Reply to Friend asked to join book club

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.[/quote]

[quote]Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends?  No she wasn't rude for asking.[/quote]

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that. [/quote]

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.[/quote]

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

[/quote]

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join.  And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself.   She lacks basic social skills.[/quote]

+1. OP, since your "book club" is really just a social gathering of your college friends, tell the new person that you aren't taking new "members".[/quote]

+2  And learn some manners and stop talking about "exclusive" activities to others where you don't intend to include them.

https://www.oregonlive.com/advice/2022/01/ask-amy-isnt-it-rude-to-talk-about-parties-in-front-of-people-who-are-not-invited.html
Ask Amy: Isn’t it rude to talk about parties in front of people who are not invited?

I agree that it is rude to discuss a private gathering in front of someone who has not been invited. I think this is a basic rule most of us learned in elementary school, and yet seem to forget later in life.
[/quote]

That’s a reasonable rule to apply when the person is talking about an event to which the other person might have had some degree of expectation of being welcome to/included in.  You don’t tell the mom of one of your kid’s classmates that you went out to dinner with a half dozen other moms from the class because that would feel exclusionary.  But you’re really saying you wouldn’t mention to a friend that you’re going to your Aunt Gertrude’s retirement party because your friend might be hurt not to have been included in a party for someone they’re never even met and have no connection to?[/quote]

So my friend who is an attorney isn’t allowed to talk about industry conferences or meetings I’m not invited to because I’m in an entirely different profession? And I’m not allowed to talk to her about the conferences or work-social events I attend? Or my cousin isn’t allowed to tell me about her sorority reunion? My Jewish friends are not allowed to tell me about events and experiences and celebrations in their synagogue community? -np[/quote]

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