Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:To those speculating OP could never find a partner as frugal as him, I disagree. I was super frugal back when I was single. But there's no way I could have ever met OP's standards for femininity. None of the frugal women I know are feminine, and none of the feminine ones I know are frugal.

Note to OP: feminine women are more likely to want to be SAHMs, expect their husbands to cover major expenses such as housing, want to spend more money on jewelry/clothing/makeup/housing/home decor/personal grooming/etc. OP should adjust his expectations accordingly.

This. I was frugal when I was single and also now that I am married. Would not meet exacting standards for "hotness" because that costs a lot of money in just clothes and upkeep.

OP, you have a choice: high standards for what you consider feminity (costing you $$$ once you get married) or a frugal woman whose goal is to also save money. The two are not compatible.

The OP just said he dated a feminine woman who was frugal. But keep on preaching this drivel.

Women saying you need money to look good and feminine are either lying, nor feminine and lie to themselves, or lazy. I lived on a frigate budget of $30k I’m a major city when I was in school. I didn’t have a money for super fancy things or designer brands, but I had a good skincare regimen, worked out and ate healthy, and dressed nicely. You have no idea how taking good care of your skin, working out and eating healthy, and dressing nicely will make you look good and look feminine. My husband and I have a high HHI but I still never buy a bunch of designer clothes, handbags, or jewelry. Many traditional women are Christians and they don’t wear a ton of makeup or jewelry and still look feminine. I never had issues attracting men in my frugal days. Many women in low income areas still manage look feminine and attractive. Stop with the nonsense that you need a ton of money in order to take care of yourself or look feminine.

I grew up around traditional Christian women who know how to stretch a dollar and prioritize femininity and looking pretty and staying fit. They would all, absolutely and without exception, expect their boyfriend/fiance to pay for every date and would not offer to pay (one thing OP says bothered him about his ex). They would also expect to stay home and if their DH made $400k/year and bragged about having $2M put away, would expect a "showplace" home - and I don't just mean the purchase price, although that too (another thing OP says bothers him about his ex). They would spend a huge amount on decorating and making sure each kid has a themed bedroom and being in the right kind of car for their social circle (the particular make/model varies by region, but none are Hyundais). They might not all want a big rock, but a very good chunk of them do. The thing that's strange about OP's complaints is that the only thing that's objectively objectionable and that actually makes her look materialistic happened before he proposed, and didn't throw him off. Wanting to invest more in a house is not materialistic, especially since they're in their 30s and talking about kids right away. Wanting to stay home and raise kids is not materialistic. Disagreeing about a housing budget before you've even started looking is par for the course and usually gets sorted out by seeing what's on the market.

This board jumped to "OP's ex is a terrible materialistic whore" but actually she seems to be exactly what he was asking her to be. Pretty, great in bed, traditional gender roles, wanted to marry him and stay home to raise his kids. Until he realized that it wasn't just "I'll be fine with a SAHM in the vague future" and it was on the verge really happening. He'd actually have to spend the money he says he's been saving for just this purpose, pretty soon. And the idea of doing that freaked him out so much, he asked for premarital counseling and then the ring back in what, a 6 hour interval?

+1 to all of this. This is a great post.

This post isn't all that good. Way too many generalizations about 'traditional Christian women' that is based on poster's limited interaction which such women. I don't sense OP was asking her to be anything just herself. Don't all men want "pretty"-- whatever they interpret that to be, and great sex is a given. Financially they weren't compatible and that's a huge issue that shouldn't be dismissed. Do I think both OP and his ex-fiancee were trying to check a box in getting married, absolutely. They both were. Their peer group is in that phase and yes, the fiancee is operating under a much tighter time frame for having kids without using fertility treatments if that is what she truly wants. Do I think her wanting a big house is materialistic, not necessarily, but she didn't seem to have a realistic plan on how to afford it. Let me dump it on my all partner and eat up his savings, while I maintain mine is selfish. Now I know some of you think, oh but he had the means, not really. His salary alone won't cover a 2 million to 2.5 house without eating up his premarital savings and is a 7 bedroom house truly a necessity when you only plan on having 2 kids who aren't even born yet? Oh but the housing market in Arlington, Falls Church is going to be a "great investment"--nothing is a sure thing anymore and with rising inflation, hmmm, me thinks him going over his budget is a terrible idea. Fiancee agreed to counseling and then flaked. Oh but she is a pretty feminine girl and OP has to be aware that these type of girls are going to more expensive. I won't even touch that one with a 10 foot pole. And despite what DCUM women want to portend, everyone has to live within their means and have a budget that both parties can live with.

You wouldn’t touch her with a 10 foot pole, but OP has been sleeping with her for a year and proposed.

So, yeah, to never date her or only go on a couple of dates with her is fine. To break off your engagement because of different housing budgets is odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she really attractive? If so you'll need to pay up or pass

Get an airtight prenup with an alimony waiver. I got it…still happily married.

[Anonymous]

Just read whole thread. What an interesting fallout. It ultimately sounds like a mismatch. Honestly I identify heavily with exgf and my DH is very frugal, verging on cheap. We are happy married 7+ years with a child and together 12+. I like some nice things and definitely can come off as spendy especially according to my DH’s standards. I don’t think any of the things the the exgf is mentioning are in and of themselves are an issue but they don’t seem particularly compatible. Still lots of room for perspective to be formed because this is afterall an online forum, all info is biased and shared through one narrative, but it sounds like both parties dodged their version of a bullet. I feel for you both but probably a little more for the exgf. In some ways op, she was behaving in a way you said you had no problem with… being supported, having you pay for lifestyle (less groceries). You also don’t sound like someone who particularly cares for “things” yet the no gifting, less Christmas wine and brownies, bothered you? It doesn’t all flush out to me and to be honest you don’t sound entirely reasonable and seem overly critical of your exgf, but then again it’s my opinion and ultimately there seems to be a comparability issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just read whole thread. What an interesting fallout. It ultimately sounds like a mismatch. Honestly I identify heavily with exgf and my DH is very frugal, verging on cheap. We are happy married 7+ years with a child and together 12+. I like some nice things and definitely can come off as spendy especially according to my DH’s standards. I don’t think any of the things the the exgf is mentioning are in and of themselves are an issue but they don’t seem particularly compatible. Still lots of room for perspective to be formed because this is afterall an online forum, all info is biased and shared through one narrative, but it sounds like both parties dodged their version of a bullet. I feel for you both but probably a little more for the exgf. In some ways op, she was behaving in a way you said you had no problem with… being supported, having you pay for lifestyle (less groceries). You also don’t sound like someone who particularly cares for “things” yet the no gifting, less Christmas wine and brownies, bothered you? It doesn’t all flush out to me and to be honest you don’t sound entirely reasonable and seem overly critical of your exgf, but then again it’s my opinion and ultimately there seems to be a comparability issue.

Yeah, I am Team Ex. I would think OP is a cheap ass and wouldn’t want to start a family with him.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, you should be giving close to 10 percent of your income to charity. Don't horde it all.

PS Your fiancee is not charity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you talk about?
Like you were going to be DINKs and travel the world, and now she wants a house in the suburbs and kids? Or you were going to get a house in the suburbs and have kids, but now she also wants to SAH with them for a couple of years?

OP here. The issue is the materialistic view that had suddenly come out.

Before we got engaged, we went to a friends house who had recently got engaged. My gf made a snide remark about how small the ring is and that she needs one at least double that size. I bought her a 1.5 carat and she has made comments that it could be bigger.

We had always planned to get married and buy a SFH to eventually raise kids in. We had talked about what we want in a home and a little on purchase price. Now the houses we talked about are no longer good enough and she wants a bigger, more expensive home. She grew up in a huge house and expects that lifestyle for her kids. She has said, without even asking, that we can use the money I saved for many years for a down payment. I’m more frugal and would not be willing to pay such a high amount for a home. It’s our money but I make the majority of our income.

We had talked about getting married and waiting 1-2 years and then having kids. She has since decided we should start trying right after we have her married. She has said that she wants to stay home since I make more money than she anyway.

We have had many long talks about these above issues and we were always on the same page. Now she has become a different person after getting engaged.

Get out now OP. She sounds awful but typical of many women who grew up wealthy. She will expect you to work hard while she stays home and you fund her expensive life style. Many men are fine with that and want a SAHM trophy wife. If that’s not you, you need to end it now or live a life of always funding your wife to keep up with the Jones. Signed. A female.

[Anonymous]

It’s possible she is a sweet girl but clearly immature and impressionable, wanting bigger diamond, bigger house and all when it would be much easier for her to have her dream years of being an affluent hands on mom if you two managed money smartly and not to impress others.

[Anonymous]

Why is thread still active? OP said they broke up. No need for more advice about breaking up when they already did.