My good friend’s husband is cheating do I tell her??

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

I'm not the PP but I'm a woman who agrees with her/him. And I'll tell you why. Because divorce sucks. It really effing sucks. You lose your whole world. I couldn't fathom the extent to which I'd be alone after divorce until it happened to me. And if your disposition is that you'd have to divorce if you knew your partner was cheating, a logical person can see that it'd be better to just not know then.

Not the same pp, but you don't have to divorce just because you find out. You can start therapy, you can put your head in the sand, you can get your ducks in a row, you can do whatever you want. But you are doing it with knowledge, power and the full picture. That's why supporting the friend no matter what their choice is after, is so important.

Exactly. Having the knowledge of the affair is not a divorce summons. A true friend won’t pressure you either way but support your decision to stay because obviously you would.
May it’s because of embarrassment you don’t want to know?

No, I did not, and a lot of people would not, stay -- due to resentment, loss of respect and love, etc -- when we'd be much better off emotionally and financially living in blissful ignorance. I don't rank having agency above being happy.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

I'm not the PP but I'm a woman who agrees with her/him. And I'll tell you why. Because divorce sucks. It really effing sucks. You lose your whole world. I couldn't fathom the extent to which I'd be alone after divorce until it happened to me. And if your disposition is that you'd have to divorce if you knew your partner was cheating, a logical person can see that it'd be better to just not know then.

Not the same pp, but you don't have to divorce just because you find out. You can start therapy, you can put your head in the sand, you can get your ducks in a row, you can do whatever you want. But you are doing it with knowledge, power and the full picture. That's why supporting the friend no matter what their choice is after, is so important.

Exactly. Having the knowledge of the affair is not a divorce summons. A true friend won’t pressure you either way but support your decision to stay because obviously you would.
May it’s because of embarrassment you don’t want to know?

No, I did not, and a lot of people would not, stay -- due to resentment, loss of respect and love, etc -- when we'd be much better off emotionally and financially living in blissful ignorance. I don't rank having agency above being happy.

There are so many assumptions with the above - including that DH isn’t planning to divorce the friend, that the DW is happy in the marriage - the fact is, OP is not in a position to do any sort of risk assessment for someone else’s life - and that is not her moral obligation here. What if the DH blindsides the DW with divorce? And her friend would have benefited from a heads up to get her ducks in a row? Or maybe DW is actually unhappy in marriage and would love a reason out?

Also - an anonymous tip-off is demeaning to the friend. It doesn’t allow her the opportunity to get the info. Don’t be a coward, OP.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell my very best friend but not anyone else.

[Anonymous]

I had this a discussion with a friend once about whether they would want to know or not. She said at this point in her marriage she didn't care, compared to when she was first married.

They divorced a few years later.

[Anonymous]

DW & I caught one of our neighbors/friend of DW out with a man she wasn't married to once. Nothing was ever said to my knowledge and they are still together.

[Anonymous]

I would def send anonymous email.

[Anonymous]

Def tell, send anon email if you don’t want to tell her in person. He may be with her when she opens the mail. But with anon email, include as much proof as you can.

[Anonymous]

My rule for this is that I go to the husband and give a deadline. "Ross, I know you're cheating on Rachel. You have 72 hours to tell her, or I will. Your choice." For STD purposes if nothing else, she needs to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not tell. He will deny, she might go hard core denial, and both of them despise you.

Disagree. If this a really good friend and you have undeniable proof, tell her. If you don’t and she finds out that you knew and never said anything, she will feel betrayed. Yes, I’m speaking from experience.

[Anonymous]

Close friend? Absolutely tell.

I think what’s important though, is NO editorializing. Unless you saw his d*ck actually in someone else you don’t know for sure. You say factual things that you personally witnessed only.

So: “I was at Le Diplomat on last Friday night, and I saw Larlo eating dinner with another woman. They were holding hands. Later that night, as we were leaving, I saw the two of them standing on 14th street, kissing, for several minutes. Then a car pulled up and they both got in the back seat.”

Not: “Larlo is having an affair.”

And if she doesn’t believe you, you do NOT argue or defend yourself. If she says “you’re wrong, Larlo would never do that,” you say “okay” and end the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Close friend? Absolutely tell.

I think what’s important though, is NO editorializing. Unless you saw his d*ck actually in someone else you don’t know for sure. You say factual things that you personally witnessed only.

So: “I was at Le Diplomat on last Friday night, and I saw Larlo eating dinner with another woman. They were holding hands. Later that night, as we were leaving, I saw the two of them standing on 14th street, kissing, for several minutes. Then a car pulled up and they both got in the back seat.”

Not: “Larlo is having an affair.”

And if she doesn’t believe you, you do NOT argue or defend yourself. If she says “you’re wrong, Larlo would never do that,” you say “okay” and end the conversation.

An extremely good way to handle this. Non-judgmental and highly specific, and exits the conversation if defensive walls go up.
Well done, PP.

[Anonymous]

There is only one answer.

Sam,

The first night at bed when you left, Ron made out with 2 girls and put his head between a cocktail waitress's breasts. Also was grinding with multiple fat women.

When you left crying at klutch, Ron was holding hands and dancing with a female and took down her number.

Multiple people in the house know, therefore you should know the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW & I caught one of our neighbors/friend of DW out with a man she wasn't married to once. Nothing was ever said to my knowledge and they are still together.

Were they acting in a romantic way?

[Anonymous]

Op please update us on what you decide to do. I’m very invested in this thread as I feel so strongly about what I’d do as a friend in this situation. I’m having difficulty trying to see benefits of the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

I'm not the PP but I'm a woman who agrees with her/him. And I'll tell you why. Because divorce sucks. It really effing sucks. You lose your whole world. I couldn't fathom the extent to which I'd be alone after divorce until it happened to me. And if your disposition is that you'd have to divorce if you knew your partner was cheating, a logical person can see that it'd be better to just not know then.

Exactly. Also divorced. People don’t get the ramifications.