Imposing relatives on MY birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

If her DH secretly planned a separate trip, knowing OP had already planned a family vacation to FL, sounds like respect in that marriage has been absent for a long time.
Why do you think it is ok that her DH did this, and OP should just accept it? You're saying OP should have absolutely no say in how she spends her vacation time?

And it is this overt extremism that makes this segment of the population so insufferable. No, I said that she could meet them halfway. Negotiation, my dear, is what grownups do when they are stuck in a pickle. Plus, it is not just OP's vacation time. When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide. She can spend 2-3 days with DH's family in lieu of an entire week and the remaining days at an alternative location and/or house for the remainder of the vacation. I can't imagine that OP would be pleasant for greater than 2 days anyway. She could say, DH, I know that your family means a lot to you and I don't want this to be a big deal, so let's tell them that we can only do X days? I'd imagine the relationship with OP and Dh's family is stellar but for the sake of the marriage and kids, why make it worse? The kids may love their grandparents and aunts. Crazy, I know.

Furthermore, I doubt highly that this is some covert plan by DH to muck up OP's birthday. I mean, the language by OP - "Imposing relatives on MY birthday" "It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT"- alludes to OP getting her way a lot of the time. There are likely details missing so I'll just assume that our dear Veruca has left some of those out.

Sounds like she has one week of vacation. Kinda hard to split that between DH's surprise trip to WV and the pre-planned family trip to FL. Half the time would be spent on the road.
Yeah, trust me, I know all about compromise in a marriage...been doing it for years. I just don't get why some of you seem to think that it is the woman who should be doing the compromising here, and not the man. Seems a bit misogynistic, no?

[Anonymous]

Adult birthday haters: After you turn 30, you’re allowed to have 4-5 more birthdays in your life. 40 is one of them.

OP: How in the heck does your husband not know your feelings about his family? How does he not know you are an introvert?

Everyone else: Raise your hand if you want to spend your 40th with your in-laws in WV. Yeah, that’s what I thought...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

Here, let me fix that for you. "If OP's husband had taken a week of his limited yearly PTO for a vacation he was really excited about and already making plans for, then OP cancelled that vacation without consulting him and told him honey, we're going to spend a week in a house in West Virginia with my entire extended family and you have no say whatsoever -- oh, and happy birthday!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult birthday haters: After you turn 30, you’re allowed to have 4-5 more birthdays in your life. 40 is one of them.

OP: How in the heck does your husband not know your feelings about his family? How does he not know you are an introvert?

Everyone else: Raise your hand if you want to spend your 40th with your in-laws in WV. Yeah, that’s what I thought...

And you always get a say in how you spend your PTO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

If her DH secretly planned a separate trip, knowing OP had already planned a family vacation to FL, sounds like respect in that marriage has been absent for a long time.
Why do you think it is ok that her DH did this, and OP should just accept it? You're saying OP should have absolutely no say in how she spends her vacation time?

And it is this overt extremism that makes this segment of the population so insufferable. No, I said that she could meet them halfway. Negotiation, my dear, is what grownups do when they are stuck in a pickle. Plus, it is not just OP's vacation time. When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide. She can spend 2-3 days with DH's family in lieu of an entire week and the remaining days at an alternative location and/or house for the remainder of the vacation. I can't imagine that OP would be pleasant for greater than 2 days anyway. She could say, DH, I know that your family means a lot to you and I don't want this to be a big deal, so let's tell them that we can only do X days? I'd imagine the relationship with OP and Dh's family is stellar but for the sake of the marriage and kids, why make it worse? The kids may love their grandparents and aunts. Crazy, I know.

Furthermore, I doubt highly that this is some covert plan by DH to muck up OP's birthday. I mean, the language by OP - "Imposing relatives on MY birthday" "It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT"- alludes to OP getting her way a lot of the time. There are likely details missing so I'll just assume that our dear Veruca has left some of those out.

Jesus. No one is "in a pickle" (are you 80 years old)? They tried to pull a bait and switch and her husband CANCELLED THE VACATION THAT THEY HAD ALREADY BOOKED AND AGREED UPON behind her back to spend her entire week of PTO with her freaking in-laws.

And you're right, "When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide." They already DID DECIDE, together. Her husband unilaterally decided to cancel the plans that they had agreed upon together to do what HE and his family wanted to do. Absurd.

Just stop embarrassing yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

Yeah. How many men do you know who spend their birthday going on a week long trip with his mother in law? Oh yeah, and zero of his friends or family can come.

That sounds insane right?

How old are you people? I'm not married to a blathering frat boy so I know one, yeah. DH takes trips with my family all the time, and I take trips to visit his overseas.

If your introverted DH planned and booked a trip for his birthday that you knew he was excited about would you then tell him he had to cancel it because extroverted family decided to have a different vacation that week and demanded he go?

[Anonymous]

Your husband doesn’t get to unilaterally cancel your vacation and call it a birthday present to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

If her DH secretly planned a separate trip, knowing OP had already planned a family vacation to FL, sounds like respect in that marriage has been absent for a long time.
Why do you think it is ok that her DH did this, and OP should just accept it? You're saying OP should have absolutely no say in how she spends her vacation time?

And it is this overt extremism that makes this segment of the population so insufferable. No, I said that she could meet them halfway. Negotiation, my dear, is what grownups do when they are stuck in a pickle. Plus, it is not just OP's vacation time. When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide. She can spend 2-3 days with DH's family in lieu of an entire week and the remaining days at an alternative location and/or house for the remainder of the vacation. I can't imagine that OP would be pleasant for greater than 2 days anyway. She could say, DH, I know that your family means a lot to you and I don't want this to be a big deal, so let's tell them that we can only do X days? I'd imagine the relationship with OP and Dh's family is stellar but for the sake of the marriage and kids, why make it worse? The kids may love their grandparents and aunts. Crazy, I know.

Furthermore, I doubt highly that this is some covert plan by DH to muck up OP's birthday. I mean, the language by OP - "Imposing relatives on MY birthday" "It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT"- alludes to OP getting her way a lot of the time. There are likely details missing so I'll just assume that our dear Veruca has left some of those out.

Sounds like she has one week of vacation. Kinda hard to split that between DH's surprise trip to WV and the pre-planned family trip to FL. Half the time would be spent on the road.
Yeah, trust me, I know all about compromise in a marriage...been doing it for years. I just don't get why some of you seem to think that it is the woman who should be doing the compromising here, and not the man. Seems a bit misogynistic, no?

Extremist points of view again. No, it's not misogynistic in the slightest but I'm sure you'll take it there because you're offended and everything is an offense against our female dignity!! Nuance is really the name of the game and so often overlooked by the indignant posters with bullhorns. The reason OP should compromise is because DH's family made plans already to come see them and were trying to do something nice for them/her/her family, even if she views it as misguided. Plus, this is also her kids' family, and I've yet to see her mention her children, which I don't think is an accident. If the role had been reversed and OP's family had flown in, we'd ask DH to make accommodations and please recognize their efforts. Not rocket science, folks. Just common sense. And adulting.

Asking someone to go on a vacation without whining, and perhaps coming up with an "I'll meet you in the middle", is not misogyny except to the grossly misguided. Hell, if she had any negotiating skills, she could trade this vacation for a greater DH give later on down the road. Be creative, folks.

[Anonymous]

They shouldn’t be planning a 20 person group house vacation during the pandemic. Say no on those grounds alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

If her DH secretly planned a separate trip, knowing OP had already planned a family vacation to FL, sounds like respect in that marriage has been absent for a long time.
Why do you think it is ok that her DH did this, and OP should just accept it? You're saying OP should have absolutely no say in how she spends her vacation time?

And it is this overt extremism that makes this segment of the population so insufferable. No, I said that she could meet them halfway. Negotiation, my dear, is what grownups do when they are stuck in a pickle. Plus, it is not just OP's vacation time. When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide. She can spend 2-3 days with DH's family in lieu of an entire week and the remaining days at an alternative location and/or house for the remainder of the vacation. I can't imagine that OP would be pleasant for greater than 2 days anyway. She could say, DH, I know that your family means a lot to you and I don't want this to be a big deal, so let's tell them that we can only do X days? I'd imagine the relationship with OP and Dh's family is stellar but for the sake of the marriage and kids, why make it worse? The kids may love their grandparents and aunts. Crazy, I know.

Furthermore, I doubt highly that this is some covert plan by DH to muck up OP's birthday. I mean, the language by OP - "Imposing relatives on MY birthday" "It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT"- alludes to OP getting her way a lot of the time. There are likely details missing so I'll just assume that our dear Veruca has left some of those out.

Jesus. No one is "in a pickle" (are you 80 years old)? They tried to pull a bait and switch and her husband CANCELLED THE VACATION THAT THEY HAD ALREADY BOOKED AND AGREED UPON behind her back to spend her entire week of PTO with her freaking in-laws.

And you're right, "When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide." They already DID DECIDE, together. Her husband unilaterally decided to cancel the plans that they had agreed upon together to do what HE and his family wanted to do. Absurd.

Just stop embarrassing yourself.

I'm not embarrassed at all. And yeah, I'm 80. Man, you got me. Should've figured that the poster kids for millennial victimhood wouldn't get the sarcasm. OP paid for nothing. She'll be fine. Scratch that, she won't because she's still suffering in her world of one where "MY VACATIONS MATTER". But relatively, she should be ok.

Look, young PP, you can choose to value family and your relationships, or you can continue to live like you deserve a medal. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and DH, and DH has a great relationship with my family - primarily because we work at it. So you can keep making yourselves miserable over MY BIRTHDAY or you can realize that some of this 1st world drama really doesn't matter. If OP had an iota of maturity, she'd get that.

Now I'll leave you to it. I'm sure you've got some TicTok or other fun young things to attend to where you can talk about how the world has wronged you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

If her DH secretly planned a separate trip, knowing OP had already planned a family vacation to FL, sounds like respect in that marriage has been absent for a long time.
Why do you think it is ok that her DH did this, and OP should just accept it? You're saying OP should have absolutely no say in how she spends her vacation time?

And it is this overt extremism that makes this segment of the population so insufferable. No, I said that she could meet them halfway. Negotiation, my dear, is what grownups do when they are stuck in a pickle. Plus, it is not just OP's vacation time. When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide. She can spend 2-3 days with DH's family in lieu of an entire week and the remaining days at an alternative location and/or house for the remainder of the vacation. I can't imagine that OP would be pleasant for greater than 2 days anyway. She could say, DH, I know that your family means a lot to you and I don't want this to be a big deal, so let's tell them that we can only do X days? I'd imagine the relationship with OP and Dh's family is stellar but for the sake of the marriage and kids, why make it worse? The kids may love their grandparents and aunts. Crazy, I know.

Furthermore, I doubt highly that this is some covert plan by DH to muck up OP's birthday. I mean, the language by OP - "Imposing relatives on MY birthday" "It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT"- alludes to OP getting her way a lot of the time. There are likely details missing so I'll just assume that our dear Veruca has left some of those out.

Sounds like she has one week of vacation. Kinda hard to split that between DH's surprise trip to WV and the pre-planned family trip to FL. Half the time would be spent on the road.
Yeah, trust me, I know all about compromise in a marriage...been doing it for years. I just don't get why some of you seem to think that it is the woman who should be doing the compromising here, and not the man. Seems a bit misogynistic, no?

Extremist points of view again. No, it's not misogynistic in the slightest but I'm sure you'll take it there because you're offended and everything is an offense against our female dignity!! Nuance is really the name of the game and so often overlooked by the indignant posters with bullhorns. The reason OP should compromise is because DH's family made plans already to come see them and were trying to do something nice for them/her/her family, even if she views it as misguided. Plus, this is also her kids' family, and I've yet to see her mention her children, which I don't think is an accident. If the role had been reversed and OP's family had flown in, we'd ask DH to make accommodations and please recognize their efforts. Not rocket science, folks. Just common sense. And adulting.

Asking someone to go on a vacation without whining, and perhaps coming up with an "I'll meet you in the middle", is not misogyny except to the grossly misguided. Hell, if she had any negotiating skills, she could trade this vacation for a greater DH give later on down the road. Be creative, folks.

Think about it from the POV of the inlaws. If you and your extended family planned a secret week long vacation for an introverted spouse of your sibling/child and then discovered that spouse had already booked herself/himself a quiet vacation elsewhere, wouldn’t you feel bad demandng they cancel the vacation they planned themself? And if not, why would‘t you feel concerned about that person’s own wishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

If her DH secretly planned a separate trip, knowing OP had already planned a family vacation to FL, sounds like respect in that marriage has been absent for a long time.
Why do you think it is ok that her DH did this, and OP should just accept it? You're saying OP should have absolutely no say in how she spends her vacation time?

And it is this overt extremism that makes this segment of the population so insufferable. No, I said that she could meet them halfway. Negotiation, my dear, is what grownups do when they are stuck in a pickle. Plus, it is not just OP's vacation time. When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide. She can spend 2-3 days with DH's family in lieu of an entire week and the remaining days at an alternative location and/or house for the remainder of the vacation. I can't imagine that OP would be pleasant for greater than 2 days anyway. She could say, DH, I know that your family means a lot to you and I don't want this to be a big deal, so let's tell them that we can only do X days? I'd imagine the relationship with OP and Dh's family is stellar but for the sake of the marriage and kids, why make it worse? The kids may love their grandparents and aunts. Crazy, I know.

Furthermore, I doubt highly that this is some covert plan by DH to muck up OP's birthday. I mean, the language by OP - "Imposing relatives on MY birthday" "It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT"- alludes to OP getting her way a lot of the time. There are likely details missing so I'll just assume that our dear Veruca has left some of those out.

Jesus. No one is "in a pickle" (are you 80 years old)? They tried to pull a bait and switch and her husband CANCELLED THE VACATION THAT THEY HAD ALREADY BOOKED AND AGREED UPON behind her back to spend her entire week of PTO with her freaking in-laws.

And you're right, "When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide." They already DID DECIDE, together. Her husband unilaterally decided to cancel the plans that they had agreed upon together to do what HE and his family wanted to do. Absurd.

Just stop embarrassing yourself.

I'm not embarrassed at all. And yeah, I'm 80. Man, you got me. Should've figured that the poster kids for millennial victimhood wouldn't get the sarcasm. OP paid for nothing. She'll be fine. Scratch that, she won't because she's still suffering in her world of one where "MY VACATIONS MATTER". But relatively, she should be ok.

Look, young PP, you can choose to value family and your relationships, or you can continue to live like you deserve a medal. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and DH, and DH has a great relationship with my family - primarily because we work at it. So you can keep making yourselves miserable over MY BIRTHDAY or you can realize that some of this 1st world drama really doesn't matter. If OP had an iota of maturity, she'd get that.

Now I'll leave you to it. I'm sure you've got some TicTok or other fun young things to attend to where you can talk about how the world has wronged you.

Why do you demand OP be an adult but not her in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

If her DH secretly planned a separate trip, knowing OP had already planned a family vacation to FL, sounds like respect in that marriage has been absent for a long time.
Why do you think it is ok that her DH did this, and OP should just accept it? You're saying OP should have absolutely no say in how she spends her vacation time?

And it is this overt extremism that makes this segment of the population so insufferable. No, I said that she could meet them halfway. Negotiation, my dear, is what grownups do when they are stuck in a pickle. Plus, it is not just OP's vacation time. When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide. She can spend 2-3 days with DH's family in lieu of an entire week and the remaining days at an alternative location and/or house for the remainder of the vacation. I can't imagine that OP would be pleasant for greater than 2 days anyway. She could say, DH, I know that your family means a lot to you and I don't want this to be a big deal, so let's tell them that we can only do X days? I'd imagine the relationship with OP and Dh's family is stellar but for the sake of the marriage and kids, why make it worse? The kids may love their grandparents and aunts. Crazy, I know.

Furthermore, I doubt highly that this is some covert plan by DH to muck up OP's birthday. I mean, the language by OP - "Imposing relatives on MY birthday" "It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT"- alludes to OP getting her way a lot of the time. There are likely details missing so I'll just assume that our dear Veruca has left some of those out.

Sounds like she has one week of vacation. Kinda hard to split that between DH's surprise trip to WV and the pre-planned family trip to FL. Half the time would be spent on the road.
Yeah, trust me, I know all about compromise in a marriage...been doing it for years. I just don't get why some of you seem to think that it is the woman who should be doing the compromising here, and not the man. Seems a bit misogynistic, no?

Extremist points of view again. No, it's not misogynistic in the slightest but I'm sure you'll take it there because you're offended and everything is an offense against our female dignity!! Nuance is really the name of the game and so often overlooked by the indignant posters with bullhorns. The reason OP should compromise is because DH's family made plans already to come see them and were trying to do something nice for them/her/her family, even if she views it as misguided. Plus, this is also her kids' family, and I've yet to see her mention her children, which I don't think is an accident. If the role had been reversed and OP's family had flown in, we'd ask DH to make accommodations and please recognize their efforts. Not rocket science, folks. Just common sense. And adulting.

Asking someone to go on a vacation without whining, and perhaps coming up with an "I'll meet you in the middle", is not misogyny except to the grossly misguided. Hell, if she had any negotiating skills, she could trade this vacation for a greater DH give later on down the road. Be creative, folks.

Did you miss the part where OP, DH, and kids already had a vacation planned to FL? How is it "compromise" that her DH has just decided, without input from her, to change those plans, and she is supposed to just go along with it?
I'm an introvert, as OP claims to be. I love my ILs, but a week in a house with 20 of them instead of the vacation that was initially planned for my immediate family sounds like hell. Saying OP should just go along with it to keep everyone happy isn't "compromise". It is taking one for the team. Funny how it is always on the women to do this, smile, and keep our mouths shut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

If her DH secretly planned a separate trip, knowing OP had already planned a family vacation to FL, sounds like respect in that marriage has been absent for a long time.
Why do you think it is ok that her DH did this, and OP should just accept it? You're saying OP should have absolutely no say in how she spends her vacation time?

And it is this overt extremism that makes this segment of the population so insufferable. No, I said that she could meet them halfway. Negotiation, my dear, is what grownups do when they are stuck in a pickle. Plus, it is not just OP's vacation time. When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide. She can spend 2-3 days with DH's family in lieu of an entire week and the remaining days at an alternative location and/or house for the remainder of the vacation. I can't imagine that OP would be pleasant for greater than 2 days anyway. She could say, DH, I know that your family means a lot to you and I don't want this to be a big deal, so let's tell them that we can only do X days? I'd imagine the relationship with OP and Dh's family is stellar but for the sake of the marriage and kids, why make it worse? The kids may love their grandparents and aunts. Crazy, I know.

Furthermore, I doubt highly that this is some covert plan by DH to muck up OP's birthday. I mean, the language by OP - "Imposing relatives on MY birthday" "It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT"- alludes to OP getting her way a lot of the time. There are likely details missing so I'll just assume that our dear Veruca has left some of those out.

Jesus. No one is "in a pickle" (are you 80 years old)? They tried to pull a bait and switch and her husband CANCELLED THE VACATION THAT THEY HAD ALREADY BOOKED AND AGREED UPON behind her back to spend her entire week of PTO with her freaking in-laws.

And you're right, "When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide." They already DID DECIDE, together. Her husband unilaterally decided to cancel the plans that they had agreed upon together to do what HE and his family wanted to do. Absurd.

Just stop embarrassing yourself.

I'm not embarrassed at all. And yeah, I'm 80. Man, you got me. Should've figured that the poster kids for millennial victimhood wouldn't get the sarcasm. OP paid for nothing. She'll be fine. Scratch that, she won't because she's still suffering in her world of one where "MY VACATIONS MATTER". But relatively, she should be ok.

Look, young PP, you can choose to value family and your relationships, or you can continue to live like you deserve a medal. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and DH, and DH has a great relationship with my family - primarily because we work at it. So you can keep making yourselves miserable over MY BIRTHDAY or you can realize that some of this 1st world drama really doesn't matter. If OP had an iota of maturity, she'd get that.

Now I'll leave you to it. I'm sure you've got some TicTok or other fun young things to attend to where you can talk about how the world has wronged you.

Why do you demand OP be an adult but not her in-laws?

Because for any adult this is easily resolvable but OP would rather wail and moan. IN-laws may be renting a 20 person house in WV. The horror. OP and family can drive to WV without even taking a day off of work. They can leave Friday and come back Sunday. The following weekend, or whenever day, they can continue with her FL trip as planned. For anyone with any level of adult rationalization skills, this is not a difficult outcome to achieve. But you have to want to not be childish to get there.

In-laws probably want to see their kid, grandkid, and dare I say, daughter in law. They probably love them. OP should understand that as a mother. I cannot imagine the type of selfish heart that does not.

So I solved your problem pretty easily. OP could do it, but doesn't want to. Because me...

[Anonymous]

"Introverted" is such a cop out. It is used to mean that I should get my way.