If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
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Anonymous
I agree with this. Skiing is expensive and obviously the baby and young ones can’t do the slopes the older kids can. OP put a lot of planning into this. The real problem is also including the child free couple. That leaves one person/ family out. For example if OP was doing a “sailing vacation “ where they actually sailed technically. There is no way you would include 4 kids one is a baby. Not to mention Covid |
Anonymous
| I thought a child free couple was someone who has decided not to have kids? |
Anonymous
It's hard - it sounds like you really need the trip that you need, but also don't want to antagonize your sister. I think keeping the peace is probably more important than having exactly the trip you want, but I get why this is a dilemma. Maybe look into whether there's daycare or ski camp you can send the kids to - or even a nanny for those few days. It'll be $ but perhaps the sisters can all pitch in to make that possible. |
Anonymous
| 4 kids one is a baby? That will definitely be either very expensive or a lot of babysitting. Yes hurtful but really four very young kids in a ski vacation? Sounds very expensive to me. |
Anonymous
| Maybe your sister could arrange for someone to stay with the kids at home so she can go on the trip without them? Maybe her husband stays home or grandparents keep them? |
Anonymous
| I think when you make the decision to have 4 kids all very young that you need to understand that this will mean less much less vacation time. Especially in expensive resorts. |
Anonymous
+1 I have brothers with older kids and would assume they don't want my younger ones around. I also would not care because kids can be annoying, although I'm sure we all independently feel like our own children are the least annoying and easiest of the bunch. They have kids in the awkward puberty stage who voice every wild thought they've absorbed off the internet but I know mine will get there eventually too. |
Anonymous
| Everyone saying it’s too expensive- maybe, but shouldn’t OP let her sister decide that for herself? |
Anonymous
| Op obviously loves her sister if she already cares for the kids often enough. She wants to be free to ski on vacation and offer something nice to youngest sister. Posters here want op to stay in with baby and young kids so their mom (who didn't plan this trip) can have fun skiing herself. Op, tell your sister you would have loved to have her but are planning some activities (skiing) that are not good for kids and the house is too echo-y for everyone to be able to stay quiet for naps and early bedtimes that you will likely be in charge of because of your established dynamic. Parents of young ones are tired and desperate for help they won't care how it affects others because they are so tired and in need of a change of pace. Leave her out and enjoy something special. Tell her you can't wait to go on a ski trip with her family when their kids are old enough to not need sitters. |
Anonymous
OP here, I think the only person bringing up expenses is me. I said that ski school was too expensive for my kids, which is why one of the reasons waited for them to be old enough to ski as a family, and then waited another couple years due to medical issues and a pandemic. I also said this is probably the only time we'll be able to do this during my kid's childhood, and that if I could afford a trip every year, it might not bother me as much if I didn't get the experience I planned. I'm not sure why my sister should decide for herself whether I can afford more ski vacations or ski school for my kids. Having said that, I think that DCUM often tends to assume that other people have "moderate" incomes by DCUM's unusual standards, and so they present solutions that cost a lot of money. I don't really see how saying to someone "Sure, you can come on the trip, but we expect you to do all these things that probably feel unsafe (e.g. using resort childcare for an unvaccinated baby), or are cost prohibitive (e.g. renting an entire extra house) or aren't in line with how you parent (e.g. weaning so you can leave the baby in Maryland with Dad), or are going to hurt your kids (e.g. explaining to your kids they can't ski with their cousins)" is less hurtful than saying "we're planning on doing something thats for older kids and adults, we'll see you when we get back!". I understand why people think that the first thing, going with 3 of us and leaving one behind, is hurtful, and I'm probably not going to do it. But I don't understand why people think the second thing, setting so many restrictions that she decides not to come, isn't equally hurtful. |
Anonymous
Honestly I think OP is fine to not invite the sister. Skiing is in fact not a great activity when you have little kids. They also have a 5 month old which is different even than a 2 year old because they are intensely tied to sleep schedules at that point. A 5 month old would be great on a trip to paris where you are walking around and they snooze in and out, but skiing is time consuming. In the time it takes you to get all your gear on and to the slopes baby is ready for a nap again. So an adult would be required to be in the house 100% of the time caring for the kid and OP is right that the other parent would not be able to fully manage the other three. The trip would be miserable for the 3rd sister's family. Or sister or husband trade back just doing whole days at the house while the other teaches the other two kids. Anyway, there are ways I guess but this wouldn't be relaxing and I totally understand OP not wanting to deal with it. Although I think the 'have to be quiet after bedtime' thing is kind of bs unless the house is tiny and it is not tiny if it is even semi feasible to house the four sisters and their respective broods. I have had babies in plenty of group houses, even when they were waking at night, and you just get up and promptly deal with it. THAT SAID, the issue here is not really that OP doesn't want to deal with all of that on a special ski trip she has saved up for, which is, again, in my opinion completely understandable. The issue is that OP badly wants to invite sister four, and the fact that she can't without hurting three's feelings is making her feel resentful of three. But OP, you have resounding consensus here that the hurt three will feel will be warranted. It sounds like you and one will have a great trip. Why be greedy? Find another way to celebrate with four. It seems like three cannot win here at this point. If you don't invite four you will resent three for being the reason you can't do that and if you do invite four and three is hurt you will resent her for that too. That is unfair. A lot of your posts seem to imply that you feel you have done enough 'service' for three via caring for her children that you have 'earned' this vacation without her. That is also unfair, and a dangerous feeling to allow to fester in your heart. |
Anonymous
Exactly, this has nothing to do with how I feel about her kids. I love her kids. They are not more annoying than my kids, and frankly are a lot cuter than mine! But there are times and places when having a little kid along is annoying, even if they're a fantastic kid and you love them. A four year old, who can't ski anything but the bunny slope, and needs you to get off the hill with them every couple hours because they can't go to the bathroom alone is less fun to ski with than a 13 year old who can ski all the hills you want to ski and go back to the house on his own when he needs the bathroom. On the other hand, there were lots of times this summer when I enjoyed spending time with the four year old who happily snuggled up with me for story time, and helped me chop the vegetables for lunch, much more than my own smelly sassy big kids. |
Anonymous
| OP really you worked hard to have this particular vacation. Have it with one sister. I did rather extreme equestrian vacations and they were expensive and never able to be repeated. Grab this vacation, ask only one sister, and don’t look back. Yes having 6 other people in my equestrian vacation would not have worked. |
Anonymous
| OP, why don't you actually TALK to your sister about this. Maybe she can work something out with your parents or her in laws to keep the kids while she and her husband come. Or maybe even she comes on her own for a few days while kids stay with her husband. |
Anonymous
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You see I think a lot of this has to do with the kids ages and to me that should be a no-brainer for the sister to why she wasn't invited. If three sisters all had 2-year-olds and were doing tot time should they invite the sister who has teenagers? No that would be stupid.
Some of you are just looking for reasons to be upset with family if you are honestly going to be upset about a vacation that is obviously not designed for where your family is at at this point in life. I guess I have a better relationship with my sisters and feel more confident that we actually care about each other than some of you. I couldn't care less if they all got together to do something that I obviously would not want to take part in or couldn't do to my family dynamic at the time. That is exactly what the ski trip is. The original poster is not having a backyard barbecue and refusing to invite the sister. You're an adult you can plan a vacation that suits your family and invite other families that it is suited for as well. Not everything needs to be 100% inclusive all of the time that sounds exhausting to try to maintain. |