Imposing relatives on MY birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who gives an eff if OP mentions her birthday? She's allowed to go where she wants, surprise or not. JFC, some you are so thick headed.

Well, a lot of people said that she shouldn’t care what she does for her birthday because she’s an adult. It was overshadowing the real issue which is that the husband wants to cancel her vacation and use up all her PTO for his family reunion. Sorry, adults get to decide how to use their scarce vacation time.

It’s such a dick move to try to frame this as a “gift” to OP.

Yes. It's not a gift if you can't refuse it -- that's an obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thread ruined by the delusional, projecting bullies. It's so tiresome.

OP, go to FL with your kids and enjoy your birthday.

Yep.

Glad it worked out OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I solved the problem myself. I called MIL last night and explained where I stand. Everyone wants something special for their birthdays. For MIL, it means gathering her family around, and we always oblige. One of my SILs loves tea parties for her birthday, with dresses and everything. We also oblige, even though several of us have boys who are hardly into fancy tea parties in the garden. For my birthday, I want to be with my immediate family. It is a simple request. She said SHE understood but it all came down to her other kids, that "they would be hurt". Well, it is not about them, it is about me. Vacationing with many people in the house is not my idea of a "good time". Once a year we are allowed to be selfish. Especially in this current health crisis.

Good for you! Glad you made it happen.

[Anonymous]

Glad to hear you solved it, OP. I’m still quite curious about your DH’s thought process. Did he realize this trip would mean you need to cancel the FL trip? Did he push back on the IL’a idea at all? Did he think you would prefer the WV trip to the vacation in FL? If your husband were to write a DCUM post on his pickle, what would it say?

[Anonymous]

Just don't go. Take your own vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this.

Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. Well, I am certainly surprised. Unpleasantly surprised. Yes, call me selfish, but birthdays should be about what the birthday person wants, not what's expected of him/her. IMHO.

DP. It is a birthday, not a coronation. Grow up. You're going to be 40 and you should see that it is just a day like any other day.

I agree with the first poster that your husband was obviously involved in this up to his eyeballs. If you're going to be angry with anyone then it should be him. Your inlaws were just along for the ride.

If you absolutely must throw a tantrum then arrive the day AFTER your birthday so you can celebrate your Birthday Queen status by yourself like you want to. Jeez.

Op doesn't have to be a martyr to a "vacation" she doesn't want. Both my family and my dh's family are like this. They would make plans and just us when they were showing up at our house or when we were going on vacation to meet them. I would NEVER do this to someone else particularly on my birthday. It isn't a coronation but on that day, I'm not going to allow someone else to make me miserable. My dh and I were embarassingly old when we finally stood up to this bs. We didn't have much vacation and having it taken over by people we didn't want to spend that much time with was miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a DH problem. He should have intervened long ago, before tickets were bought.

100% this.

My DH knows WAY BETTER than this!!! Even people who have a great relationship with their inlaws don't want to spend milestone birthdays with them!!!

This is all his fault. He needs to be the one to say HE MESSED UP and that you had already made plans, which he knew about and forgot, and he will cover the canceled tickets/change fees etc.

I’ve spent many birthdays, holidays and weeks with my in-laws. I try to get along with everyone.

You get TWO cookies since you're so much more grown up. Go away. I can't stand people trying to stop someone from speaking up about what they want. Her dh's family doesn't get to force these decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be the dissenting opinion here and say that I think OP is acting like a petulant child with the "MY birthday week" garbage. It always rubs me the wrong way when an adult acts like their birthday is this huge holiday and they should get whatever their heart desires. All you did to deserve that day is be born.

+1 -- just politely decline and move on. Adults who think they get a birthday week and it's a holy holiday are ridiculous.

I agree with this, generally. But, that doesn't mean that her DH should plan a family reunion - his family reunion! - for the week she has a trip already scheduled as a "surprise" for her. That's absurd.

Perhaps I'm a bigger ass than many of you, but I would just say, "I'm not doing that."

This is what my inlaws were like. I think it bothered them that we took vacations at all so if they knew we were planning one, they would try to invite themselves but then also take it over by changing everthing about the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope OP returns and tells us if DH knew about the week in WV.

DH confessed that he was involved in the planning, this was supposed to be a surprise. 'It's so hard to get everyone together, we can go to Florida any time'.

I told him I am taking DCs and going to FL to celebrate my day. If he wants to come - great. If he'd rather spend time with his parents and siblings - fine too. I don't get a ton of leave, I am a frontline worker. Once a year I want my birthday to be about ME, not about someone else's feelings.

If my spouse planned a birthday party for me and people spent a lot of money making it happen, it would be world war 3 in my house if I refused to show up. I wouldn't do that to my spouse, but if I did, it would not go over at all.

They spent some money for a reunion. Not a birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should divorce your husband. It sounds like you don't like him or his family. I feel bad for your kids.

I feel bad for your kids. You're one of those mils, aren't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope OP returns and tells us if DH knew about the week in WV.

DH confessed that he was involved in the planning, this was supposed to be a surprise. 'It's so hard to get everyone together, we can go to Florida any time'.

I told him I am taking DCs and going to FL to celebrate my day. If he wants to come - great. If he'd rather spend time with his parents and siblings - fine too. I don't get a ton of leave, I am a frontline worker. Once a year I want my birthday to be about ME, not about someone else's feelings.

If my spouse planned a birthday party for me and people spent a lot of money making it happen, it would be world war 3 in my house if I refused to show up. I wouldn't do that to my spouse, but if I did, it would not go over at all.

Yeah this is all bad.

What I would do is first plead with dh to fix the problem (by that, I mean get us out of it). If it's just impossible, or If I'm satisfied that wwIII would break out if we cancelled completely, I would go along to get along, but only for one or two nights. I'd save the rest of my paid leave time for a florida trip later in the year ( or sometime soon).

I could see this happening in my family and this is how I'd handle it.

are you a child? I am an adult and I do not plead with my dh to resolve things. yuck.