Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue
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Anonymous
Five serious relationships but never married? Big red flag right there. |
Anonymous
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All we have is OP’s claim that his ex changed her tune on the house. For all we know, she was upfront all along about what she wanted but he didn’t want to hear it because it was more fun to focus on when he’d get to have sex again. If that’s the case, no wonder she feels angry and manipulated that OP proposed and then pulled the rug out from under her.
OP, whatever happens with your ex, I would strongly recommend counseling for you. Even if everything you told us was completely true, you spent over a year with this woman, and even proposed to her, while completely blind to things that supposedly were glaringly obvious to everyone else around you. That suggests you are lacking a certain maturity and self-awareness when it comes to relationships. If you want to have a happy marriage, that’s something to address before you meet the next potential wife. |
Anonymous
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Op is a well off guy. Does he want his wife to work and have a nanny? Or send your baby to daycare?
Most people want more than they can afford. You could very easily have said the house budget is $1.5m. |
Anonymous
really?  JFC
and if he had 2 or 3 that would be a red flag too b/c it says he wasn't experienced enough. |
Anonymous
you should be just as skeptical when a woman comes here to post/rant/complain about her BF/SO/DH. But that means you can't be a blind champion of everything women claim, and that doesn't fit your MO, right? |
Anonymous
Sorry to burst your bubble, but yes, I always recognize that what an OP posts is usually going to be the most favorable version to them, and that there is likely another side that is less favorable, regardless of gender. Unlike you, I am not blinded by rage toward an entire gender. |
Anonymous
OP is 35. He had 5 serious relationships. I am sure he could have married one of them. By the time Dh was 35, we were married with 2 kids. I was dh’s second serious relationship. Of course he dated and had girlfriends but I don’t think he considered them serious. |
Anonymous
Not PP but she never said she wanted someone who could go on 10 vacations a year she said she didn't want someone who didn't want to travel AT ALL. But of course reading the what was written wouldn't allow you to be an asshole to pp. |
Anonymous
No, 2 or 3 serious relationships would be reasonable. OP has five relationships where he thought they were compatible enough to become serious but later discovered he was wrong about that. That suggests either something is wrong in his ability to understand people and screen for compatibility in the first place, or commitment issues where he finds a reason to bail on the relationship just short of marriage. |
Anonymous
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It is hard to say what kind of woman OP’s ex is. If she is a pretty, kind, smart girl with a good personality from a good family, she should have a lot of options. Her want to live in a nice home and raise kids really isn’t unreasonable. Many or most women want that. Of course not all women want to stay home with their babies. I never in a million years thought I would want to stay home with a baby. I used to cry at work missing my baby.
Requiring counseling before getting married is a bad sign. Seems odd for OP to suggest it. Maybe he has been through counseling previously. What do you need the counseling for exactly? For the fiancé to understand that you don’t want to spend your hard earned money on a house and her ring? You don’t need counseling for that. Where do you live now? If you are 35, you probably already have a place? |
Anonymous
OP has already said he lives in a place his parents own, and pays them nominal rent. I suspect that having his parents’ financial support has given OP a very skewed idea of what life actually costs. |
Anonymous
OP sounds very calculating. I know there are people like this. I have a few friends who have to report to their husbands every line item on their credit card bill or SAHMs who get budgeted a monthly allowance and then have to figure out if certain expenses are a family expense or have to come out of the monthly allowance. I could never live like that. I have a friend who is beautiful and lovely. She was married to a guy who enjoyed a lavish lifestyle but didn’t quite make enough. When they bought a home and my friend stopped working, they fought about money constantly whether he disapproved of my friend’s too expensive baby shower gift or their Whole Foods bill. |
Anonymous
| Well looks like this sorted itself. Rather than fake it through counseling to get her clutches into your $2 million, she left you and your money. Perhaps not so greedy and money hungry after all |
Anonymous
At the end of the day, OP and his ex are not on the same page. I would be hurt and sad if my fiancé wanted to call off the engagement. I probably would not understand the ring comment or the house. When Dh proposed to me, the diamond was small. I didn’t like my ring at all. I guess the difference was that I didn’t say anything and we got married. I remember my divorced friend once told me that she knew she shouldn’t have married her ex when he proposed with a crappy ring he bought at the mall. I know she just said it out of hurt but there is some truth to it. I think the fiancé was just too honest. I don’t think her feelings are unique. Wanting a nice ring, a nice house and wanting to stay home with the kids is a want many women have. Execution of how to get this will vary. I remember when I had my first baby, some old grandmothers congratulationed me and made it seem like I sealed the deal. As if just being married wasn’t serious enough. |
Anonymous
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OP, you are a big part of the problem here. Let's go through what you posted about your relationship.
In your original post, you say that you two had only "some small talks" about issues like how much to spend on a house and when/whether she would stop working to be a SAHP, and then stated that she went back on the decisions you supposedly made during these "small talks." In your next post, "some small talks" suddenly became "many long talks." In 20 minutes, you had already rewritten the history of your relationship on these issues to better fit your narrative. On the housing issue, you have a gap in your preferred budget based on what you're looking for in a house. Did you two even talk about why you have different preferences and whether there is a compromise point? On thing you mentioned was number of bedrooms. Let's say you plan to have two kids, right there you need three bedrooms unless you're planning to have kids share (which may or may not work out beyond the first couple of years). If your families aren't local she may also want a guest bedroom so your families (and friends) feels welcome to visit. So right there you're up to 4 bedrooms minimum. If she also thinks there should be a home office because working from home during the pandemic has made clear to her that working from the dining room table isn't a great option (which is not unreasonable if you can afford it), then you're up to 5 bedrooms. An open conversation about the reasons behind each of your housing preferences, and a willingness on both of your parts to compromise, might have resolved the issue without major conflict. Rather than trying to talk through these issues in a meaningful way like adults, in only a few short weeks you jumped to questioning the relationship, wanting to put the engagement on hold, and suggesting counseling to convince her she is wrong in her preferences. Her initial response was to go along with what you wanted to try to work things out. Then once she had a few hours to really think it through on her own, she realized she's not sure she wants to spend her life with someone who is feeling ambivalent about marrying her and talking about ending the relationship only a few weeks after getting engaged over some differences of opinion that probably could have been worked out with some open discussion and willingness to compromise. Of course she's rethinking whether this relationship is right for her or not. But rather than give her a little space to process the bomb you dropped on her, your impulse was to demand the ring back, which meant you were effectively ending the relationship right then. At every step, you have thrown all the blame for this situation on your ex without ever examining your own role in how things went down. I mean really, in your post about how you share finances, you completely dismissed the fact that she still had to pay rent on her old apartment after you moved in together, in addition to buying groceries for both of you and "stuff for the house," which are all significant expenses for her cover as part of moving in together that you blow off as insignificant because it doesn't fit your victim narrative. You claim you love her and want to marry her, but you are the one freaked out and ended the relationship right after getting engaged. The lack of self-awareness is astounding. And really, I question how much you actually loved her, as opposed to how she made you feel about yourself. For someone who is insecure and lacking self-esteem, having someone else love you and see you as valuable can be a very heady thing. But a marriage cannot be based on her making you feel better about yourself. It also has to be about you valuing her for who she is as her own person, and valuing her happiness and well-being as much as your own. You don't sounds ready to put a partner's needs and preferences on the same level as your own, which means you're not ready for marriage. Ultimately none of us have any clue what kind of person she is, because all we have is your self-serving narrative. But what is clear from your posts is that, no matter what kind of person she is, this relationship was never going to work out in the long run because you are not mentally and emotionally prepared for marriage, and have a lot of work to do on yourself before you will be. |