as they are a reminder of your marriage and what he's doing to his family). Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He can keep doing whatever he wants with no consequences.

I feel like this is it.

And he knows I’m desperate to keep things normal for the kids so continues to do whatever he wants.

If I push for divorce I’m the bad guy.

Don't push. Do.

The guy moved out of the marital bedroom, won't tell you what's going on, or address it in therapy, is ignoring his kids and has basically become a different person in the last 6 weeks. Stop begging and crying and talking and offering sex and start focusing on you and your kids. I realize you are reeling right now. That is natural. But you're at the point where the oxygen masks have dropped and you have to put yours on in order to help your kids.

At the next marriage counseling session I'd introduce the idea that you think something is medically wrong and think he should go to a doctor. Push back on his crap. See what happens.

All of this. OP, you are way too enmeshed. He is done with the marriage and is never going to go back to being a great dad. These types will always play the victim.

Pull yourself together and start protecting your kids emotionally by de-emphasizing their dad. Project stability, you control that and they need it.

Soon to be ex is more than halfway out the door and no bargaining is going to change that. Nor will tears or words do anything but maybe make him bail faster. It’s over and you need to acknowledge that reality and set you and the kids up for a stable life that is not centered on emotional abuse. You may have to co-parent with his AP, and lose out on half of kids’ holidays. That sucks. Your kids will be very impacted, always, from this, even as parents. That sucks too. Focus on what you do have control over, you. Weeping and begging is not helpful for anyone.

[Anonymous]

OP - Seems like it may be time to focus on what is best for you and your children by getting individual therapy for yourself. A good therapist will help you to get back your balance as a person and figure out what might be the best path forward. Also if you are not yet ready to see a lawyer, then get to understand your finances and copy all important legal and financial documents. Hopefully, your name is on at least the deed to the house if not the mortgage, too. Also hopefully your name is on all bank and investment accounts so that one can't be shut out. Getting an understanding of what likely 50% of shared marital assets would be as well as 50/50 shared custody will be a first step. Then go to a lawyer to understand your rights, but do some research on getting connected to the right lawyer who will listen to you and act in your behalf.

If you feel your husband is not in a mental state to share custody, which is the usual breakdown today, then you need to hire a lawyer who will be willing to go to bat to get you what you feel is needed in this area. Document all you can in his change of behaviors and functioning levels. But again, your kids are relatively still young and this is a reality of divorce today. Number one step is to get "you" back to a good place. If you work, make sure you are putting your time into your job as this will be important in providing for the children if DH is truly on a downward trend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair. He doesn’t want to get divorced right now bc he’s not sure if the affair will last. He will only leave you when he has someone else lined up and ready to take your place.

⬆️ BTW has anyone ever returned to one of these threads or posted an update to say "BTW turns out it WAS a brain tumor!!!"??

Threads, no, but I actually do know one couple where it turned out to be a brain tumor (not found until after they were divorcing). But you know what I know many, many more of? Couples where it was an affair.

Horses, not zebras.

Statistically tumors are rare, sure. But depression isnt. Ive seen both those things create dramatic personality changes.

No one here actually knows OP or her DH, so the level of rock solid, 100 percent certainty that He. Is. Cheating. is almost comically arrogant. Whenever a change is a dramatic overnight alteration like OP describes, it's stupid of the spouse to leap to assumptions, but that's what people here want her to do. Of course she needs to get the financial info, check his phone etc. etc. because cheating is possible. But if that's not the issue after all, and she's set a divirce in motion after six weeks of his checking out? That would be handing power over to strangers who insisted she should ignore other possibilities because it can only be cheating.

[Anonymous]

So far all OP is doing is crying, talking and saying she will martyr herself if that will make him a good dad. Spoiler - it eont.

[Anonymous]

For my dh, these facts were a midlife crisis and not an affair. Had been super happy for 20 years, great dad and husband. Started as depressed then shifted into anger at me. Then covid happened and suddenly he’s telling me that he hadn’t actually been happy for those 20 years but rather I had been an emotionally abusive wife. Its hard because no one is perfect, and I wanted to save my marriage, so when he’s clearly depressed and saying that my complaining about him taking too long to cook dinner is emotional abuse, it puts me in an impossible situation where I pretty much had to agree with him. He barely had anything to do with me and ds for the first year of covid- so unlike him. I knew it wasn’t an affair because we both worked from home before and during covid, and pretty much knew what each other was doing all the time. Which was a big part of the trigger for his depression, honestly. We both wanted to have a better marriage and both committed to working harder, and it came pretty easily for us once we both agreed to put the effort in. But definitely depression and midlife crisis for us; and not affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For my dh, these facts were a midlife crisis and not an affair. Had been super happy for 20 years, great dad and husband. Started as depressed then shifted into anger at me. Then covid happened and suddenly he’s telling me that he hadn’t actually been happy for those 20 years but rather I had been an emotionally abusive wife. Its hard because no one is perfect, and I wanted to save my marriage, so when he’s clearly depressed and saying that my complaining about him taking too long to cook dinner is emotional abuse, it puts me in an impossible situation where I pretty much had to agree with him. He barely had anything to do with me and ds for the first year of covid- so unlike him. I knew it wasn’t an affair because we both worked from home before and during covid, and pretty much knew what each other was doing all the time. Which was a big part of the trigger for his depression, honestly. We both wanted to have a better marriage and both committed to working harder, and it came pretty easily for us once we both agreed to put the effort in. But definitely depression and midlife crisis for us; and not affair

Or, his affair had to end because of COVID and he took it out on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my dh, these facts were a midlife crisis and not an affair. Had been super happy for 20 years, great dad and husband. Started as depressed then shifted into anger at me. Then covid happened and suddenly he’s telling me that he hadn’t actually been happy for those 20 years but rather I had been an emotionally abusive wife. Its hard because no one is perfect, and I wanted to save my marriage, so when he’s clearly depressed and saying that my complaining about him taking too long to cook dinner is emotional abuse, it puts me in an impossible situation where I pretty much had to agree with him. He barely had anything to do with me and ds for the first year of covid- so unlike him. I knew it wasn’t an affair because we both worked from home before and during covid, and pretty much knew what each other was doing all the time. Which was a big part of the trigger for his depression, honestly. We both wanted to have a better marriage and both committed to working harder, and it came pretty easily for us once we both agreed to put the effort in. But definitely depression and midlife crisis for us; and not affair

Or, his affair had to end because of COVID and he took it out on you.

No, because we had moved to a new small town a few years prior, we were both working from home before Covid, and didn’t have any social circle in the new town. So the isolation and being stuck at home were what clearly triggered the depression, even before Covid. And he was home all the time, so I knew there wasn’t an affair.

[Anonymous]

OP, get your ducks in a row financially. Consult a lawyer. Investigate possible affair. Do the 180, affair or not, your current approach is making things worse. Bring up a medical exam and depression screening in therapy. If he refuses, begin to move on in this new reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair. He doesn’t want to get divorced right now bc he’s not sure if the affair will last. He will only leave you when he has someone else lined up and ready to take your place.

⬆️ BTW has anyone ever returned to one of these threads or posted an update to say "BTW turns out it WAS a brain tumor!!!"??

Threads, no, but I actually do know one couple where it turned out to be a brain tumor (not found until after they were divorcing). But you know what I know many, many more of? Couples where it was an affair.

Horses, not zebras.

Statistically tumors are rare, sure. But depression isnt. Ive seen both those things create dramatic personality changes.

No one here actually knows OP or her DH, so the level of rock solid, 100 percent certainty that He. Is. Cheating. is almost comically arrogant. Whenever a change is a dramatic overnight alteration like OP describes, it's stupid of the spouse to leap to assumptions, but that's what people here want her to do. Of course she needs to get the financial info, check his phone etc. etc. because cheating is possible. But if that's not the issue after all, and she's set a divirce in motion after six weeks of his checking out? That would be handing power over to strangers who insisted she should ignore other possibilities because it can only be cheating.

My spouse had a similar abrupt check-out. He decided he wanted a different/better life and the only way to get it was to dispose of the current one. So he did. He completely rewrote our 20+ year history to paint himself as a long-suffering martyr who only married me out of pity and stayed out of obligation. Our kids were an afterthought. People ask if I considered a brain tumor or depression or midlife crisis, but in the end, it didnt matter. He was gone and I had to rebuild my life from scratch and keep things "normal" for a teen and a tween who didn't understand what was going on. I didn't race to file for divorce or anything rash, but I assumed cheating and I wasn't wrong. Our kids discovere it quickly because he couldn't put his phone down during the few hours a week he would find to spend with them. He was trying to show our daughter something on his phone and a very explicit text popped up. She's 14. That's when I stopped worrying that something was wrong with him.

Assume he's cheating or wants to. Talk to at least 3 lawyers. Gather your financial info. Push the issue in therapy. Get your own therapist. Don't let him torture you by stonewalling and dragging it out while he gets his own plan in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12 years and three kids in and it’s like a flip switched.

Always a loving, devoted and present husband and father and within months he has done a 180.

He seems fed up with us all. I figured it was stress from new job. Cut him some slack and picked up more responsibilities around the house and with parenting.

He doesn’t want to be around us. He doesn’t parent. He sleeps in the basement.

Yes, I thought he may be having an affair. He denies. We started therapy. I gave him so many outs. If he wants a divorce and is that unhappy so be it but his disinterest in his kids is killing me and them.

How does a man go from being the picture perfect involved father to ignoring them at night when they ask for a bedtime story?

Affair and lying about it

Autism

Work addict and perfectionist

Poor father role model growing up

Not marriage or father material

Acute depression due to new job or chronic depression due to underlying mental disorder(s)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many people readily admit their affairs when asked?

Not my exDH! He had multiple opportunities to tell me the truth, on his own and with the support of a therapist. He chose instead to double down and gaslight me.

It was pretty unbelievable to watch as I had receipts the whole time and was watching him in real time because he was using my laptop and I paid for the joint family cell plan.

I'm not sure which turned me off more - the infidelity itself, how stupid he was in carrying it out, or how stupid he must have thought I was that he thought I would believe his lies.

I have never felt such a sense of relief as the day I finally got him to leave the house, perhaps next best was when our youngest kid turned 18 and I was able to completely grey rock him.

Cheaters are toxic, and living with them gives the victim spouse a kind of chronic PTSD. Kids are also affected, because the disengagement and hostility affects them too.

Be kind to yourself and focus on creating a safe and healthy living environment for yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many people readily admit their affairs when asked?

Not my exDH! He had multiple opportunities to tell me the truth, on his own and with the support of a therapist. He chose instead to double down and gaslight me.

It was pretty unbelievable to watch as I had receipts the whole time and was watching him in real time because he was using my laptop and I paid for the joint family cell plan.

I'm not sure which turned me off more - the infidelity itself, how stupid he was in carrying it out, or how stupid he must have thought I was that he thought I would believe his lies.

I have never felt such a sense of relief as the day I finally got him to leave the house, perhaps next best was when our youngest kid turned 18 and I was able to completely grey rock him.

Cheaters are toxic, and living with them gives the victim spouse a kind of chronic PTSD. Kids are also affected, because the disengagement and hostility affects them too.

Be kind to yourself and focus on creating a safe and healthy living environment for yourself and your kids.

Hah mine too! Even when I provided receipts. I backed him into a corner and he became like a dog simultaneously rabid and cowering. He left the same day and my relief was enormous. I'm still relieved. He's still cowering and rabid 🤣

[Anonymous]

OP, he is unlikely to return to being a decent father and he doesn’t seem to want to be your husband.

I’m sorry things have changed.

You need to play the cards you are dealt and focus on resilience and relationships and strengths you and the kids DO have. Get your ducks in a row, investigate possible affair, encourage him to get treatment. You are in the bargaining and denial stage and for the sake of your kids, you can’t stay there.

Dad has constructively bailed, mom seems weak and to be wallowing in codependency. How scary for them. You have to step up. If it helps to think how you would rebuild life if DH died, try that. One step in front of the other. The kids need a strong adult figure. You are the only one left. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Have you tried more sex?
Maybe that’s will make him snap out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried more sex?
Maybe that’s will make him snap out of it.

How do you force someone to have sex with you?