Imposing relatives on MY birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who gives an eff if OP mentions her birthday? She's allowed to go where she wants, surprise or not. JFC, some you are so thick headed.

Well, a lot of people said that she shouldn’t care what she does for her birthday because she’s an adult. It was overshadowing the real issue which is that the husband wants to cancel her vacation and use up all her PTO for his family reunion. Sorry, adults get to decide how to use their scarce vacation time.

It’s such a dick move to try to frame this as a “gift” to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Husband Canceled My Vacation!

I just found out that my husband wants to cancel our family vacation and I’m so upset! We were going to stay at a hotel on right on the beach. My PTO is already approved. I work with Covid patients so I can’t emphasize enough just how much I wanted this break.

Now, back to my husband. Why does he want to cancel our Florida trip? He said he’s throwing me a surprise party as a birthday present. The vacation week overlaps with my 40th birthday. So, where is this party, you ask? West Virginia (I do not like WV.) And who is coming to this party? ZERO of my friends. ZERO of my family. ALL of my inlaws. Seriously. (My ILs are fine in small doses but they drive me a little crazy and the thought of a week trapped together in one house is giving me major anxiety.)

I finally told my husband that I’m not doing the WV trip. I’m going to Florida as planned with the kids. He can join or not. Now he’s calling ME selfish and childish for not going along with his birthday surprise! He’s saying his sister already bought tickets to fly out and is laying major guilt. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable? Should I suck it up? Note that we were going to drive to Florida and I only have a week of PTO so it’s logistically impossible to do both.

Is this OP or someone else trying to summarize the situation without the weight of birthday thrown in?

I’m not the OP, but I wrote the summary above with all the same facts without the birthday focus. It’s clear OP is very offended by her husband trying to paint him pressuring her to cancel her vacation as a “birthday gift.”

[Anonymous]

Hold your ground OP.

You and the husband need to work this out - meaning he goes to the family and admits he made a mistake and takes it on the chin and goes to FL with you and your nuclear family. Very important that he puts the onus on him for this 'mix up' with the family. Personally, I would step out of it and stop communicating about the subject with the in laws, you've said all you needed to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

I agree with your dh. Your sound like a spoiled 3 year old. Poor dh.

[Anonymous]

I think the husband sounds like a spoiled 3 year old. I’m sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the husband sounds like a spoiled 3 year old. I’m sorry OP.

+1. OP, can you please come back and give us an update? This is for the DH to solve and deal with his boundaryless family. I also suspect that the OP’s DH doesn’t like his own family and was hoping to use the OP as a buffer in dealing with them.

[Anonymous]

I would bet a million that OPs in laws called DH letting him know that they were planning a big family reunion this summer and renting a house. He probably responded that his family couldn’t go because of the Florida vacation using all the PTO. They probably pushed and he tried saying he couldn’t cancel because it’s your birthday so they then said they’ll do it the week of your birthday and it will be a big surprise party for you. He had then run out of steam saying no to them and gave in.

This is the type of classic obnoxious behavior that pushy relatives do. In their mind, they don’t hear no. They hear you really want to do it their way but there is a problem in the way. It’s their job to help find solutions to help get you to yes.

OP stand your ground. The PTO thing is perfect at alleviating any guilt your DH May have because it’s not as if you could have gone anyway if it was a different date. My guess is that SIL is lying anyway about buying tickets. This is another textbook move to not accept no.

You and your family should go enjoy your vacation and they can all enjoy West Virginia together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would bet a million that OPs in laws called DH letting him know that they were planning a big family reunion this summer and renting a house. He probably responded that his family couldn’t go because of the Florida vacation using all the PTO. They probably pushed and he tried saying he couldn’t cancel because it’s your birthday so they then said they’ll do it the week of your birthday and it will be a big surprise party for you. He had then run out of steam saying no to them and gave in.

This is the type of classic obnoxious behavior that pushy relatives do. In their mind, they don’t hear no. They hear you really want to do it their way but there is a problem in the way. It’s their job to help find solutions to help get you to yes.

OP stand your ground. The PTO thing is perfect at alleviating any guilt your DH May have because it’s not as if you could have gone anyway if it was a different date. My guess is that SIL is lying anyway about buying tickets. This is another textbook move to not accept no.

You and your family should go enjoy your vacation and they can all enjoy West Virginia together.

You nailed it. This is exactly what happened.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I solved the problem myself. I called MIL last night and explained where I stand. Everyone wants something special for their birthdays. For MIL, it means gathering her family around, and we always oblige. One of my SILs loves tea parties for her birthday, with dresses and everything. We also oblige, even though several of us have boys who are hardly into fancy tea parties in the garden. For my birthday, I want to be with my immediate family. It is a simple request. She said SHE understood but it all came down to her other kids, that "they would be hurt". Well, it is not about them, it is about me. Vacationing with many people in the house is not my idea of a "good time". Once a year we are allowed to be selfish. Especially in this current health crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the husband sounds like a spoiled 3 year old. I’m sorry OP.

+1. OP, can you please come back and give us an update? This is for the DH to solve and deal with his boundaryless family. I also suspect that the OP’s DH doesn’t like his own family and was hoping to use the OP as a buffer in dealing with them.

He likes some of them. For example, he likes one sister but not the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I solved the problem myself. I called MIL last night and explained where I stand. Everyone wants something special for their birthdays. For MIL, it means gathering her family around, and we always oblige. One of my SILs loves tea parties for her birthday, with dresses and everything. We also oblige, even though several of us have boys who are hardly into fancy tea parties in the garden. For my birthday, I want to be with my immediate family. It is a simple request. She said SHE understood but it all came down to her other kids, that "they would be hurt". Well, it is not about them, it is about me. Vacationing with many people in the house is not my idea of a "good time". Once a year we are allowed to be selfish. Especially in this current health crisis.

Good for you OP!

Though your husband really deserves a good talking to about making plans like this behind your back. He should be your biggest advocate in his family, not throwing you under the bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I solved the problem myself. I called MIL last night and explained where I stand. Everyone wants something special for their birthdays. For MIL, it means gathering her family around, and we always oblige. One of my SILs loves tea parties for her birthday, with dresses and everything. We also oblige, even though several of us have boys who are hardly into fancy tea parties in the garden. For my birthday, I want to be with my immediate family. It is a simple request. She said SHE understood but it all came down to her other kids, that "they would be hurt". Well, it is not about them, it is about me. Vacationing with many people in the house is not my idea of a "good time". Once a year we are allowed to be selfish. Especially in this current health crisis.

Good for you OP!

Though your husband really deserves a good talking to about making plans like this behind your back. He should be your biggest advocate in his family, not throwing you under the bus.

Nice that you have relationship with MIL that could make the call, but curious, did DH apologize to you? Has he already or will he apologize to his family or is he leaving it all on you? No fun for you if he's leaving you to "take the blame" no matter how this all came to be, but especially no fun for you if up until now he's been telling his family of course we'll come, how much fun, she'll love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I solved the problem myself. I called MIL last night and explained where I stand. Everyone wants something special for their birthdays. For MIL, it means gathering her family around, and we always oblige. One of my SILs loves tea parties for her birthday, with dresses and everything. We also oblige, even though several of us have boys who are hardly into fancy tea parties in the garden. For my birthday, I want to be with my immediate family. It is a simple request. She said SHE understood but it all came down to her other kids, that "they would be hurt". Well, it is not about them, it is about me. Vacationing with many people in the house is not my idea of a "good time". Once a year we are allowed to be selfish. Especially in this current health crisis.

Good for you OP!

Though your husband really deserves a good talking to about making plans like this behind your back. He should be your biggest advocate in his family, not throwing you under the bus.

Nice that you have relationship with MIL that could make the call, but curious, did DH apologize to you? Has he already or will he apologize to his family or is he leaving it all on you? No fun for you if he's leaving you to "take the blame" no matter how this all came to be, but especially no fun for you if up until now he's been telling his family of course we'll come, how much fun, she'll love it!

Her other “hurt” kids can all still get together! Just not using you as their reason/ excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I solved the problem myself. I called MIL last night and explained where I stand. Everyone wants something special for their birthdays. For MIL, it means gathering her family around, and we always oblige. One of my SILs loves tea parties for her birthday, with dresses and everything. We also oblige, even though several of us have boys who are hardly into fancy tea parties in the garden. For my birthday, I want to be with my immediate family. It is a simple request. She said SHE understood but it all came down to her other kids, that "they would be hurt". Well, it is not about them, it is about me. Vacationing with many people in the house is not my idea of a "good time". Once a year we are allowed to be selfish. Especially in this current health crisis.

Bravo.

Now go enjoy yourself and happy birthday!

[Anonymous]

Another thread ruined by the delusional, projecting bullies. It's so tiresome.

OP, go to FL with your kids and enjoy your birthday.