Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up where all the dads worked on Wall St. and the public schools didn’t have busses because it was assumed every household had a mom at home or a nanny / housekeeper to take kids to school. This was in the 90s, not the 1960s. His HS friends who stayed all have similar lifestyles today with the wife at home and the dad working 60+ hours a week. The only difference is that with telework, sometimes the dads get to see an afterschool track meet or soccer game.

I think some men think having non-working spouse is a status symbol. Part of displaying that status symbol is showing off the fact that your wife has time to get her nails and hair done, time to work out, and time to decorate your home and plan parties and fundraisers.

If your wife is just schlepping your kids around town in a minivan with her messy bun and leggings, that’s not a status symbol, that’s advertising the fact that your wife doesn’t have the earning potential to justify paying for the labor she provides for free.

I’m from nyc and lived in a town of families like you describe. I’m ivy educated and used to work before staying home. I clean up nicely but I do drive my kids around to their three different schools with messy hair but I drive an expensive SUV. I work out daily and am often in leggings or athleisure. Some days I get dressed for lunch or dinner. Most days I may not. It is cold. My comfy clothes are stylish. I chitchat with parents at school and games.

I do host a lot. I host play dates, parties, dinners, teas. We have a packed social life. I travel with the kids.

DH is very successful and well respected. I don’t think he cares but I do think in his circles, having a SAHM wife and kids in private is somewhat of a status symbol. Many people have this so no one really cares. DH is very proud of our kids and how well they are turning out. He tells me he appreciates me and how amazing our kids are frequently.

🤮

NP but it’s super telling of your own unhappiness that you feel the need to Yuck someone else’s yum.
You’re probably a liberal too—who espouses acceptance and inclusivity but can’t abide by it when it comes to someone who doesn’t make decisions for their own life that you don’t personally approve of.
Bizarre that you don’t recognize your own dysfunction in that dynamic. But not surprising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would resent this, and I would hope my spouse would resent it.

I know there are men who feel this way. I think it speaks volumes of what men think about women if they genuinely don't care what their spouse does all day. Men who think this just don't think about their spouses are peers or partners or of having much value. That arrangement and value system works in some marriages; it wouldn't work for me.

But the thread isn’t whether someone who doesn’t NOT enter into and has NOT chosen to enter into such a marriage would resent it.

The thread is about whether husbands who DO have this arrangement resent it.
And the answer is no.

You have (very smartly for YOU—given your statement that you would resent it) decided not to have such an arrangement. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't resent my spouse. But when we were working with a contractor he called his wife mid-meeting her to check on the height of an appliance that impacted our design, because he knew she'd be home. And that made ME angry and resentful. Because I had to work outside the home AND I had kids. And there she was at home in the middle of a regular workday. No kids. No job. Pissed me off. LOL. The things that get under our skin.

I’m a doctor doing shift work (mostly at night), and I feel this resentment from people sometimes. People assume that if you are a woman and you aren’t at work during the day that you must not have a job, and boy do they not like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM mom for years, and my husband was so glad he worked and went into the office. He knew exactly how hard it was because I made sure he knew! lol!

Gross.
Could it be he was happy to go to the office to get away from your reminding him how hard your life was?
I’m all for the choice of staying at home if that works for you. But no spouse needs to be told how hard the other’s role is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I resented it, and it wasn't a joint decision. She just decided to mostly not work during the marriage, including the 10 years before we had a child.

Well, you shouldn't have had a kid with her.

Ha ha! That too after 10 years of her lazing around. Guess that makes you kinda thick as a brick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM mom for years, and my husband was so glad he worked and went into the office. He knew exactly how hard it was because I made sure he knew! lol!

Gross.
Could it be he was happy to go to the office to get away from your reminding him how hard your life was?
I’m all for the choice of staying at home if that works for you. But no spouse needs to be told how hard the other’s role is.

NP here. Being a full time parent of young kids is harder than going to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't resent my spouse. But when we were working with a contractor he called his wife mid-meeting her to check on the height of an appliance that impacted our design, because he knew she'd be home. And that made ME angry and resentful. Because I had to work outside the home AND I had kids. And there she was at home in the middle of a regular workday. No kids. No job. Pissed me off. LOL. The things that get under our skin.

You should work on your anger issues! Getting upset about the lifestyle of a person you don’t even know is over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

I’m calling BS. Whether you’d be bored being a SAHM wasn’t the point of this thread. It’s about whether husbands feel resentful. The fact that you felt it so important to type out this response that isn’t what OP is asking about suggests that actually, you are trying to diminish outer people’s lives with the statement.

Do you understand how threads work? I responded directly to the post above mine. Whether or not it answers OP's specific question isn't the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

Come on. Telling someone you find their life boring is meant to be an inside. Keep it to yourself. Duh.

Who is telling anyone anything? This is an anonymous message board. If you can't give your opinion on here, then where can you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

Some of us would like our husbands to do more than "sometimes drive a kid to a sporting practice." But glad your teamwork works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

Come on. Telling someone you find their life boring is meant to be an inside. Keep it to yourself. Duh.

Who is telling anyone anything? This is an anonymous message board. If you can't give your opinion on here, then where can you?

That opinion has nothing to do with the thread though. Maybe start one about lifestyles you’d find boring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

Come on. Telling someone you find their life boring is meant to be an inside. Keep it to yourself. Duh.

Who is telling anyone anything? This is an anonymous message board. If you can't give your opinion on here, then where can you?

Good lord. I worked for 20 years before I SAH. My life while I'm not working in an office is infinitely richer than before. I have 4.5 free hours per day and I use that time wisely. I suspect most SAHMs don't sit around on their butts, I think some people have stupidly gotten the idea that "stay at home" means they literally stay at home. Even when my kids were really little, we were out of the home most of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

Exactly. Saying it sounds boring to ME is not a judgment about someone else, and it’s not diminishing someone else’s experience.

I’ve been judged already on this thread. It didn’t bother me at all.

And since this thread is about perceptions, I don’t see the problem in sharing them.