My good friend’s husband is cheating do I tell her??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I vote for anonymous note in the mail, cut letters out of magazines for the text. Make the envelope look benign in case her husband brings in the mail.

Omg no op is not writing a ransom note!

Her friend might recognize her handwriting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to know for health reasons.

Blah blah blah

[Anonymous]

Two pages in and I don't think I've seen the one thing that usually appears on threads with this question:

What would YOU want to happen if your close friend knew for sure your DH were cheating? For sure, like you say you know for sure?

I'm on Team Tell Her, myself. Think about this: If he's cheating he may bring home an STD and infect her. Or he may be planning to divorce and hiding that from her until he springs it, and she would be blindsided (and wouldn't have as much time as he's gotten to get ready to divorce, protect finances etc.). If you have real information I'd tell her if I were in your shoes.

As others note, you may be risking the friendship by doing so but can you live with the knowledge you have, kept locked in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to know for health reasons.

Blah blah blah

Says the cheater.

Always amazes me, the people on DCUM who insist that STIs are no big deal. Maybe they're walking around with them, blithely infecting others, and don't give a f*** about doing so.

[Anonymous]

This would be on my list of not-my-story-to-tell.

If it's out there, it'll probably get back to her anyway. At which point you could lose her friendship is she finds out you knew about it and didn't tell her. But still -- the way I see it, not my secret to tell.

[Anonymous]

I would not say anything. It’s just not your business. You’d be telling her to relieve yourself of the “guilt” of knowing about it… it’s right there in the OP, the issue is that it’s eating at YOU.

FWIW I also would not want to be told if I were in her shoes. (Spouse and I are not swingers or in an open marriage by any means, and we’re past the age where sex is a major part of day-to-day life, but we’ve had an informal DADT policy for decades. No on even our closest friends know that.)

[Anonymous]

Tell her anonymously. She may know and choose to look the other way or there may be an open relationship dynamic at play. She can find out without knowing you are privy to details of her private like she may not want shared

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely tell. She may choose to stay, but at least she will be choosing with ALL the information.

THIS. Tell her.

When people cheat, they are denying their spouses the basic right to make life choices with all the relevant information.

OP, script it out in advance, plan when and where you'll do it. I would not do it at her house or yours. Go to a park or something--somewhere away from people, at a time when she is not going to have to run off and, say, pick up a kid from an activity afterward etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be on my list of not-my-story-to-tell.

If it's out there, it'll probably get back to her anyway. At which point you could lose her friendship is she finds out you knew about it and didn't tell her. But still -- the way I see it, not my secret to tell.

The way some of us see it, "not my secret to tell" is an easy out that enables secrets to flourish. And it gets applied to more than cheating in marriage.

Tell her, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not say anything. It’s just not your business. You’d be telling her to relieve yourself of the “guilt” of knowing about it… it’s right there in the OP, the issue is that it’s eating at YOU.

FWIW I also would not want to be told if I were in her shoes. (Spouse and I are not swingers or in an open marriage by any means, and we’re past the age where sex is a major part of day-to-day life, but we’ve had an informal DADT policy for decades. No on even our closest friends know that.)

If OP's as close to the friend as she believes she is, she likely can make a very good prediction of whether the friend would want to know or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her anonymously. She may know and choose to look the other way or there may be an open relationship dynamic at play. She can find out without knowing you are privy to details of her private like she may not want shared

I think this is the important part - the spouse (usually wife) in this situation wants to believe no one else knows about their spouse cheating (except for them). I think in their mind, it helps to save face, so they don't feel like they should be doing anything about it, for show. Then, they can continue reaping the (usually monetary - either by cheating spouse or by cheating spouse's elder parents) benefits that come with that particular marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not say anything. It’s just not your business. You’d be telling her to relieve yourself of the “guilt” of knowing about it… it’s right there in the OP, the issue is that it’s eating at YOU.

FWIW I also would not want to be told if I were in her shoes. (Spouse and I are not swingers or in an open marriage by any means, and we’re past the age where sex is a major part of day-to-day life, but we’ve had an informal DADT policy for decades. No on even our closest friends know that.)

If OP's as close to the friend as she believes she is, she likely can make a very good prediction of whether the friend would want to know or not.

Such a know-it-all, busybody comment.

It would be extremely unusual for OP, best friend or not, to know about private sexual acts and practices agreed between this woman and her husband.

If you think it’s right for OP to insert herself into this situation, fine. So be it. But don’t pretend it’s based on knowing that the friend wants to hear it. You 100% have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous email

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be on my list of not-my-story-to-tell.

If it's out there, it'll probably get back to her anyway. At which point you could lose her friendship is she finds out you knew about it and didn't tell her. But still -- the way I see it, not my secret to tell.

The way some of us see it, "not my secret to tell" is an easy out that enables secrets to flourish. And it gets applied to more than cheating in marriage.

Tell her, OP.

It's not an "easy out." It is following a personal policy of MYOB rather than cause drama for others. Sounds like you look for an easy in -- to drama. You seem overly interested in secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Two pages in and I don't think I've seen the one thing that usually appears on threads with this question:

What would YOU want to happen if your close friend knew for sure your DH were cheating? For sure, like you say you know for sure?

I'm on Team Tell Her, myself. Think about this: If he's cheating he may bring home an STD and infect her. Or he may be planning to divorce and hiding that from her until he springs it, and she would be blindsided (and wouldn't have as much time as he's gotten to get ready to divorce, protect finances etc.). If you have real information I'd tell her if I were in your shoes.

As others note, you may be risking the friendship by doing so but can you live with the knowledge you have, kept locked in?

This. I would want to know. I would be so sad if a good friend knew and didn’t tell me. That being said, you should approach it in a way that gives your friend an “out” in case she knows and would be embarrassed if she knew you knew and she didn’t care.