Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had a long talk this morning and we have decided to put our engagement on hold and go to couples therapy. I worry that couples therapy this early into a relationship is not a good sign, but I do love her and I’m willing I try to work past our differences. I explained my situation and how she had done a 180 and how that is concerning to me. She said she didn’t think it was a big issue but can now see it from my side. She loves me and wants to marry and wants to put in the effort to see if we can resolve these issues.

As for being cheap, I’m not. Some may think I am because I lived on $40k/year for many years, but that was just to build up my wealth so I can afford things like a nice home, wedding, and kids. My parents did the same. We live together and I no longer live on $40k/year, but I’m still frugal so I can save. I stroll enjoy life - nice clothes bought on major holidays, nice car I paid off, once a year vacations, etc., that are outside of the $40k/year because they are not as frequent. I bought my gf a $20k ring and will be buying a $1-1.5m house. I’m willing to live far beyond the $40k I’m used to living on because I know I can with the savings. I’m 35 and have no debt and a savings of about $2m. I know a family will require a larger budget and I’m willing to expand it, but it’s nice to know my wife and I and my future kids will have a safety net to rely on.

This is a very promising direction, OP. Couples therapy is a great idea prior to marriage - make sure you are on the same page on lots of things, not just money. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had a long talk this morning and we have decided to put our engagement on hold and go to couples therapy. I worry that couples therapy this early into a relationship is not a good sign, but I do love her and I’m willing I try to work past our differences. I explained my situation and how she had done a 180 and how that is concerning to me. She said she didn’t think it was a big issue but can now see it from my side. She loves me and wants to marry and wants to put in the effort to see if we can resolve these issues.

As for being cheap, I’m not. Some may think I am because I lived on $40k/year for many years, but that was just to build up my wealth so I can afford things like a nice home, wedding, and kids. My parents did the same. We live together and I no longer live on $40k/year, but I’m still frugal so I can save. I stroll enjoy life - nice clothes bought on major holidays, nice car I paid off, once a year vacations, etc., that are outside of the $40k/year because they are not as frequent. I bought my gf a $20k ring and will be buying a $1-1.5m house. I’m willing to live far beyond the $40k I’m used to living on because I know I can with the savings. I’m 35 and have no debt and a savings of about $2m. I know a family will require a larger budget and I’m willing to expand it, but it’s nice to know my wife and I and my future kids will have a safety net to rely on.

This is a very promising direction, OP. Couples therapy is a great idea prior to marriage - make sure you are on the same page on lots of things, not just money. Good luck.

And I kept reading, and it seems everything went to hell. I'm sorry OP. She has shown you who she is, and you should believe her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: We broke up. She decided to dump me because she said she is having second thoughts about what kind of man I am and doesn’t feel it’s right for her. She wants to take a break and have some time to think about what she really wants in life. I’m upset because we just said we would work things out, but my family/friends told me it’s for the better and to not get back together. Apparently they didn’t like her but kept their mouth shut because I loved her and was so into her. My mom said she could tell she never liked her and didn’t think she was right for me.

Then this is the best thing that could have happened. I am sorry if the break up hurts, but I believe this is for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you love about her?

OP here. I love the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel comfortable around her and important. Before her doing the 180, she was very appreciative of everything I did for her, and wya acknowledged it. The gesture goes a long way and it was nice to be appreciated because there have been times I would pay for dinner without so much as an offer to spilt the check ( wouldn’t have but the gesture is important) or a simple thank you. The sex was amazing and she loved it multiple times a day. She was caring and affectionate. Very spontaneous and adventurous. There was never a dull moment or moments where I felt awkward or uncomfortable around her. I never felt a weird feeling during post but clarity. In fact, I felt intense love for her after. I loved her femininity, shared interests, her passion for her job, etc. So many things I can’t put down on here.

you mean the job she is desperate to give up to pop out your babies and stay at home?

OP here. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with this. My mom quit her job to raise me and my brother. My SIL quit her job to raise her kids. Several friends wives quit their job or started working PT once they had kids. I don’t see anything wrong with a woman wanting to stay home to raise kids.

the point was this aspect of her you said you love is something she's happy to give up in a second, so her passion for her work isn't all that ingrained. it's fine for one spouse to quit their career to raise kids if the couple agree to it. Anyway, it's clear you're trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to justify to yourself marrying this woman. good luck, man. you'll need it.

OP here. I had an issue with her wanting all these expensive things and an expensive lifestyle while she quits to stay home. I was not happy with that situation, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who wants to stay home and raise kids.

I’m a sahm with an expensive lifestyle. I always liked nice things but I paid for them myself before I got married and had kids.

I’m often resentful that Dh gets to Focus on his career while I’m home with the kids. I’m sure he wishes he had a wife who was content being home raising the kids.

Why not just go back to work? Work PT and have the best of not worlds. You can’t resent him if it was your child you quit your job.

Part time is the worst of all worlds. You get paid a ton less and end up doing almost full-time work and then everything you make goes out the door for childcare. Full time or stay home. PT sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My point was that every couple has differences in opinion about some spending or priorities whether it is house or vacations or whatever.

I know for me 1 vacation per year would be a dealbreaker. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for OP that his future wife wanted to be a SAHM.

You can’t base relationship decisions on number of vacations per year.

I have been married for 15 years. We go on 10 vacations per year - some small and some large. Dh doesn’t join us for all of them. He probably goes on 3-4 weeklong and then a handful of long weekends with us.

I once dated a guy who didn’t like to travel. He didn’t enjoy it and that was a dealbreaker for me. You can’t tell another person what is a dealbreaker for them.

You’re beyond tone deaf. You’re beyond privileged. Most families can’t afford 10 vacations a year or even have the ability to the time to go on one. Your advice is entitled and privileged and not realistic for most people.

I’m glad you chose a guy to love based on how many times you go on vacation a year. Most people care about real things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: We broke up. She decided to dump me because she said she is having second thoughts about what kind of man I am and doesn’t feel it’s right for her. She wants to take a break and have some time to think about what she really wants in life. I’m upset because we just said we would work things out, but my family/friends told me it’s for the better and to not get back together. Apparently they didn’t like her but kept their mouth shut because I loved her and was so into her. My mom said she could tell she never liked her and didn’t think she was right for me.

This feels extremely trollish.

OP here. You can believe whatever you want but it’s not. We sat down Sunday ( yesterday) morning and had this long conservation and decided we needed to go to couples therapy to work things out and get on a better page. She seemed happy and into it but then her attitude changed throughout the day. Last night she said she talked it over with a friend and that she decided we need to take a break. She felt I was disrespectful by asking her to go to couples therapy and talk through issues when there is nothing wrong. She loves me but she’s no longer sure I’m the right fit if I’m not willing to give her the things she wants. She told me she needed a break and will contact me throughout the week to check in while she decides what is the best for her.

I was very upset because I do love her and I do want to marry her. I’ve never felt this way about a woman and I really thought her agreeing to go to therapy was a good sign. I figured I may have misjudged things and maybe the red flags are something we can work through. I talked to my mom and she told me they never liked her and felt she wasn’t right for me. She doesn’t think I should get back together with her. I went to lunch today with friends and they all voiced how they thought I was choosing the wrong person to marry but they wanted to support me because they could tell I loved her. Two of my friends wives came and they told me that she is hoping I will change my mind on these things and will need to take a break until I agree to give her what she wants. They told me to not get back together with her. As much as it hurts and sucks, it will only get worse once we’re married, and I deserve who doesn’t see me as their bank account to fund a lifestyle.

I’m going to give it some time to think but I’m considering ending it for good if everyone on here and everyone in my personal life is telling me she’s not the right fit for me.

Make a clean break and move on. Don’t get involved in playing games with her.

[Anonymous]

She is off to go get pregnant now and claim it is yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My point was that every couple has differences in opinion about some spending or priorities whether it is house or vacations or whatever.

I know for me 1 vacation per year would be a dealbreaker. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for OP that his future wife wanted to be a SAHM.

You can’t base relationship decisions on number of vacations per year.

I have been married for 15 years. We go on 10 vacations per year - some small and some large. Dh doesn’t join us for all of them. He probably goes on 3-4 weeklong and then a handful of long weekends with us.

I once dated a guy who didn’t like to travel. He didn’t enjoy it and that was a dealbreaker for me. You can’t tell another person what is a dealbreaker for them.

You’re beyond tone deaf. You’re beyond privileged. Most families can’t afford 10 vacations a year or even have the ability to the time to go on one. Your advice is entitled and privileged and not realistic for most people.

I’m glad you chose a guy to love based on how many times you go on vacation a year. Most people care about real things.

We grew into our lifestyle. When I was in my 20s, travel was a high priority for me and a passion for me. I made more than Dh when we got married. I understand that travel is not a priority for all but it was for me.

If I was dating Dh and told him I wanted him to support me and I didn’t want to work and travel all the time with our kids, I am sure he probably would have been turned off. I vaguely remember saying or at least daydreaming that I wanted to take my future kids to travel around the world so they could experience culture and history.

[Anonymous]

There are many different kinds of couples, relationships and marriages. I have some friends whose husbands paid for everything from day 1 and happily married. Other couples have separate finances and pay one another back for everything. Many, If not all couples, have different priorities with money. There is almost always one saver and one spender and they have to find a common ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My point was that every couple has differences in opinion about some spending or priorities whether it is house or vacations or whatever.

I know for me 1 vacation per year would be a dealbreaker. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for OP that his future wife wanted to be a SAHM.

You can’t base relationship decisions on number of vacations per year.

I have been married for 15 years. We go on 10 vacations per year - some small and some large. Dh doesn’t join us for all of them. He probably goes on 3-4 weeklong and then a handful of long weekends with us.

I once dated a guy who didn’t like to travel. He didn’t enjoy it and that was a dealbreaker for me. You can’t tell another person what is a dealbreaker for them.

You’re beyond tone deaf. You’re beyond privileged. Most families can’t afford 10 vacations a year or even have the ability to the time to go on one. Your advice is entitled and privileged and not realistic for most people.

I’m glad you chose a guy to love based on how many times you go on vacation a year. Most people care about real things.

+1

Poster should get a job and do something productive for society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good that you’re going to a therapy but I believe your fiancé will say what you want to hear in therapy. At this point she’s on alert and won’t want to lose the generous guy with $2M in the bank and gives 1.5 caret rings. I can’t get past her snarkiness about the friends ring size and more importantly how she judged the ring that you gave her. She has shown you that deep down she’s not a good person. And that is someone you should not want to spend your life with and be the mother of your children. I don’t think any amount of therapy would convince me because on a basic human level she’s trash.

+1 you're rich compared to her income, she's 30 and wants to have babies soon. She'll say whatever is needed. She's already shown you her real self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good that you’re going to a therapy but I believe your fiancé will say what you want to hear in therapy. At this point she’s on alert and won’t want to lose the generous guy with $2M in the bank and gives 1.5 caret rings. I can’t get past her snarkiness about the friends ring size and more importantly how she judged the ring that you gave her. She has shown you that deep down she’s not a good person. And that is someone you should not want to spend your life with and be the mother of your children. I don’t think any amount of therapy would convince me because on a basic human level she’s trash.

+1 you're rich compared to her income, she's 30 and wants to have babies soon. She'll say whatever is needed. She's already shown you her real self.

Nm I posted before reading to the end. Sorry OP you did everything you could with offering to try counseling. At least you found out now. You sound like a catch and it will get better.

[Anonymous]

I think the most important thing is to not take the advice of this forum seriously! We don’t know you or her.

I doubt she’s totally done unless you want it to be over. IMO you should go talk to a therapist by yourself. It helps to get unbiased feedback from someone- everyone brings their own baggage into things.
It’s your life. I don’t think wanting a certain lifestyle is awful but I think you both need to be realistic about what you can and can’t do financially. It sounds like you’ve got a nice savings OP but your ongoing income is important if you both want her to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the most important thing is to not take the advice of this forum seriously! We don’t know you or her.

I doubt she’s totally done unless you want it to be over. IMO you should go talk to a therapist by yourself. It helps to get unbiased feedback from someone- everyone brings their own baggage into things.
It’s your life. I don’t think wanting a certain lifestyle is awful but I think you both need to be realistic about what you can and can’t do financially. It sounds like you’ve got a nice savings OP but your ongoing income is important if you both want her to SAH.

It’s not just the people on DCUM saying he dodged a bullet; it’s his friends and family.

And baggage? She decided over the course of a day that asking for couples therapy was disrespectful. Pretty sure she is just manipulative at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My point was that every couple has differences in opinion about some spending or priorities whether it is house or vacations or whatever.

I know for me 1 vacation per year would be a dealbreaker. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for OP that his future wife wanted to be a SAHM.

You can’t base relationship decisions on number of vacations per year.

I have been married for 15 years. We go on 10 vacations per year - some small and some large. Dh doesn’t join us for all of them. He probably goes on 3-4 weeklong and then a handful of long weekends with us.

I once dated a guy who didn’t like to travel. He didn’t enjoy it and that was a dealbreaker for me. You can’t tell another person what is a dealbreaker for them.

You’re beyond tone deaf. You’re beyond privileged. Most families can’t afford 10 vacations a year or even have the ability to the time to go on one. Your advice is entitled and privileged and not realistic for most people.

I’m glad you chose a guy to love based on how many times you go on vacation a year. Most people care about real things.

+1

Poster should get a job and do something productive for society.

I don’t know OP or OP’s ex. I don’t know if OP dodged a bullet or if he lost the love of his life over a miscommunication.

I have a young daughter. I have no idea what she will be like at age 30 but what OP’s ex wants doesn’t seem unreasonable to me. We could easily pay for the wedding and the entire $2m house for them though. I don’t know the family financial situation of OP’s ex or if that even matters.

Many couples do disagree about money. Thankfully Dh and I have always been on the same page and his income or my income was always shared and our money. It may have been easier for us since both of us didn’t have money. I’m not sure how he would have been if I met him when he was already earning a seven figure income. He has always been overly generous with me. I am not very materialistic. I do love to travel. I’m glad we were able to travel a lot before we were married and had kids and now with our family.