Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

I got engaged to my girlfriend - now fiancé, on Valentines Day. We have been together for a year and I thought I saw my life with her, but her new attitude is making me question everything. We got along great - very much on the same page with major goals, etc. Now it seems like she has changed her mind about major things. Some of the comments she has made about her having a big ring, an expensive house, and her quitting her job to have kids right away, is nothing of which we talked about the entire year of our relationship. I feel like with a different person than the one I was dating. We have had some small talks about these things and she has changed her mind on every important decision. I’m seriously considering having a heart to heart talk and putting our engagement on hold, if not ending the relationship. I need advice on how to navigate this.

[Anonymous]

What did you talk about?
Like you were going to be DINKs and travel the world, and now she wants a house in the suburbs and kids? Or you were going to get a house in the suburbs and have kids, but now she also wants to SAH with them for a couple of years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you talk about?
Like you were going to be DINKs and travel the world, and now she wants a house in the suburbs and kids? Or you were going to get a house in the suburbs and have kids, but now she also wants to SAH with them for a couple of years?

OP here. The issue is the materialistic view that had suddenly come out.

Before we got engaged, we went to a friends house who had recently got engaged. My gf made a snide remark about how small the ring is and that she needs one at least double that size. I bought her a 1.5 carat and she has made comments that it could be bigger.

We had always planned to get married and buy a SFH to eventually raise kids in. We had talked about what we want in a home and a little on purchase price. Now the houses we talked about are no longer good enough and she wants a bigger, more expensive home. She grew up in a huge house and expects that lifestyle for her kids. She has said, without even asking, that we can use the money I saved for many years for a down payment. I’m more frugal and would not be willing to pay such a high amount for a home. It’s our money but I make the majority of our income.

We had talked about getting married and waiting 1-2 years and then having kids. She has since decided we should start trying right after we have her married. She has said that she wants to stay home since I make more money than she anyway.

We have had many long talks about these above issues and we were always on the same page. Now she has become a different person after getting engaged.

[Anonymous]

She is never going to adjust to what she sees as a “lesser” lifestyle. And paying for that large of a house, multiple kids, a SAHM, and god help you - child support and alimony if you get divorced — be prepared if you go ahead with marriage.

[Anonymous]

Advice on how to navigate this? You sit down with and let her know you would like to have a serious conversation about your relationship. Make sure phones are put away, you both don’t have somewhere to be and you’re able to give it your full attention.

You stay curious and specific.
“I’ve been thinking about some things I’ve heard you say recently and want to talk with you about them because I’m feeling confused. I want to give two examples: The only thing I’ve ever heard you say about getting a house was ____. Then last week, when we were at Larla’s house, I heard you say that you were thinking we would start looking for a house in Chevy Chase. That’s a huge leap from ____.”

Then share your second example.
“I feel like I missed something and want to understand. Have you always felt this and I just didn’t get it, or has there been a shift in your thinking? These are big items and I want to understand you. What’s your thinking about this?”

Then just listen to her. Ultimately you’ll have to decide whether you both align on what you think are big issues. Whatever you do, do not continue with this engagement if you have any doubts.

[Anonymous]

Are her parents the sort of wealthy that could help with home purchase?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are her parents the sort of wealthy that could help with home purchase?

OP here. We have the money to buy a home - I just don’t want to spend as much money as she wants to.

[Anonymous]

How old are you two? How much is the house? Who is paying for the wedding?

[Anonymous]

You will never be enough. She will always want more and better.

[Anonymous]

Run, she is never going to be happy. She was very rude about the engagement ring. She showed you who she is.

[Anonymous]

You sound cheap. Admit that you can’t afford her and let her find someone who can give her what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Key: "she grew up in a huge house and expects that lifestyle for her kids."

It sounds like you talked about things OP, but maybe she assumed they were just starter ideas, given her upbringing. Look at what her parents supplied for her, and it sounds like that's what she expects for kids / married lifestyle.

It's better to find this out while engaged.

[Anonymous]

Homes in this area are expensive. You won’t be able to find homes for under $1 million in most areas.

[Anonymous]

Call off your engagement. If you’re this hesitant now, it’s not going to get better.

[Anonymous]

Get out now.