Imposing relatives on MY birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Stand your ground OP! Do not use all your PTO on his family reunion.

In case you don’t hear this enough, I just wanted to say that you matter. Your needs matter and your wants matter too.

She literally has people flying in to see her but is to selfish to recognize that.

Please. They’re flying in to see her husband and children.

These are her inlaws, they’re polite to each other but they don’t get along well and they kind of drive her crazy. Her husband knows this. What happened is her husband wanted to plan a trip to see his family. Unfortunately his vacation time was tied up with OP’s Florida trip. He tried to be manipulative and passive aggressive by deciding to cancel their vacation so he could have his family reunion and call it a birthday party. This is cruel abd wrong on so many levels.

+1. Disregard anything about OP’s birthday. Is this still OK to dictate someone’s summer time and PTO? No way.

[Anonymous]

OP, what does your DH say about this and knowing you already had plans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know a single person who would want to spend a week with their in laws for their birthday. I mean it’s not even HER family.
I can’t believe your husband didn’t say no when something was already planned to Florida. W. T. F.?

I love my inlaws. I love my family. I don't want to spend a solid week with either of them! A couple days, sure. A whole week? Hell no. Birthday stuff doesn't even factor in. If I have a solid week off I want to spend it with my husband and kids. I'll spare 2 or 3 days for other family or friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

If her DH secretly planned a separate trip, knowing OP had already planned a family vacation to FL, sounds like respect in that marriage has been absent for a long time.
Why do you think it is ok that her DH did this, and OP should just accept it? You're saying OP should have absolutely no say in how she spends her vacation time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

Yeah. How many men do you know who spend their birthday going on a week long trip with his mother in law? Oh yeah, and zero of his friends or family can come.

That sounds insane right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does your DH say about this and knowing you already had plans?

I want to know, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

If her DH secretly planned a separate trip, knowing OP had already planned a family vacation to FL, sounds like respect in that marriage has been absent for a long time.
Why do you think it is ok that her DH did this, and OP should just accept it? You're saying OP should have absolutely no say in how she spends her vacation time?

And it is this overt extremism that makes this segment of the population so insufferable. No, I said that she could meet them halfway. Negotiation, my dear, is what grownups do when they are stuck in a pickle. Plus, it is not just OP's vacation time. When you travel as a family, the vacation is joint so she alone does not decide. She can spend 2-3 days with DH's family in lieu of an entire week and the remaining days at an alternative location and/or house for the remainder of the vacation. I can't imagine that OP would be pleasant for greater than 2 days anyway. She could say, DH, I know that your family means a lot to you and I don't want this to be a big deal, so let's tell them that we can only do X days? I'd imagine the relationship with OP and Dh's family is stellar but for the sake of the marriage and kids, why make it worse? The kids may love their grandparents and aunts. Crazy, I know.

Furthermore, I doubt highly that this is some covert plan by DH to muck up OP's birthday. I mean, the language by OP - "Imposing relatives on MY birthday" "It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT"- alludes to OP getting her way a lot of the time. There are likely details missing so I'll just assume that our dear Veruca has left some of those out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Your response comes off as childish and selfish. Your requests are a bit unreasonable - the whole week is about you? ANd your birthday wishes?

It was with good intention. ANd for people who are extroverted (like your ILs) THIS is a good idea and they assume you would like it too. SUre, you may know yourself and recoginize you're an introvert. That's fine, but not everyone around does. In fact, it's hard to recognize it in other people especially if you always put on a smile, go through the motions of being polite, appear gracious and friendly, and the like.

Surely, there will be chunks of time for just me-time, time with kids & DH, and the like so you can re-charge. No?

Can you get DH to ask your IL to babysit the kids one night while you and DH go out for the day together? Will ILs take you out for a nice dinner ? Can you make your birthday wishes known on your actual bday "I want to sleep late, leisurely shower, coffee and pastry in peace, read my book, spend a few hours with kids, and go out to XYZ restuarant for dinner"?

It doesn't matter if it was "with good intention." They committed her to spend a week in a house with her in-laws for her own birthday. LOL. No.

OP, say no. Stand your ground. Your husband and his family are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

Yeah. How many men do you know who spend their birthday going on a week long trip with his mother in law? Oh yeah, and zero of his friends or family can come.

That sounds insane right?

How old are you people? I'm not married to a blathering frat boy so I know one, yeah. DH takes trips with my family all the time, and I take trips to visit his overseas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Your response comes off as childish and selfish. Your requests are a bit unreasonable - the whole week is about you? ANd your birthday wishes?

It was with good intention. ANd for people who are extroverted (like your ILs) THIS is a good idea and they assume you would like it too. SUre, you may know yourself and recoginize you're an introvert. That's fine, but not everyone around does. In fact, it's hard to recognize it in other people especially if you always put on a smile, go through the motions of being polite, appear gracious and friendly, and the like.

Surely, there will be chunks of time for just me-time, time with kids & DH, and the like so you can re-charge. No?

Can you get DH to ask your IL to babysit the kids one night while you and DH go out for the day together? Will ILs take you out for a nice dinner ? Can you make your birthday wishes known on your actual bday "I want to sleep late, leisurely shower, coffee and pastry in peace, read my book, spend a few hours with kids, and go out to XYZ restuarant for dinner"?

No. Absolutely none of this. OP, tell your husband that he is welcome to go to WV with his family. You will be going to Florida.

THIS. And don't buy into this BS societal conditioning of "well, you just have to go along with it now, because it will hurt their little fee-fees (not that they considered for a moment how you might feel about spending a week with your in-laws without ever being asked)." Women are conditioned to placate everyone else and be doormats. You don't have to agree to be a doormat. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

I have been thinking about this, and I think the OP should tell her DH that she is not going to WV, and she expects her DH to join her and the kids, in Florida, as planned. The inlaws can still enjoy their week together and her DH will learn to respect her wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Stand your ground OP! Do not use all your PTO on his family reunion.

In case you don’t hear this enough, I just wanted to say that you matter. Your needs matter and your wants matter too.

She literally has people flying in to see her but is to selfish to recognize that.

They are flying in to see each other using her birthday as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turning a big 4-0 this summer. I don't like huge birthday parties, I am an introvert, which is known to everyone or so I thought. I wanted a quiet getaway with just DH and our 2 DCs. Lo' and behold, MIL let it slip that she and DH' siblings plan to rent a HOUSE (!) for the week of my birthday so that we can celebrate it as a family. That'll be 20 people in one, albeit big, house. This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets.

They are nice people but I don't care to spend a week with them. I can tolerate them for a few hours but I don't need them around me all week. It is my birthday and I want to spend it the way I WANT. DH thinks this sounds "childish" and "selfish" and that his family is going out of their way to be with me on this day. They apparently think I will feel lonely, which I won't. How can I get through to these people? Shouldn't a person be able to have a voice as to how he wants to spend his own birthday?

LOL. The text above reads more like it was written by a 16 year old than a 40 year old. Seriously? This sounds incredibly childish. Think long term. Is it worth damaging any future family relationships over your behavior here? Just be gracious, smile and say thank you. All lessons that some of us missed in elementary school. You can do your low key celebration the week before. Pretend like you care about DH and his family. It's hard but helps keep a marriage whole.

Yeah, I know....but what about me, me, me, the posters sing in chorus.

Really?

I think there must be some trolls on here. I can’t believe anyone would happily not only give up their vacation but also burn through their PTO for this.

She’s had a stressful year and was looking forward to taking a vacation. Her husband canceled it. You’d just smile and say “Thanks honey!”

Jesus, she's not the only person on this planet who has had a stressful year. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS. Her DH has had a stressful year. DH's family has had a stressful year. Their neighbors have had a stressful year. What is so egregious here is how unaccommodating OP is. Sometimes we give and take. If OP's family had planned a visit, she would beg and plead with her DH to come along for the ride, be friendly and do all the things that she wanted him to do. But in the reverse situation, she cannot offer any level of grace - particularly not one becoming of a 40 yr old woman. I have no idea how marriages survive when spouses cannot show a modicum of respect for the people that their DH/DW love in this world. It's unreal.


In adult world, OP would meet her DH half way on this. She would recognize that his family tried (but may have failed) to do something nice for them. She'd meet them halfway recognizing that they did not act maliciously. This is a vacation. She can go for a few days, be nice to the family that she likely hasn't seen and, more importantly, her DH also hasn't seen. No wonder marriages and in-law relationships end so badly. Good luck with that marriage, OP.

Yeah. How many men do you know who spend their birthday going on a week long trip with his mother in law? Oh yeah, and zero of his friends or family can come.

That sounds insane right?

How old are you people? I'm not married to a blathering frat boy so I know one, yeah. DH takes trips with my family all the time, and I take trips to visit his overseas.

Way to avoid the question! Your DH cancels his vacation to spend his birthday week with your family? Really? That’s happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this.

Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. Well, I am certainly surprised. Unpleasantly surprised. Yes, call me selfish, but birthdays should be about what the birthday person wants, not what's expected of him/her. IMHO.

You are 40 years old and having a tantrum over something nice someone wants to do for you. You are an adult, your birthday is really not that big of a deal. See this as what it is - family being kind to you - and celebrate your birthday with your husband and children the following weekend. It's just a day, and seriously, you are a grown woman, act like it.

A week in a house in a place she didn't want to go with her IN-LAWS is not "something nice." It is selfishness on their part. They wanted a family gathering and just threw her birthday in so they could pretend it was a "surprise" so (they thought) she couldn't say no. Again, front line worker, limited time off. A full week of her limited vacation time. No. Just No.

Who ARE you people defending this? Are you terrible boundary-lacking in-laws?