My good friend’s husband is cheating do I tell her??

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

You're relying very heavily on the idea that your spouse -- with zero accountability to you as the wronged spouse, because you would not even know about an affair -- would magically "change" and that an affair would end. If you don't know, he never has to face any consequences or see your hurt feelings, so why would he consider an affair a mistake or decide he needed to change? I'm not sure you truly understand as much about human nature as you so firmly believe you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

You're relying very heavily on the idea that your spouse -- with zero accountability to you as the wronged spouse, because you would not even know about an affair -- would magically "change" and that an affair would end. If you don't know, he never has to face any consequences or see your hurt feelings, so why would he consider an affair a mistake or decide he needed to change? I'm not sure you truly understand as much about human nature as you so firmly believe you do.

This is exactly why marriages with undiscovered/revealed affairs are more likely to end in divorce while ones where they are revealed cause great change, therapy and accountability and often result in a much better marriage. It’s often a jumpstart to a marriage that lost its way midlife. Marriage 2.0 often ends up with better communication, intimacy, transparency and collaboration.

[Anonymous]

How could you not if she is a close friend??

Sheesh what are friends good for?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t fathom my best friend knowing my husband is cheating me but not telling me. I would be so disappointed obviously in my husband, but in my Friend as well. friendships are for the good and the bad. I would want to know for health reasons AND the ability to leave my lying, cheating scumbag of a husband and not waste anymore of my life on him.

Exactly!! How awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t fathom my best friend knowing my husband is cheating me but not telling me. I would be so disappointed obviously in my husband, but in my Friend as well. friendships are for the good and the bad. I would want to know for health reasons AND the ability to leave my lying, cheating scumbag of a husband and not waste anymore of my life on him.

Exactly!! How awful.

Exactly, exactly!! And with the attitude "I made the decision it was better for you not to know" - how condescending. The issue is the CHEATING not the KNOWLEDGE of the cheating. Give the knowledge to the person who is in the best place to make a decision about HER life and what she wants to do with it. Stay, leave, etc.

[Anonymous]

Even a tethered goat grazes. Mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

I had to do this. It was an awkward moment and led to their divorce. I don't regret it, he needed to know. They didn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Yes, please tell your best friend. It will continue to eat at you if you don’t. It can go one of two ways. She will be grateful to know, or she will be mad at you, the messenger. Regardless, she’s YOUR best friend and if you withhold this information and she finds out, your friendship could be in danger and will never be able to trust you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

I'm not the PP but I'm a woman who agrees with her/him. And I'll tell you why. Because divorce sucks. It really effing sucks. You lose your whole world. I couldn't fathom the extent to which I'd be alone after divorce until it happened to me. And if your disposition is that you'd have to divorce if you knew your partner was cheating, a logical person can see that it'd be better to just not know then.

[Anonymous]

I was in this situation related to a friend dating someone who had issues like this and I told them there were some concerning websites they could check out if they wanted to. The person she was dating also had multiple marriages so had red flags from the start. It was nice to do it this way giving her the option, but she wasn't my best friend, so I didn't want to overstep. I think if it was one of my best friends, I would have contacted another mutual friend and figured out a plan together to reveal the information in a kind way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

I'm not the PP but I'm a woman who agrees with her/him. And I'll tell you why. Because divorce sucks. It really effing sucks. You lose your whole world. I couldn't fathom the extent to which I'd be alone after divorce until it happened to me. And if your disposition is that you'd have to divorce if you knew your partner was cheating, a logical person can see that it'd be better to just not know then.

Not the same pp, but you don't have to divorce just because you find out. You can start therapy, you can put your head in the sand, you can get your ducks in a row, you can do whatever you want. But you are doing it with knowledge, power and the full picture. That's why supporting the friend no matter what their choice is after, is so important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

I'm not the PP but I'm a woman who agrees with her/him. And I'll tell you why. Because divorce sucks. It really effing sucks. You lose your whole world. I couldn't fathom the extent to which I'd be alone after divorce until it happened to me. And if your disposition is that you'd have to divorce if you knew your partner was cheating, a logical person can see that it'd be better to just not know then.

Not the same pp, but you don't have to divorce just because you find out. You can start therapy, you can put your head in the sand, you can get your ducks in a row, you can do whatever you want. But you are doing it with knowledge, power and the full picture. That's why supporting the friend no matter what their choice is after, is so important.

This, especially the bold, x1,000.

It's amazing, the PPs who think it's best simply not to know at all. They don't get the arguments, like this one above, that everyone should have agency in their own decisions in life. Full agency requires all relevant information. By saying "I don't ever want to know," they're actually saying, "If my spouse is cheating, I willingly will make all my choices for the rest of our lives together based on a lie." I get it, some here think it's better to live in blissful ignorance than to be made mad, sad, frustrated, possibly poorer financially. Fine for them, but at the end of the day if they find out their life was all on a happy, glad, secure surface with rot beneath--how awful will that be?

[Anonymous]

I would let her know anonymously. Don't go to the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

I'm not the PP but I'm a woman who agrees with her/him. And I'll tell you why. Because divorce sucks. It really effing sucks. You lose your whole world. I couldn't fathom the extent to which I'd be alone after divorce until it happened to me. And if your disposition is that you'd have to divorce if you knew your partner was cheating, a logical person can see that it'd be better to just not know then.

Not the same pp, but you don't have to divorce just because you find out. You can start therapy, you can put your head in the sand, you can get your ducks in a row, you can do whatever you want. But you are doing it with knowledge, power and the full picture. That's why supporting the friend no matter what their choice is after, is so important.

Exactly. Having the knowledge of the affair is not a divorce summons. A true friend won’t pressure you either way but support your decision to stay because obviously you would.
May it’s because of embarrassment you don’t want to know?