My good friend’s husband is cheating do I tell her??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know for certain. And I’m 99 percent certain she does not know. It’s really eating at me, she is a very close friend.

Can you ask her hypothetically speaking, if your spouse was cheating would you want to know? I feel like my friends and I have had this conversation, maybe even related to hearing something on the radio or reading on a message board. If she says no, why do ask, make it vague that you had read something that made you think what you would do etc. If yes, figure out how to say something.

Ooh this is a good idea. I'm an NP. I would NOT want to know, but clearly people are split and feel passionately both ways, so it'd be great if you could feel her out. Could you tell her about "finding this awesome relationship forum online" and discuss a few examples of threads, including this one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she finds out and finds out YOU knew and didn’t tell her, she’s never going to want to speak to you again. It feels like a DOUBLE betrayal. Anyone who knew and didn’t tell me, or aided in an alibi are dead to me.

+1 Part of the shame in betrayal is feeling absolute embarrassment that all of these other people knew while it was going on and you were clueless. It’s the worst feeling.

Yeah. That’s exactly why you keep your mouth shut. Forever.

I can understand the argument for telling her. I disagree with it, but there’s like a reasonable view there that people can disagree on.

However, so many of you are just very obviously getting horny and foaming at the mouth about the notion of creating some Big Drama. It’s gross.

+1. Drama llamas. OP, MYOB. Do not tell her.

So many cheaters here, lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m appalled by some of the answers on this thread. What kind of crappy friendships do y’all have?

If you are truly my friend, tell me - with as much evidence as you have. Be factual. Don’t tell me what to do; just say you know this is a really difficult situation and you will support me and help me whatever I decide to do but that you thought as my friend, you owed it to me to tell me and that you’d want me to do the same.

If I knew a friend knew something like this and didn’t tell me, I’d feel doubly heartbroken and betrayed.

+1

+2. The “don’t tell” POV has always stumped me as applied to good friends. Where I have landed is that it’s really not a disagreement about telling or not, fundamentally it is a difference around what is a “friend” and how they should be treated. I think we would mostly agree that MYOB makes sense as to strangers or casual acquaintances (recognizing that there are some “always tell” radicals out there). Unless you know that your friend would not want to know, knowing about an affair and not warning your friend makes you complicit in the betrayal, and in some ways is arguably even worse. Everyone knows that your partner cheating is a normal risk of marriage, people get tempted or selfish or whatever, but when one of your “ride or die” friends starts playing for the other team? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. I had a very close friend of 22 years whose husband was cheating on her. I waited until I had solid proof (invited her to a house party that I knew he would attend with another woman while he told her he was at work). She was very upset at me and totally cut me off. As far as I know they’re still together.

Wait -- I'm not entirely clear; you invited the DH to a party, knew he would bring the other woman, and then invited your friend/the DW to the same party? So she would see him there with OW and know he'd lied about working at the same time?

When I first read it I thought you meant you invited him to a party to see if he'd bring OW and confirm your suspicions. But am I right that you invited his DW as well? Engineering a face-to-face meeting between her and DH with his OW by his side? Did your friend, the DW, know that she was going to this party because you'd done it to set him up and prove to her that he was cheating, or did she not know and she turned up for a party jnaware she'd be confronted by this with no warning?

Because if she didn't know she was coming to your party in order to out her DH -- WOW, you blindsided her. I would understand her cutting you off in anger at blindsiding her, rather than telling her. Am I just misreading the whole party scenario? I hope so. The fact they're still together is irrelevant to the situation with you as her friend getting cut off, I think.

No. I was invited to a party and I knew friend’s husband was invited to. He told her he would work to very late that day. I knew he would be there. I invited my friend since her DH “was working late”. We were already there when we both saw him arriving to the party arms around the other woman. My friend was mad at me. It not DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she finds out and finds out YOU knew and didn’t tell her, she’s never going to want to speak to you again. It feels like a DOUBLE betrayal. Anyone who knew and didn’t tell me, or aided in an alibi are dead to me.

+1 Part of the shame in betrayal is feeling absolute embarrassment that all of these other people knew while it was going on and you were clueless. It’s the worst feeling.

Yeah. That’s exactly why you keep your mouth shut. Forever.

I can understand the argument for telling her. I disagree with it, but there’s like a reasonable view there that people can disagree on.

However, so many of you are just very obviously getting horny and foaming at the mouth about the notion of creating some Big Drama. It’s gross.

+1. Drama llamas. OP, MYOB. Do not tell her.

So many cheaters here, lol

No, logical people who understand what a bad position telling a friend this would be.

[Anonymous]

I would tell. To me, that’s being a good friend. I would hate to learn later that my friend new all along and didn’t speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m appalled by some of the answers on this thread. What kind of crappy friendships do y’all have?

If you are truly my friend, tell me - with as much evidence as you have. Be factual. Don’t tell me what to do; just say you know this is a really difficult situation and you will support me and help me whatever I decide to do but that you thought as my friend, you owed it to me to tell me and that you’d want me to do the same.

If I knew a friend knew something like this and didn’t tell me, I’d feel doubly heartbroken and betrayed.

+1

+2. The “don’t tell” POV has always stumped me as applied to good friends. Where I have landed is that it’s really not a disagreement about telling or not, fundamentally it is a difference around what is a “friend” and how they should be treated. I think we would mostly agree that MYOB makes sense as to strangers or casual acquaintances (recognizing that there are some “always tell” radicals out there). Unless you know that your friend would not want to know, knowing about an affair and not warning your friend makes you complicit in the betrayal, and in some ways is arguably even worse. Everyone knows that your partner cheating is a normal risk of marriage, people get tempted or selfish or whatever, but when one of your “ride or die” friends starts playing for the other team? Wow.

100% ^this. Op said it’s a “very” good friend. I cannot imagine keeping this from Mr best friend of over 40 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know for certain. And I’m 99 percent certain she does not know. It’s really eating at me, she is a very close friend.

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

The change does not happen unless caught and forced to see the carnage from their actions.

Studies show when there is an affair, the marriages where it isn’t discovered are much more likely to get divorced than those where it was confessed or discovered. It was a large percentage difference- where after 5 years 65-70% of those that found out were still married and it was the opposite for those where the affair was hidden.

I can completely understand that as I’m a secret affair they turn away from the marriage and only find faults with everything at home. They plan their “out”. When an affair is revealed it’s a big come to Jesus moment for many cheaters. It forces change and often huge remorse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. I had a very close friend of 22 years whose husband was cheating on her. I waited until I had solid proof (invited her to a house party that I knew he would attend with another woman while he told her he was at work). She was very upset at me and totally cut me off. As far as I know they’re still together.

Wait -- I'm not entirely clear; you invited the DH to a party, knew he would bring the other woman, and then invited your friend/the DW to the same party? So she would see him there with OW and know he'd lied about working at the same time?

When I first read it I thought you meant you invited him to a party to see if he'd bring OW and confirm your suspicions. But am I right that you invited his DW as well? Engineering a face-to-face meeting between her and DH with his OW by his side? Did your friend, the DW, know that she was going to this party because you'd done it to set him up and prove to her that he was cheating, or did she not know and she turned up for a party jnaware she'd be confronted by this with no warning?

Because if she didn't know she was coming to your party in order to out her DH -- WOW, you blindsided her. I would understand her cutting you off in anger at blindsiding her, rather than telling her. Am I just misreading the whole party scenario? I hope so. The fact they're still together is irrelevant to the situation with you as her friend getting cut off, I think.

No. I was invited to a party and I knew friend’s husband was invited to. He told her he would work to very late that day. I knew he would be there. I invited my friend since her DH “was working late”. We were already there when we both saw him arriving to the party arms around the other woman. My friend was mad at me. It not DH.

If you don't see how the scenario you describe here was still a way of blindsiding her, then you're not paying attention. You knew he'd be there and you also knew he'd told her he was working late? How did you get all this inside intel on his comings and goings and what he told his wife--?

I'm in the "tell a DW that her DH is cheating" camp for sure, but I also think your technique here was what lost you your friend.

In a public setting, among a crowd of people who surely knew both her and her DH, you knowingly put her into the situation of facing her DH with "arms around another woman." It was very effective at outing his cheating and lies, for sure. But wow, you surely embarrassed her for life. And you don't seem to get that.