Imposing relatives on MY birthday

[Anonymous]

I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

[Anonymous]

Nope, nope nope. Be stubborn on this one. They can change their dates. Agree to do something at another point in the summer. Make your plans and tell them that you and your family are not available that week. If they're offended, that's their choice. Apparently someone will have to be unhappy. On your own birthday, it shouldn't be you.

[Anonymous]

They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this.

Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. Well, I am certainly surprised. Unpleasantly surprised. Yes, call me selfish, but birthdays should be about what the birthday person wants, not what's expected of him/her. IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they wanted an excuse to have a vacation together. Can you drop in for a day or two and continue with your plans?

If not, tell them you hope they have a great time, and maybe plan another time to see them.

This was quite imposing on them on you, but hopefully it was with good intentions. If so, I'd be gentle with your decline.

[Anonymous]

I would write an email to the group thanking them for thinking of you. This is very important, even if you believe that your birthday is just an excuse for them to get together.

I would continue by telling them plainly that you prefer some quiet nuclear family time. That you are surprised that they don't know this about you after all these years. And that one solution, if they agree, is for you to join them for a couple of days to enjoy their company, after your family time with your husband and children. That way they don't need to cancel their bookings, everyone still sees each other, and you get your OWN time.

I'm an introvert and I would be offended they booked without consulting me. But you can't just say that, OP. It's not goo for your long-term relationship. You have to propose a way out of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this.

Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. Well, I am certainly surprised. Unpleasantly surprised. Yes, call me selfish, but birthdays should be about what the birthday person wants, not what's expected of him/her. IMHO.

This is called a family vacation, not a birthday surprise. Seems like they are multi-tasking and calling it your birthday, but really it's a reunion.

They will have a good time without you.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this. [/quote]

Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. Well, I am certainly surprised. Unpleasantly surprised. Yes, call me selfish, but birthdays should be about what the birthday person wants, not what's expected of him/her. IMHO.[/quote]

I am also an introvert and I would not be happy with this at all. I’m totally on your side but my question is, did your husband have any role in planning this? Did they call him to see if you guys already had plans?

For my 40th my husband (huge extrovert) wanted to throw me a huge party with all of our friends. I put my foot down and told him no. It was a nice quiet birthday with just my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they wanted an excuse to have a vacation together. Can you drop in for a day or two and continue with your plans?

If not, tell them you hope they have a great time, and maybe plan another time to see them.

This was quite imposing on them on you, but hopefully it was with good intentions. If so, I'd be gentle with your decline.

I cannot drop in for a day or two because the plan for my birthday was to go to Florida. They are renting a house in WVa. Also, why would I drop in? No one consulted me. They can't make it "oh, we wanted to come and see you on your birthday". That's not what I wanted, I didn't invite them. Even DCs know that birthdays are about what birthday people want. You may not always like it but it's their day, you go along with it, and no, b-day people are not selfish for asking one day a year to be about them and their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this.

Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. Well, I am certainly surprised. Unpleasantly surprised. Yes, call me selfish, but birthdays should be about what the birthday person wants, not what's expected of him/her. IMHO.

Spending a birthday with inlaws sounds horrible! It’s an obligation trip. Tell your DH for his birthday he gets a trip with your parents.

Seriously. He needs to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they wanted an excuse to have a vacation together. Can you drop in for a day or two and continue with your plans?

If not, tell them you hope they have a great time, and maybe plan another time to see them.

This was quite imposing on them on you, but hopefully it was with good intentions. If so, I'd be gentle with your decline.

I cannot drop in for a day or two because the plan for my birthday was to go to Florida. They are renting a house in WVa. Also, why would I drop in? No one consulted me. They can't make it "oh, we wanted to come and see you on your birthday". That's not what I wanted, I didn't invite them. Even DCs know that birthdays are about what birthday people want. You may not always like it but it's their day, you go along with it, and no, b-day people are not selfish for asking one day a year to be about them and their needs.

I would drop in on the way back. But that's just me.

[Anonymous]

This is a DH problem. He should have intervened long ago, before tickets were bought.

[Anonymous]

How about your girlfriends “surprise” you with a girls weekend in the middle of it so you do a couple nights and then bail and leave DH to deal with his family and any kids/pets you may have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they wanted an excuse to have a vacation together. Can you drop in for a day or two and continue with your plans?

If not, tell them you hope they have a great time, and maybe plan another time to see them.

This was quite imposing on them on you, but hopefully it was with good intentions. If so, I'd be gentle with your decline.

I cannot drop in for a day or two because the plan for my birthday was to go to Florida. They are renting a house in WVa. Also, why would I drop in? No one consulted me. They can't make it "oh, we wanted to come and see you on your birthday". That's not what I wanted, I didn't invite them. Even DCs know that birthdays are about what birthday people want. You may not always like it but it's their day, you go along with it, and no, b-day people are not selfish for asking one day a year to be about them and their needs.

Oh hell no! They want you to give up your vacation for an inlaw reunion??? And call it a surprise for you? Hell no. Read your husband the riot act. He’s an ass.

[Anonymous]

Just be a big girl, thank them for their thoughtfulness, and regretfully decline as you have made other plans.