Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you love about her?

OP here. I love the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel comfortable around her and important. Before her doing the 180, she was very appreciative of everything I did for her, and wya acknowledged it. The gesture goes a long way and it was nice to be appreciated because there have been times I would pay for dinner without so much as an offer to spilt the check ( wouldn’t have but the gesture is important) or a simple thank you. The sex was amazing and she loved it multiple times a day. She was caring and affectionate. Very spontaneous and adventurous. There was never a dull moment or moments where I felt awkward or uncomfortable around her. I never felt a weird feeling during post but clarity. In fact, I felt intense love for her after. I loved her femininity, shared interests, her passion for her job, etc. So many things I can’t put down on here.

you mean the job she is desperate to give up to pop out your babies and stay at home?

OP here. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with this. My mom quit her job to raise me and my brother. My SIL quit her job to raise her kids. Several friends wives quit their job or started working PT once they had kids. I don’t see anything wrong with a woman wanting to stay home to raise kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this your first serious relationship?

OP here. No. I’ve had 4 other serious relationships and and several casual relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you love about her?

OP here. I love the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel comfortable around her and important. Before her doing the 180, she was very appreciative of everything I did for her, and wya acknowledged it. The gesture goes a long way and it was nice to be appreciated because there have been times I would pay for dinner without so much as an offer to spilt the check ( wouldn’t have but the gesture is important) or a simple thank you. The sex was amazing and she loved it multiple times a day. She was caring and affectionate. Very spontaneous and adventurous. There was never a dull moment or moments where I felt awkward or uncomfortable around her. I never felt a weird feeling during post but clarity. In fact, I felt intense love for her after. I loved her femininity, shared interests, her passion for her job, etc. So many things I can’t put down on here.

you mean the job she is desperate to give up to pop out your babies and stay at home?

OP here. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with this. My mom quit her job to raise me and my brother. My SIL quit her job to raise her kids. Several friends wives quit their job or started working PT once they had kids. I don’t see anything wrong with a woman wanting to stay home to raise kids.

the point was this aspect of her you said you love is something she's happy to give up in a second, so her passion for her work isn't all that ingrained. it's fine for one spouse to quit their career to raise kids if the couple agree to it. Anyway, it's clear you're trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to justify to yourself marrying this woman. good luck, man. you'll need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you love about her?

OP here. I love the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel comfortable around her and important. Before her doing the 180, she was very appreciative of everything I did for her, and wya acknowledged it. The gesture goes a long way and it was nice to be appreciated because there have been times I would pay for dinner without so much as an offer to spilt the check ( wouldn’t have but the gesture is important) or a simple thank you. The sex was amazing and she loved it multiple times a day. She was caring and affectionate. Very spontaneous and adventurous. There was never a dull moment or moments where I felt awkward or uncomfortable around her. I never felt a weird feeling during post but clarity. In fact, I felt intense love for her after. I loved her femininity, shared interests, her passion for her job, etc. So many things I can’t put down on here.

you mean the job she is desperate to give up to pop out your babies and stay at home?

OP here. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with this. My mom quit her job to raise me and my brother. My SIL quit her job to raise her kids. Several friends wives quit their job or started working PT once they had kids. I don’t see anything wrong with a woman wanting to stay home to raise kids.

the point was this aspect of her you said you love is something she's happy to give up in a second, so her passion for her work isn't all that ingrained. it's fine for one spouse to quit their career to raise kids if the couple agree to it. Anyway, it's clear you're trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to justify to yourself marrying this woman. good luck, man. you'll need it.

OP here. I had an issue with her wanting all these expensive things and an expensive lifestyle while she quits to stay home. I was not happy with that situation, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who wants to stay home and raise kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you love about her?

OP here. I love the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel comfortable around her and important. Before her doing the 180, she was very appreciative of everything I did for her, and wya acknowledged it. The gesture goes a long way and it was nice to be appreciated because there have been times I would pay for dinner without so much as an offer to spilt the check ( wouldn’t have but the gesture is important) or a simple thank you. The sex was amazing and she loved it multiple times a day. She was caring and affectionate. Very spontaneous and adventurous. There was never a dull moment or moments where I felt awkward or uncomfortable around her. I never felt a weird feeling during post but clarity. In fact, I felt intense love for her after. I loved her femininity, shared interests, her passion for her job, etc. So many things I can’t put down on here.

you mean the job she is desperate to give up to pop out your babies and stay at home?

OP here. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with this. My mom quit her job to raise me and my brother. My SIL quit her job to raise her kids. Several friends wives quit their job or started working PT once they had kids. I don’t see anything wrong with a woman wanting to stay home to raise kids.

the point was this aspect of her you said you love is something she's happy to give up in a second, so her passion for her work isn't all that ingrained. it's fine for one spouse to quit their career to raise kids if the couple agree to it. Anyway, it's clear you're trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to justify to yourself marrying this woman. good luck, man. you'll need it.

OP here. I had an issue with her wanting all these expensive things and an expensive lifestyle while she quits to stay home. I was not happy with that situation, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who wants to stay home and raise kids.

yep. i hear ya. good luck. it's nice you have a mother who was a stay at home mom as a model. so hopefully her opinion on all this, as she's expressed it thus far, means something to you. now that you're family has made their opinions clear, it will be very difficult to get that genie back in the bottle if you suddenly find your engagement back on. next thing you know, you'll be estranged from your family as your wife dictates who can and can't see your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You save 90% of what you make? You are cheap.

OP here. That’s was bit of exaggeration but I save majority of my money. I live in a paid off condo my parents bought as their vacation home in VA. I make roughly $400k and live on about $40k a year. I have no debt and don’t buy things I don’t need. I pay them a small rent fee, utilities, household necessities, food, and phone bill. I spend roughly 2500-3000k a month. Some months I spend more. I’ve been able to save a ton during the pandemic with everything closed down. I’ve been able to save a large amount of money by living like this.

There's frugal, and there's cheap, and well, I think you're running the risk of being more the latter than the former (and I say this as a wealthy but frugal person). However, none of that matters. What matters is that your fiance and you do not see eye to eye on some pretty major life decisions. You can sit down and talk it out and see if there can be a meeting of the minds, or you can decide this is really not going to work out long-term. Either way requires doing some more difficult, grown-up things. Good luck, OP.

This is good advice. The only way to work this our is through difficult, grown up conversations. IMO, her comments about the ring are inappropriate and hurtful. I would never tell someone that just proposed to me that the ring wasn't good enough. Really poor form. That is a red flag.

The house stuff is tricky. She could be revealing that she's totally bratty, or she could be watch the market and seeing that the kinds of house you were consider before at $1.5m are now far more expensive than $1.5m and she wants the same thing.

The shifting plans on SAHM v working - you spend $3000/month. She might be freaking out and realizing that you are not going to want to spend the same amount you pay now for all monthly expenses on childcare alone, and you will. Infant care can easily cost over $2500/month. She may be figuring that is the only option if you are so cheap. I would go into the conversation neutrally, listen and don't assume the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you love about her?

OP here. I love the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel comfortable around her and important. Before her doing the 180, she was very appreciative of everything I did for her, and wya acknowledged it. The gesture goes a long way and it was nice to be appreciated because there have been times I would pay for dinner without so much as an offer to spilt the check ( wouldn’t have but the gesture is important) or a simple thank you. The sex was amazing and she loved it multiple times a day. She was caring and affectionate. Very spontaneous and adventurous. There was never a dull moment or moments where I felt awkward or uncomfortable around her. I never felt a weird feeling during post but clarity. In fact, I felt intense love for her after. I loved her femininity, shared interests, her passion for her job, etc. So many things I can’t put down on here.

you mean the job she is desperate to give up to pop out your babies and stay at home?

OP here. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with this. My mom quit her job to raise me and my brother. My SIL quit her job to raise her kids. Several friends wives quit their job or started working PT once they had kids. I don’t see anything wrong with a woman wanting to stay home to raise kids.

the point was this aspect of her you said you love is something she's happy to give up in a second, so her passion for her work isn't all that ingrained. it's fine for one spouse to quit their career to raise kids if the couple agree to it. Anyway, it's clear you're trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to justify to yourself marrying this woman. good luck, man. you'll need it.

OP here. I had an issue with her wanting all these expensive things and an expensive lifestyle while she quits to stay home. I was not happy with that situation, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who wants to stay home and raise kids.

I’m a sahm with an expensive lifestyle. I always liked nice things but I paid for them myself before I got married and had kids.

I’m often resentful that Dh gets to Focus on his career while I’m home with the kids. I’m sure he wishes he had a wife who was content being home raising the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You save 90% of what you make? You are cheap.

OP here. That’s was bit of exaggeration but I save majority of my money. I live in a paid off condo my parents bought as their vacation home in VA. I make roughly $400k and live on about $40k a year. I have no debt and don’t buy things I don’t need. I pay them a small rent fee, utilities, household necessities, food, and phone bill. I spend roughly 2500-3000k a month. Some months I spend more. I’ve been able to save a ton during the pandemic with everything closed down. I’ve been able to save a large amount of money by living like this.

There's frugal, and there's cheap, and well, I think you're running the risk of being more the latter than the former (and I say this as a wealthy but frugal person). However, none of that matters. What matters is that your fiance and you do not see eye to eye on some pretty major life decisions. You can sit down and talk it out and see if there can be a meeting of the minds, or you can decide this is really not going to work out long-term. Either way requires doing some more difficult, grown-up things. Good luck, OP.

This is good advice. The only way to work this our is through difficult, grown up conversations. IMO, her comments about the ring are inappropriate and hurtful. I would never tell someone that just proposed to me that the ring wasn't good enough. Really poor form. That is a red flag.

The house stuff is tricky. She could be revealing that she's totally bratty, or she could be watch the market and seeing that the kinds of house you were consider before at $1.5m are now far more expensive than $1.5m and she wants the same thing.

The shifting plans on SAHM v working - you spend $3000/month. She might be freaking out and realizing that you are not going to want to spend the same amount you pay now for all monthly expenses on childcare alone, and you will. Infant care can easily cost over $2500/month. She may be figuring that is the only option if you are so cheap. I would go into the conversation neutrally, listen and don't assume the worst.

I think men are allowed to not want to support their wives staying home.

Lots of families go through this. It just usually happens after they are pregnant or have the baby.

Lots of families also go through difference in opinion of how much house they want. Recently I had an old friend telling me they are looking in our neighborhood. She sent me a link to a $4m house. They live in a modest home now. I thought maybe they won the lottery or something. Friend told me this was her dream home and perfect for their family. They didn’t move. She still works. I don’t work and she sometimes comments how she had my life.

When I had my first, my baby had congenital heart defects and required 2 heart surgeries. I desperately wanted to stay home with him but we simply couldn’t afford it. Eventually we could afford and I stopped working when my second child was almost 4 years old. I got pregnant shortly after and am now home with our 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. My point was that every couple has differences in opinion about some spending or priorities whether it is house or vacations or whatever.

I know for me 1 vacation per year would be a dealbreaker. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for OP that his future wife wanted to be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you love about her?

OP here. I love the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel comfortable around her and important. Before her doing the 180, she was very appreciative of everything I did for her, and wya acknowledged it. The gesture goes a long way and it was nice to be appreciated because there have been times I would pay for dinner without so much as an offer to spilt the check ( wouldn’t have but the gesture is important) or a simple thank you. The sex was amazing and she loved it multiple times a day. She was caring and affectionate. Very spontaneous and adventurous. There was never a dull moment or moments where I felt awkward or uncomfortable around her. I never felt a weird feeling during post but clarity. In fact, I felt intense love for her after. I loved her femininity, shared interests, her passion for her job, etc. So many things I can’t put down on here.

you mean the job she is desperate to give up to pop out your babies and stay at home?

OP here. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with this. My mom quit her job to raise me and my brother. My SIL quit her job to raise her kids. Several friends wives quit their job or started working PT once they had kids. I don’t see anything wrong with a woman wanting to stay home to raise kids.

the point was this aspect of her you said you love is something she's happy to give up in a second, so her passion for her work isn't all that ingrained. it's fine for one spouse to quit their career to raise kids if the couple agree to it. Anyway, it's clear you're trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to justify to yourself marrying this woman. good luck, man. you'll need it.

OP here. I had an issue with her wanting all these expensive things and an expensive lifestyle while she quits to stay home. I was not happy with that situation, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who wants to stay home and raise kids.

I’m a sahm with an expensive lifestyle. I always liked nice things but I paid for them myself before I got married and had kids.

I’m often resentful that Dh gets to Focus on his career while I’m home with the kids. I’m sure he wishes he had a wife who was content being home raising the kids.

Why not just go back to work? Work PT and have the best of not worlds. You can’t resent him if it was your child you quit your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My point was that every couple has differences in opinion about some spending or priorities whether it is house or vacations or whatever.

I know for me 1 vacation per year would be a dealbreaker. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for OP that his future wife wanted to be a SAHM.

Some people work too much to take several vacations year. That’s a privilege most don’t have.

[Anonymous]

She has - at best - been fickle and changed her mind on you several times, OP.

At worst, she has misled you OP; maybe even gas-lit you.

If this is her personality now, just wait until her pregnancy hormones kick in. You will then be dealing with an entirely different level of insanity from her.

She's far from the only eligible woman in DC (on the contrary; DC is a dating Mecca).

I would not put up with her, personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My point was that every couple has differences in opinion about some spending or priorities whether it is house or vacations or whatever.

I know for me 1 vacation per year would be a dealbreaker. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for OP that his future wife wanted to be a SAHM.

You can’t base relationship decisions on number of vacations per year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My point was that every couple has differences in opinion about some spending or priorities whether it is house or vacations or whatever.

I know for me 1 vacation per year would be a dealbreaker. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for OP that his future wife wanted to be a SAHM.

You can’t base relationship decisions on number of vacations per year.

I have been married for 15 years. We go on 10 vacations per year - some small and some large. Dh doesn’t join us for all of them. He probably goes on 3-4 weeklong and then a handful of long weekends with us.

I once dated a guy who didn’t like to travel. He didn’t enjoy it and that was a dealbreaker for me. You can’t tell another person what is a dealbreaker for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you love about her?

OP here. I love the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel comfortable around her and important. Before her doing the 180, she was very appreciative of everything I did for her, and wya acknowledged it. The gesture goes a long way and it was nice to be appreciated because there have been times I would pay for dinner without so much as an offer to spilt the check ( wouldn’t have but the gesture is important) or a simple thank you. The sex was amazing and she loved it multiple times a day. She was caring and affectionate. Very spontaneous and adventurous. There was never a dull moment or moments where I felt awkward or uncomfortable around her. I never felt a weird feeling during post but clarity. In fact, I felt intense love for her after. I loved her femininity, shared interests, her passion for her job, etc. So many things I can’t put down on here.

Unless you want those things living in a 2.5 million dollar, 5 bd home, with a SAH wife, and a nanny/helper, having brought a larger engagement ring and spending most of what you make, I’m gonna say you need to move on.

The whole “you weren’t the man she thought” and feeling disrespected because you wanted to go to counseling to talk through your differences - that’s manipulative. I’m not going to vilify her for wanting what she wants but she needs to own it and find a guy that wants the same things. If she doesn’t want to compromise on those things - she shouldn’t have to, but is also shouldn’t be that your the bad guy for gasp, having a backbone and preferences as well.