Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are her parents the sort of wealthy that could help with home purchase?

OP here. We have the money to buy a home - I just don’t want to spend as much money as she wants to.

This was a good question OP, which you didn't answer. In some marriages, one the other set of parents is involved financially. For some couples this is a welcome source of funds, and for others, a complicated or fraught arrangement.

OP here. We will be be buying the hole ourselves.

Haha! Home or financial hole?

* home

[Anonymous]

OP, part of a long-term relationship/marriage is having the hard conversations. My H and I did not do this at first and we reached a point where we almost broke up. Yes the conversations are hard but that is how you work through things and move forward together. It sounds like you are at a point to have a hard conversation. If you don't have a hard conversation now, before you are married, it will only get harder. Plus you are setting the stage for how to solve problems in the relationship moving forward.

Also, my engagement ring was not big but I loved it because it was from him. My H "super-sized" it years later but he didn't have to, I never complained. And I would never criticize the size of someone else's ring...who does that? And there is a big difference on a budget of $1.5mil and $2.5mil. My H and I have always been on the same page for big purchases...we are about to start a home renovation/addition and talked through the numbers regularly. Sometimes it was hard to discuss what to spend our money on but the effort was worth it.

Have the hard conversation with your fiancee and see how it goes. Then you can decide how to move forward, good luck.

[Anonymous]

On the first page of this thread, you were given a substantive post on what to say. Interesting that OP has not commented on that one at all but instead chooses to make his case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got engaged to my girlfriend - now fiancé, on Valentines Day. We have been together for a year and I thought I saw my life with her, but her new attitude is making me question everything. We got along great - very much on the same page with major goals, etc. Now it seems like she has changed her mind about major things. Some of the comments she has made about her having a big ring, an expensive house, and her quitting her job to have kids right away, is nothing of which we talked about the entire year of our relationship. I feel like with a different person than the one I was dating. We have had some small talks about these things and she has changed her mind on every important decision. I’m seriously considering having a heart to heart talk and putting our engagement on hold, if not ending the relationship. I need advice on how to navigate this.

Its not about changing mind on few things but your thinking not being aligned. You two should be able to communicate and sort things out, if you can’t do give and take to reach mutually agreeable decisions, it’s not meant to be.

That being said, I don’t get how someone can do a 180 degree turn in few days. Are you feeling buyer’s remorse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice on how to navigate this? You sit down with and let her know you would like to have a serious conversation about your relationship. Make sure phones are put away, you both don’t have somewhere to be and you’re able to give it your full attention.

You stay curious and specific.
“I’ve been thinking about some things I’ve heard you say recently and want to talk with you about them because I’m feeling confused. I want to give two examples: The only thing I’ve ever heard you say about getting a house was ____. Then last week, when we were at Larla’s house, I heard you say that you were thinking we would start looking for a house in Chevy Chase. That’s a huge leap from ____.”

Then share your second example.
“I feel like I missed something and want to understand. Have you always felt this and I just didn’t get it, or has there been a shift in your thinking? These are big items and I want to understand you. What’s your thinking about this?”

Then just listen to her. Ultimately you’ll have to decide whether you both align on what you think are big issues. Whatever you do, do not continue with this engagement if you have any doubts.

This is great advice. I also think you should say something alone the lines of “it’s important to me that we get on the same page and I’m worried that we might not see eye to eye after all. How do you think we can go about resolving this, should we brainstorm some ideas?”

That should give you a sense of how reasonable she is. It’s one thing to want something different than your partner. It may be the case that you run into that often. But a person’s conflict resolution style is important, too. If she says something like, let’s discuss with a therapist or financial advisor and get different inputs then even if her values are different from you she might be someone you can work with. You need to both put your concerns out openly and discuss.

Frankly, though, if I were in your position this would not be someone I want to build a life with. They’re not contributing income but they want to dictate the budget? Bit too much of a princess attitude.

[Anonymous]

Without stating your wishes get her talking about the wedding and budget for that, buying a home and budget, how soon to have kids, childcare, work etc. If much of that has changed since previous talks ask her what changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out now.

I agree. Sounds like a high maintenance but poor and lazy woman. What a horrible combination! At least if she brought cash to the table to buy a nice home/lifestyle, then it could work. But no, she has a Saks eye but a Macys budget. Run Forrest Run!

[Anonymous]

I think you should tell you'd like to get premarital counseling so that you guys can make sure you're on the same page?

Are you at all religious? A lot of churches do this? If not, you can find a therapist who does this.

[Anonymous]

If it was just a house for which you have money, I would say go for it as house is an investment. However, if she wants that then she has to compromise on wedding. Have a simple wedding. She is 30 and working, not a 20 year old with no financial sense. You two should meet a financial counselor to get a reality check. As far as having kids right after wedding is never a great idea, enjoy an year or two as a couple before taking on responsibility of a child. If you two can afford being one income, its fine but to go on one income, y’all need to be more prudent. This doesn’t have to be your forever home, if you have 2 kids, you can move to a bigger house in 5-6 years when kids start KG.

It seems she is comparing things with other couples and wants to do as good or better or trying to recreate her childhood. Its immature for a 30 year old woman. You on the other side are saving 90% of your income, this doesn’t seem like a great match but what were you talking about this whole year?

[Anonymous]

Some times people get carried away trying to creat a fairytale. Just talk to her and and make a good plan. Something has to give, expensive ring, fancy wedding, nice house, luxury goods, babies, break for work, tell her to make a list and decide which one is top priority. Don’t postpone kids for too long as you don’t want to face fertility issues. You are already 35.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t actually sound like she changed her mind. It seems like you heard what you wanted to hear. No one likes downward mobility.

[Anonymous]

I would be worried that she wasn’t honest and transparent about her wants. How can you trust what she says now?

[Anonymous]

I get she wants to recreate how she lived but for that, she had to earn more or inherit some. You can only do what you can do. No body gets everything they want.

[Anonymous]

She is your fiancée, why are you calling her GF?

[Anonymous]

You are not compatible. I actually agree with her about a few things - if you are truly saving 90 percent of what you make and just don’t want to pay for certain things, you are actually cheap. You really can afford more house. At 30 she really shouldn’t wait a long time to try for kids. That’s okay, but you don’t align, and whichever one bends will always be unhappy.