If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?

[Anonymous]

Oh just invite her but make sure she knows you don't want to babysit and you're going to be out skiing most of the day. She can take it or leave it, and you might have to spend a little more time with the kids than you want.

Could you extend the trip a couple of days by yourself or with one sister, just for adult skiing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t get what you mean “from family dynamics” you will be watching her kids. If you tell her in advance that this trip is special, you’ve been planning for it for years, and you’re looking forward to being out on the slopes all day, then won’t she understand that you’re not going to be the babysitter?

History says she will not.

Is this OP? I was coming around to thinking you weren't horrible based on your update but your seeming bitterness at being denied a trip with the extra sister and refusal to accept the great fun happy trip you have planned makes me think you are resentful of the excluded sister and the anger she would feel would be not just natural but correctly reading the lie of the land on the intentions.

My youngest sister and I are close. She's 17 years younger than me, and my mom died when she was in high school, so I helped raise her and we're close, and I missed her during the first 15 months of the pandemic. So, the idea of taking a trip to do something we love together sounds nice. And budgetwise, she's probably not going to be able to take a real ski vacation for a long time, so the fact that we could pay less than $1,000 and add both of them to the trip is tempting.

I get that it seems unfair to leave just one sister behind, but it also seems unfair to leave this sister behind because that sister has a new baby. New babies are wonderful things. But sometimes the trade off of having one is that in the first couple years you don't get to do the things you did before.

I'll also say that I've done a lot this pandemic for the sister with the four kids. I don't resent that. That's what family does, and I love her, and I love her kids. But one of the reasons why I know her kids will expect me to be doing stuff for them on this trip, is that they're used to me doing stuff for them.

Is sister with the 4 kids aware of the ski trip you are planning with 1 other sister? If she’s already aware of the original plan I would go to her and say that you plan on inviting your youngest sister and her new wife as a wedding gift to them and you wanted her to hear it from you because you didnt want her to be hurt. If you really want to invite your youngest sister you have to be an adult and talk to left out sister about it head on. I find all your reasons legit but you also still have to address it with left out sister.

[Anonymous]

We go on plenty of cousin ski trips and ages vary. Abilities probably vary even more. You can split up the day. In the morning kids might ski together then in the afternoon we split into the black versus blue diamond crew. On one dat my DC tries snowboarding so they were on the greens with the smaller kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We go on plenty of cousin ski trips and ages vary. Abilities probably vary even more. You can split up the day. In the morning kids might ski together then in the afternoon we split into the black versus blue diamond crew. On one dat my DC tries snowboarding so they were on the greens with the smaller kids.

If my budget was such that this was something we did plenty of times, as opposed to the only time my kids will probably get to go in their childhood, that would probably make a difference to me. Giving up half the trip to be with the little kids, when you're going next year, would feel different to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t get what you mean “from family dynamics” you will be watching her kids. If you tell her in advance that this trip is special, you’ve been planning for it for years, and you’re looking forward to being out on the slopes all day, then won’t she understand that you’re not going to be the babysitter?

History says she will not.

Is this OP? I was coming around to thinking you weren't horrible based on your update but your seeming bitterness at being denied a trip with the extra sister and refusal to accept the great fun happy trip you have planned makes me think you are resentful of the excluded sister and the anger she would feel would be not just natural but correctly reading the lie of the land on the intentions.

My youngest sister and I are close. She's 17 years younger than me, and my mom died when she was in high school, so I helped raise her and we're close, and I missed her during the first 15 months of the pandemic. So, the idea of taking a trip to do something we love together sounds nice. And budgetwise, she's probably not going to be able to take a real ski vacation for a long time, so the fact that we could pay less than $1,000 and add both of them to the trip is tempting.

I get that it seems unfair to leave just one sister behind, but it also seems unfair to leave this sister behind because that sister has a new baby. New babies are wonderful things. But sometimes the trade off of having one is that in the first couple years you don't get to do the things you did before.

I'll also say that I've done a lot this pandemic for the sister with the four kids. I don't resent that. That's what family does, and I love her, and I love her kids. But one of the reasons why I know her kids will expect me to be doing stuff for them on this trip, is that they're used to me doing stuff for them.

Is sister with the 4 kids aware of the ski trip you are planning with 1 other sister? If she’s already aware of the original plan I would go to her and say that you plan on inviting your youngest sister and her new wife as a wedding gift to them and you wanted her to hear it from you because you didnt want her to be hurt. If you really want to invite your youngest sister you have to be an adult and talk to left out sister about it head on. I find all your reasons legit but you also still have to address it with left out sister.

She's aware we've talked about it. She's not aware that we found a house and put a deposit. That just happened, a few hours before I made the post.

Obviously I would talk to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh just invite her but make sure she knows you don't want to babysit and you're going to be out skiing most of the day. She can take it or leave it, and you might have to spend a little more time with the kids than you want.

Could you extend the trip a couple of days by yourself or with one sister, just for adult skiing?

No, I need to be back at work that Monday and my kids need to be at school. Plus the budget is stretched pretty tight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap, that sounds hurtful! You can’t exclude one, OP. But you can invite her and make sure she knows you’re not going to stay back and babysit because you’ll be out on the slopes with your own kid(s).

Yes she can this is the equivalent of a participation trophy. Adult get to choose who they hang out with and when they hang out with them. I don't understand why everyone needs to be included in everything all of the time my God you people are exhausting.

OP going with just her older sister is not including the 3rd sister. OP inviting everyone except the 3rd sister is excluding her. Not including is fine, pointedly excluding is not fine.

OP doesn't like this sister and is making excuses not to invite her. Its ok OP, she knows you don't like her and this wouldn't be a surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After reading your explanation I’m still unsure why it’s your problem? Her husband takes their oldest out or supervises with a ski instructor, she hangs back with the baby or vice versa.

Because there are two other kids in the middle. And because their kids will be upset if they aren't invited to be with their cousins, and not understand because they're kids.

And because I don't want to take a ski vacation with little kids. I didn't even want to do it when my own kids were little.

I understand that inviting 3 but not 4 would hurt people's feelings. I am a little baffled that people seem not to understand why someone would prefer not to have a 5 month old, who may or may not be sleeping through the night, and a preschooler along on their ski vacation.

Then, pick a vacation that works for everyone. Take the two older ones out with you. Lots of options.

[Anonymous]

No. OP does not need to cater to everyone. It's her vacation.

Some of you need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of 4 (3 girls and a boy). Yes, I would be hurt if they all went on vacation without me. I'd also be a little hurt if my 2 sisters went without me, but I could suck that up, cause at least my brother would be out too. But if all 3 of them went on vacation without inviting me --- yeah, that would sting badly.

FWIW I'm the oldest with the oldest kids. I get it - I remember the first family vacation we took when my oldest was a toddler. Went to a restaurant and they said it would be an hour wait. My younger siblings were all "no problem, we'll be at the bar," leaving me to be the wet blanket. And now that my kids are older and more flexible, guess who suddenly needs to eat at 6/stay in the shallow end/etc. But that's just how it goes amongst siblings in different life stages. I would never want to let that situation result in one of my siblings feeling hurt or excluded.

You need to decide if you want a ski trip or a family trip. If you want a ski trip, take it with your nuclear family and/or friends with same age kids. If you want a family trip, include everyone and choose somewhere that you won't feel resentful of the big kid- little kid dynamics.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. OP does not need to cater to everyone. It's her vacation.

Some of you need to grow up.

If it was her vacation she woud just be going by herself or with her family not inviting everyone in the family but one sister and the pretending to be confused about why that is hurtful. It's OP that needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap, that sounds hurtful! You can’t exclude one, OP. But you can invite her and make sure she knows you’re not going to stay back and babysit because you’ll be out on the slopes with your own kid(s).

Yes she can this is the equivalent of a participation trophy. Adult get to choose who they hang out with and when they hang out with them. I don't understand why everyone needs to be included in everything all of the time my God you people are exhausting.

OP going with just her older sister is not including the 3rd sister. OP inviting everyone except the 3rd sister is excluding her. Not including is fine, pointedly excluding is not fine.

OP doesn't like this sister and is making excuses not to invite her. Its ok OP, she knows you don't like her and this wouldn't be a surprise.

This is it. This is why she's shut down every reasonable alternative. This is why she already booked this trip the way she did. She came here knowing she was in the wrong but was hoping she'd get unanimous support. She didn't, just her little follow-ups defending herself which each subsequent post pants her in a worse light. Something tells me that when a baby sister has little kids, OP will have no problem arranging plans around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

If my kids don’t want to ski with their older cousins or their older cousins don’t want to ski with them, then they can ski with me. They’ll ski with me some of the time anyway, because we like that.

The question isn’t is there some way we can bring my 3rd sister. I have saved for years, and spent a lot of time teaching my kids on little local slopes, to be ready for this trip. We waited till my kids were ready to handle slopes that are bigger than what they can find locally, and then we waited another couple years due to pandemic. So, I want to be able to actually ski those bigger slopes. But I also know from family dynamics that I will end up on the little slopes with her kids because frankly telling a 9 and 11 year old that they have to ski with the 4 year old seems much meaner than telling an adult “we figured with a 5 month old this isn’t the year for you to join us”.

So, the question is can I get away with inviting my youngest sister? I get that everyone seems to think the answer is no.

Invite the other two at the last minute. (Give your youngest sister a secret heads up in advance.)
She and her wife will be able to go last minute. The sister with four kids, a husband, lots to coordinate, tickets, etc., with the caveat of--you may want to rent a separate house-- will not.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the minority here but I totally get why you don’t want to go on a ski trip with four little kids including a baby! These people commenting must not be skiers.

I have sisters I’m close with and would just tell the one what we’re doing and say, “I can’t wait until Baby’s Name is older and we can do something like this all together. Or maybe you should just come solo - ha ha.” Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the minority here but I totally get why you don’t want to go on a ski trip with four little kids including a baby! These people commenting must not be skiers.

I have sisters I’m close with and would just tell the one what we’re doing and say, “I can’t wait until Baby’s Name is older and we can do something like this all together. Or maybe you should just come solo - ha ha.” Done.

Everyone gets that she does not want to have the young four kids in tow. What we don't get is that she wants to invite the third sister in a way that will exclude the fourth sister -and not face the consequences of that action. We also do not get why. if they have such a close relationship, she does not just talk with the fourth sister.