Guy I'm dating says he needs time to "wrap things up" before we start our relatioship- what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s been established that the guy is not interested in a commitment or being exclusive. He’s been dating 3 different women (at least) for three months. How long does it really take to decide you like someone? Three months seems a bit long to decide - and long to be seeing so many people at once.
I’m not saying he is a bad guy or anyone is right or wrong. Just saying he doesn’t sound like exclusive boyfriend material in this particular case.
The 7 to 10 day waiting period seals the deal as far as I’m concerned.

Monogamy doesn't work for everyone.

Then op’s game playing “boyfriend” should tell the women he’s banging/planning on banging that monogamous relationships don’t work for him. People should be honest and transparent about their intentions and capabilities concerning their romantic/intimate relationships.

Agree. He should be honest that he doesn't really want to commit.

[Anonymous]

All of you are going in on the guy...but what about op doesn't sound like she's all that into him either.

She was perfectly fine with things as they were until her friends told her she should be doing something else. And instead of being mature enough to tell them to myob she'd looking for ways to make the guy out to be awful and taking advantage of her.

Immaturity all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you are going in on the guy...but what about op doesn't sound like she's all that into him either.

She was perfectly fine with things as they were until her friends told her she should be doing something else. And instead of being mature enough to tell them to myob she'd looking for ways to make the guy out to be awful and taking advantage of her.

Immaturity all around.

An awful lot of people here seem to agree that the guy is up to no good. This isn't because of the talk with her friends. An immature person would ignore all the obvious signs and input from friends and insist it's love and nobody understands how special and different this guy is. And then end up with a broken heart down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of you are going in on the guy...but what about op doesn't sound like she's all that into him either.

She was perfectly fine with things as they were until her friends told her she should be doing something else. And instead of being mature enough to tell them to myob she'd looking for ways to make the guy out to be awful and taking advantage of her.

Immaturity all around.

An awful lot of people here seem to agree that the guy is up to no good. This isn't because of the talk with her friends. An immature person would ignore all the obvious signs and input from friends and insist it's love and nobody understands how special and different this guy is. And then end up with a broken heart down the line.

Yes. He already seemed hesitant to commit because he was dating multiple people at once. That, combined with him insisting on going on in-person “breakup dates” with two women he supposedly wasn’t even serious with, is super sketchy.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are getting too much into his personal business too early in the relationship.

He made the choice to be with you so give him time to not be with the other women as well. Let him handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it makes no sense to me that you would be worried he’s going to have sex with these women or something (?), when if you haven’t been exclusive hes likely been doing that the whole 3 months?

And if he hasn’t been sleeping with them too all this time, why would he suddenly just have sex with them right before being exclusive with you (someone he’s already had sex with)?

Your concern seems illogical.

OP: because, if has been having sex with them, then he's lying (because he said he hasn't). If he hasn't been having sex with them, why the need to see them in person again just to say it's not going to work out? Something is off.

Perhaps to give them enough respect as human people? Meeting for a coffee during the day is a lot different than going out on one last dinner date on a Friday night, which he has not proposed doing. Right?

Do you have a hard time trusting people in general/in past relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of you are going in on the guy...but what about op doesn't sound like she's all that into him either.

She was perfectly fine with things as they were until her friends told her she should be doing something else. And instead of being mature enough to tell them to myob she'd looking for ways to make the guy out to be awful and taking advantage of her.

Immaturity all around.

An awful lot of people here seem to agree that the guy is up to no good. This isn't because of the talk with her friends. An immature person would ignore all the obvious signs and input from friends and insist it's love and nobody understands how special and different this guy is. And then end up with a broken heart down the line.

I haven't done a count, and you couldn't anyway since one person can post lots of times, but court me as someone on team guy-- I do think he is being punished for being transparent but if OP wants to blow up their relationship over this I'd say that's bullet dodged.

For everyone who wishes they had "listened to their gut" and broke up sooner there is someone else who could have a successful longterm relationship if they hadn't cut and run at the first hint of difficulty (or not even difficulty, just a recognition the other person is also fully grown person who has been and continues to live in the world outside your orbit)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he needs to pick up a few things from their apartment? Maybe they’re out of town part of week or a single parent who can only meet up every few weeks. Who knows. But he cares enough about them to not break up over text. It sounds to me like he was dating more than you understood. Which isn’t terrible but could be rattling. I’d give him the time but also ask him in a non confrontational way about his relationships after those few weeks and wrap ups are complete. I like hearing about past partners and the more he tells you the less unknown/wild fable it is. Plus if he chooses to remain friends (actual friends) with any of them clearing the air will help.

Sweet baby Jes***, there are options other than text or in-person. He can call on the phone. He can have a video call. I can’t even imagine if I told my now DH I needed 1-2 weeks to set up meetings in person with guys I started dating six weeks after I started dating him for relationships that allegedly weren’t serious in order for us to be in an exclusive relationship. I don’t think it was even a process to be exclusive, I simply stopped going on dates with other people and didn’t respond to any new online matches - that can happen right away. I took down my profiles that day. Anyone that warranted more than simply not making any upcoming plans only needed a phone call as to why the plans we were talking about (was it really more than a few days in advance) were not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he needs to pick up a few things from their apartment? Maybe they’re out of town part of week or a single parent who can only meet up every few weeks. Who knows. But he cares enough about them to not break up over text. It sounds to me like he was dating more than you understood. Which isn’t terrible but could be rattling. I’d give him the time but also ask him in a non confrontational way about his relationships after those few weeks and wrap ups are complete. I like hearing about past partners and the more he tells you the less unknown/wild fable it is. Plus if he chooses to remain friends (actual friends) with any of them clearing the air will help.

Sweet baby Jes***, there are options other than text or in-person. He can call on the phone. He can have a video call. I can’t even imagine if I told my now DH I needed 1-2 weeks to set up meetings in person with guys I started dating six weeks after I started dating him for relationships that allegedly weren’t serious in order for us to be in an exclusive relationship. I don’t think it was even a process to be exclusive, I simply stopped going on dates with other people and didn’t respond to any new online matches - that can happen right away. I took down my profiles that day. Anyone that warranted more than simply not making any upcoming plans only needed a phone call as to why the plans we were talking about (was it really more than a few days in advance) were not going to happen.

Women, would you like the man you’ve been casually dating (and not sleeping with) to take you out for coffee and tell you in the coffee establishment he’s going exclusive with another woman?

obv this guy hasn’t been transparent. you don’t need in person break up dates with ppl you have been casually dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he needs to pick up a few things from their apartment? Maybe they’re out of town part of week or a single parent who can only meet up every few weeks. Who knows. But he cares enough about them to not break up over text. It sounds to me like he was dating more than you understood. Which isn’t terrible but could be rattling. I’d give him the time but also ask him in a non confrontational way about his relationships after those few weeks and wrap ups are complete. I like hearing about past partners and the more he tells you the less unknown/wild fable it is. Plus if he chooses to remain friends (actual friends) with any of them clearing the air will help.

Sweet baby Jes***, there are options other than text or in-person. He can call on the phone. He can have a video call. I can’t even imagine if I told my now DH I needed 1-2 weeks to set up meetings in person with guys I started dating six weeks after I started dating him for relationships that allegedly weren’t serious in order for us to be in an exclusive relationship. I don’t think it was even a process to be exclusive, I simply stopped going on dates with other people and didn’t respond to any new online matches - that can happen right away. I took down my profiles that day. Anyone that warranted more than simply not making any upcoming plans only needed a phone call as to why the plans we were talking about (was it really more than a few days in advance) were not going to happen.

Women, would you like the man you’ve been casually dating (and not sleeping with) to take you out for coffee and tell you in the coffee establishment he’s going exclusive with another woman?

obv this guy hasn’t been transparent. you don’t need in person break up dates with ppl you have been casually dating.

So do you think he was lying and he was more serious with the other women than he let on? Or do you think he wants to try to hook up with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he needs to pick up a few things from their apartment? Maybe they’re out of town part of week or a single parent who can only meet up every few weeks. Who knows. But he cares enough about them to not break up over text. It sounds to me like he was dating more than you understood. Which isn’t terrible but could be rattling. I’d give him the time but also ask him in a non confrontational way about his relationships after those few weeks and wrap ups are complete. I like hearing about past partners and the more he tells you the less unknown/wild fable it is. Plus if he chooses to remain friends (actual friends) with any of them clearing the air will help.

Sweet baby Jes***, there are options other than text or in-person. He can call on the phone. He can have a video call. I can’t even imagine if I told my now DH I needed 1-2 weeks to set up meetings in person with guys I started dating six weeks after I started dating him for relationships that allegedly weren’t serious in order for us to be in an exclusive relationship. I don’t think it was even a process to be exclusive, I simply stopped going on dates with other people and didn’t respond to any new online matches - that can happen right away. I took down my profiles that day. Anyone that warranted more than simply not making any upcoming plans only needed a phone call as to why the plans we were talking about (was it really more than a few days in advance) were not going to happen.

OP could be the side chick that’s moved to first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of you are going in on the guy...but what about op doesn't sound like she's all that into him either.

She was perfectly fine with things as they were until her friends told her she should be doing something else. And instead of being mature enough to tell them to myob she'd looking for ways to make the guy out to be awful and taking advantage of her.

Immaturity all around.

An awful lot of people here seem to agree that the guy is up to no good. This isn't because of the talk with her friends. An immature person would ignore all the obvious signs and input from friends and insist it's love and nobody understands how special and different this guy is. And then end up with a broken heart down the line.

I haven't done a count, and you couldn't anyway since one person can post lots of times, but court me as someone on team guy-- I do think he is being punished for being transparent but if OP wants to blow up their relationship over this I'd say that's bullet dodged.

For everyone who wishes they had "listened to their gut" and broke up sooner there is someone else who could have a successful longterm relationship if they hadn't cut and run at the first hint of difficulty (or not even difficulty, just a recognition the other person is also fully grown person who has been and continues to live in the world outside your orbit)

You make an excellent point. I have learned over my life that being fully honest with women is usually a mistake. The guy should have said "yes" to exclusivity, and then gone about his business. I hate having to explain complex things to women, because they often don't understand them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he needs to pick up a few things from their apartment? Maybe they’re out of town part of week or a single parent who can only meet up every few weeks. Who knows. But he cares enough about them to not break up over text. It sounds to me like he was dating more than you understood. Which isn’t terrible but could be rattling. I’d give him the time but also ask him in a non confrontational way about his relationships after those few weeks and wrap ups are complete. I like hearing about past partners and the more he tells you the less unknown/wild fable it is. Plus if he chooses to remain friends (actual friends) with any of them clearing the air will help.

Sweet baby Jes***, there are options other than text or in-person. He can call on the phone. He can have a video call. I can’t even imagine if I told my now DH I needed 1-2 weeks to set up meetings in person with guys I started dating six weeks after I started dating him for relationships that allegedly weren’t serious in order for us to be in an exclusive relationship. I don’t think it was even a process to be exclusive, I simply stopped going on dates with other people and didn’t respond to any new online matches - that can happen right away. I took down my profiles that day. Anyone that warranted more than simply not making any upcoming plans only needed a phone call as to why the plans we were talking about (was it really more than a few days in advance) were not going to happen.

Women, would you like the man you’ve been casually dating (and not sleeping with) to take you out for coffee and tell you in the coffee establishment he’s going exclusive with another woman?

obv this guy hasn’t been transparent. you don’t need in person break up dates with ppl you have been casually dating.

+1 Nobody wants the break up coffee date, why are some people bending over backwards to pat this guy on the back for doing a good deed and being honest making sure his dates have the break up date they almost guaranteed don't even want?

[Anonymous]

It’s very possible he’s been dating all of them longer than you. by actually wouldn’t mind a break up coffee date because it provides some finality. We’ve all had a break up phone call or text that didn’t feel complete. It’s not going to be a fun time for anyone but it’s a mature approach. I will say that I would’ve narrowed my dating partners down prior to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very possible he’s been dating all of them longer than you. by actually wouldn’t mind a break up coffee date because it provides some finality. We’ve all had a break up phone call or text that didn’t feel complete. It’s not going to be a fun time for anyone but it’s a mature approach. I will say that I would’ve narrowed my dating partners down prior to this.

Seeing them longer than 3 months but not sleeping with either of them? Hmmmm a likely story