Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I get it. I am in a book club that's been together for twenty years. This issue is that we don't just discuss books; we've been together for so long that our discussions are often quite personal (marriage, issues with kids, etc.). For the first 2-3 years, people did come into the group and some left, but the current group has been in place for at least 16 years. Introducing a new person to that dynamic would be very awkward.

I would ask your friends if people are open to new members generally. If this response is no, ask if your neighbor would be interested in forming a book club with other neighbors. I belong to a different group with neighbors in addition to the group mentioned above. That group is much more open and changes as people move into or out of the neighborhood.

I think these aren’t as much as book clubs but support groups. I get it. I would be conflicted as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

You are a terrible friend. If you said no to me I would know how your truly felt about our relationship and I would let it die. But sounds like that is what you want.

Are you crazy? If you are my friend you have to belong to everything I do? You are nuts.

I am not nuts but, if we had a good relationship and op admitted she liked me and then said I couldn't join the book club that probably only meets once a month that would hurt my feelings. Sorry I am not a robot that you are. That does not mean I want to join everything you do. And you really shouldn't throw word like "crazy" or "nuts" because it is very shaming of people who do have mental issues. This is why we have a mental crisis because people like you put a stigma on it.

DP. OP isn’t the only one in the group, and it would be very rude for her to unilaterally invite someone new to the group (especially if it’s at someone else’s house) without the rest of the group being okay with it. If the new friend ditches OP just because the group said no to new members, that tends to suggest this woman doesn’t view OP as a friend so much as a tool for getting in with other people.

[Anonymous]

Tell the lady that you have to ask the other members if it's ok for a new member to join, OP. Be honest. Honesty is so hard for people these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

I know several women like this. Absolutely never reciprocate, but get hurt feelings when they aren’t included. One even tried inviting herself to my vacation home for a weekend.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

Ah, yes, the old “you should invite me even though I’m never going to reciprocate.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

This.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a minority here, but I kind of feel like she is in the wrong. I know how book clubs are and I would never ask someone if I can come. I might ask "is you book club accepting new member?" but never would I ask if I can come to someone's book club meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the lady that you have to ask the other members if it's ok for a new member to join, OP. Be honest. Honesty is so hard for people these days.

+1 I think it’s really forward of someone to ask to join.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a minority here, but I kind of feel like she is in the wrong. I know how book clubs are and I would never ask someone if I can come. I might ask "is you book club accepting new member?" but never would I ask if I can come to someone's book club meeting.

+1

[Anonymous]

I can see someone accidentally referencing an event they did not intend to. I find it harder to believe someone might accidentally ask, point blank, if they can come to an event to which they were not invited.

Maybe that happens to some of you, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a minority here, but I kind of feel like she is in the wrong. I know how book clubs are and I would never ask someone if I can come. I might ask "is you book club accepting new member?" but never would I ask if I can come to someone's book club meeting.

No, you’re right. This is just basic social awareness.

[Anonymous]

How is this even a question?? Say YES YES YES!!! You are not in HS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a minority here, but I kind of feel like she is in the wrong. I know how book clubs are and I would never ask someone if I can come. I might ask "is you book club accepting new member?" but never would I ask if I can come to someone's book club meeting.

No, you’re right. This is just basic social awareness.

I agree. And I don’t see why which have to keep it a secret.