Husband suddenly not interested in being a parent or spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too many pages of this thread…Has anyone mentioned to “follow the money”? Do a deep dive on your cash account and credit cards. Does this guy come home after work? Is he reachable at work? Borrow a friend’s vehicle and follow him after work. Basically, do something.

OP, you can hire a private eye with the useless therapy money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to start the divorce process because he has no reason to. If he's having an affair, he's probably not at a point where he's thinking about being in a serious relationship with her. Divorce is expensive. He'd have to find a new place to live. He'd have to pay child support for 3 kids. He'd have to have some form of custody for 3 kids that he doesn't want to be involved with right now (likely because they make him feel guilty for the affair as they are a reminder of your marriage and what he's doing to his family). Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He can keep doing whatever he wants with no consequences.

I feel like this is it.

And he knows I’m desperate to keep things normal for the kids so continues to do whatever he wants.

If I push for divorce I’m the bad guy.

This is what they WANT. The get out of jail card where you’re the bad guy and all the blame goes on you, not just to him but to everyone. It’s all part of the game.

Exactly. And if I had a thousand dollars for every person who thought my previously devoted, now ex-DH, had a brain tumor during his affair, I’d be wealthy.

[Anonymous]

OP - same happened to me 5 years ago just as COVID started. It was not an affair. He just changed/mid life crisis - or maybe his undiagnosed mental health issues kicked in. Been through 5 years of hell. It’s getting better now - but he is no longer employed and that sucks for me. I wish I had divorced 5 years ago. Now is hard - his dad just died, his mom is about to follow and (more importantly), DC1 is a junior and I need things to be stable for him.

[Anonymous]

My ex hid his depression and blamed work until he couldn’t anymore and had a breakdown at work. He had severe PTSD.

Could something have happened that triggered his past trauma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex hid his depression and blamed work until he couldn’t anymore and had a breakdown at work. He had severe PTSD.

Could something have happened that triggered his past trauma?

Like another woman?

[Anonymous]

Seems all the checked out, uninterested and cheating husbands have ADHD -PTSD 🫥

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Seems all the checked out, uninterested and cheating husbands have ADHD -PTSD 🫥

And brain tumors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Seems all the checked out, uninterested and cheating husbands have ADHD -PTSD 🫥

And brain tumors.

Exactly 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Seems all the checked out, uninterested and cheating husbands have ADHD -PTSD 🫥

And brain tumors.

Exactly 🙄

+1

The problem is many women don’t want to believe that their marriage is just as subject to an affair as anyone posting here. They want to blame the betrayed spouse or find another solution, no matter how far fetched, because it could NEVER happen to them, or they don’t want to face that it very much could happen to them.

Brain tumors are certainly not as frequent in a marriage as affairs are. Hoofbeats and all.

[Anonymous]

OP, how would you rate his emotional health and general adulting skills before all of this happened?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with DH for 20 years. We have teens. I’m currently checked out, sick of all of them. I’m not depressed. I think I’m the opposite.

We are in our late forties and we know many people in their forties and fifties who dislike their spouse and seem to be unhappily married. This does not include the divorcing couples who also live together but don’t like one another. This is more common than you think.

I actually think most couples we know well kind of are over their spouses. We are all kind of stuck in this life with someone we dated and married 10-20 years ago and stuck because we have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

And what is your excuse? Why are you waiting for him to make the decision? Your shock can only last so long- it sounds like it's been a month now. What exactly is going on down in the basement? Others have suggested checking out his phone/laptop/you could install a nanny cam in the basement etc etc. You have literally done nothing. Please make a plan. Make sure you collect evidence or protect yourself financially.

At your next therapy appt, state the obvious- that you are worried something organic/physical is going on and you want to rule that out before giving up. But if he isn't going to follow up and rule out issues/he doesn't care, then the next topic is the children- why he doesn't even care that he doesn't care about the kids any longer. What have his responses been with the therapist on that topic? Honestly this would take up all my time in therapy in this case- discussing the impact on the kids of suddenly being ignored and disengaged. If he stays silent and your therapist continues to state the obvious- then you have to make the choice as the only engaged member of the relationship-Then you leave.

Liberate yourself. Stop waiting for liberation.

It’s been maybe two months, not years.

Does everyone go straight to spying on your spouse?

DP, but who wouldn't? Your spouse becomes a different person overnight, to include ignoring children he is usually very attentive to, and won't talk about why. I wold 100% count an affair as a strong possibility.

Of course an affair is a possibility. But it's been only six weeks, and OP describes this as a 100 percent, 180-degree turnaround in her DH's behavior that happened very suddenly. When a change is THAT sudden, it might be other things besides infidelity, but an instant assumption that it's cheating could end up preventing OP from even considering any bigger picture than that.

The "Liberate yourself!" cries are from PPs who seem not not notice, or who don't care, that it's been six weeks and this was a night-and-day change. Telling a stranger to dump her marriage based on that short a time frame and that huge and sudden a change is projecting, in a big way. She needs to tell him (when the kids are not around and he's not trying to duck into the basement) that it's "come to Jesus" time: She needs to point out to him that this is night and day, the kids are noticing, and it is damaging the marriage very quickly and badly, Then she tells him: She's already made the appointments with the doctor for a physical and a counselor (for him, not for them as a couple--yet). And it's non-negotiable. These things can be said with love and deep concern, but have to be said out loud.

Otherwise, OP, you will simply stew and fret and end up divorced anyway. If you loved the guy before this sudden turn of his, tap into that, and tell him you love him and see that he has altered profoundly in just six freaking weeks. I really would be wondering first and foremost if he was undergoing a mental health issue or possible physical issue (even if he insists he "feels fine"). Also: Anything happen around the time this began? It was the holidays-- did he spend time with a relative who's unhappy and might have triggered DH to be dissatisfied? Or something happened at his job and he hasn't told you about it? Or other upheaval in his family, his work, his friend circle, which could push a guy into depression? Worth at least considering. And DCUM, I am not denying cheating happens, I just know that it's nuts for anyone to tell a stranger "I know 100 percent this is cheating" when you don't know the people IRL. And that's been said on this thread.

TL DR -

The part I did read was that OP should have a come to Jesus. What do you think has been happening in the marriage therapy where he won't engage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when is the last time you two had sex? How much sex in the last 6 - 12 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely affair territory. And men are likely to want to overthrow their current family and start a new one ... Keep an eye out and listen to your gut!!

It’s this.
Stop asking him what’s wrong and nagging and accusing.
Just start treating him the way you did before he was “yours”—
I know I’ll get pushback for saying this, but it’s really often as simple as that.
Engage. Attend. Be present FOR HiM and behave in ways that make him want to be around you more, not less.

Don’t do this. You don’t have to please someone who treats you less than dirt or an afterthought. You have full permission, OP, to just do things that make you and your kids happy, on your own whims and schedule. Build your life up, with his participation or not. Build your kids up so they know they have you, regardless. If he refuses to engage with therapy or you, realize that’s his choice, believe him, and as painful as it is, keep moving forward FOR YOU. It’s not up to you to beg or persuade or convince him of anything. It’s hard to contemplate but knowing and acting that way is so freeing.

No one suggested begging, persuading, or convincing.
But it’s certainly worth OP taking stock of how she has valued or possibly de-valued her husband. Married men who are happy in their relationships rarely cheat. Men who are feeling isolated, ignored, and disconnected from their spouses are much more likely to shut down opportunities to stray.
OP can deny and ignore that or acknowledge it and take inventory.

This is MRA nonsense, OP. I’m sure you already know this, but ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair. He doesn’t want to get divorced right now bc he’s not sure if the affair will last. He will only leave you when he has someone else lined up and ready to take your place.

⬆️ BTW has anyone ever returned to one of these threads or posted an update to say "BTW turns out it WAS a brain tumor!!!"??

Threads, no, but I actually do know one couple where it turned out to be a brain tumor (not found until after they were divorcing). But you know what I know many, many more of? Couples where it was an affair.

Horses, not zebras.