Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

It 99.9% has to do with HIM. The majority come from dysfunctional families with cheating fathers and often absent mothers. Period. This comes out in midlife.

I’ve never heard the “absent mother,” thing, ever. This is all depressing. How can such a person have an otherwise extremely high marital satisfaction score? It makes no sense!

Absent in a sense that she checked out after the affair/alcohol and divorce from depression. Kid gets by by turning into an intense perfectionist and pleaser.

But, midlife that need for validation and love and all the other screwed upness from that childhood comes out.

His mom never came to any sports' games or school events. Dad was going through a series of hos. Somehow he ended up top of class and highly successful and got the f. out determined to be different...which is why he found a partner from a very stable and loving family. He lived it for awhile until the age his firstborn was when his own life fell apart and dad left in elementary and mom sunk into a depression and later self-centeredness.

NP here. This is...a very specific example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

It 99.9% has to do with HIM. The majority come from dysfunctional families with cheating fathers and often absent mothers. Period. This comes out in midlife.

I’ve never heard the “absent mother,” thing, ever. This is all depressing. How can such a person have an otherwise extremely high marital satisfaction score? It makes no sense!

Absent in a sense that she checked out after the affair/alcohol and divorce from depression. Kid gets by by turning into an intense perfectionist and pleaser.

But, midlife that need for validation and love and all the other screwed upness from that childhood comes out.

His mom never came to any sports' games or school events. Dad was going through a series of hos. Somehow he ended up top of class and highly successful and got the f. out determined to be different...which is why he found a partner from a very stable and loving family. He lived it for awhile until the age his firstborn was when his own life fell apart and dad left in elementary and mom sunk into a depression and later self-centeredness.

Are you the poster with the perfect DH but for his affair, who keeps threatening to ruin the OWs 50th birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

It 99.9% has to do with HIM. The majority come from dysfunctional families with cheating fathers and often absent mothers. Period. This comes out in midlife.

I’ve never heard the “absent mother,” thing, ever. This is all depressing. How can such a person have an otherwise extremely high marital satisfaction score? It makes no sense!

Absent in a sense that she checked out after the affair/alcohol and divorce from depression. Kid gets by by turning into an intense perfectionist and pleaser.

But, midlife that need for validation and love and all the other screwed upness from that childhood comes out.

His mom never came to any sports' games or school events. Dad was going through a series of hos. Somehow he ended up top of class and highly successful and got the f. out determined to be different...which is why he found a partner from a very stable and loving family. He lived it for awhile until the age his firstborn was when his own life fell apart and dad left in elementary and mom sunk into a depression and later self-centeredness.

Are you the poster with the perfect DH but for his affair, who keeps threatening to ruin the OWs 50th birthday?

Huh? No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

No kids. He's gone immediately.

Kids in the picture. I would dig deep and try to see if anything was salvageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

It 99.9% has to do with HIM. The majority come from dysfunctional families with cheating fathers and often absent mothers. Period. This comes out in midlife.

What is an absent mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Betrayed women should support one another. Everyone makes the choice that is best for themselves and their children.

You all should respect one another.

And if you have never been betrayed before (or just don’t know it), STFU.

Instead they like to put one another down.

Bravo, sisterhood! Way to go women.

Is Hillary a weak woman?

Choice. Respect their choices.

You really have to. Condemning women that stay happens more often than applauding women that leave. Hillary and Beyonce both wrote and talked about that. Society looked down upon them for not leaving. That's wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

It 99.9% has to do with HIM. The majority come from dysfunctional families with cheating fathers and often absent mothers. Period. This comes out in midlife.

What is an absent mother?

BPD or narcissist. Only into her needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

It 99.9% has to do with HIM. The majority come from dysfunctional families with cheating fathers and often absent mothers. Period. This comes out in midlife.

I’ve never heard the “absent mother,” thing, ever. This is all depressing. How can such a person have an otherwise extremely high marital satisfaction score? It makes no sense!

Absent in a sense that she checked out after the affair/alcohol and divorce from depression. Kid gets by by turning into an intense perfectionist and pleaser.

But, midlife that need for validation and love and all the other screwed upness from that childhood comes out.

His mom never came to any sports' games or school events. Dad was going through a series of hos. Somehow he ended up top of class and highly successful and got the f. out determined to be different...which is why he found a partner from a very stable and loving family. He lived it for awhile until the age his firstborn was when his own life fell apart and dad left in elementary and mom sunk into a depression and later self-centeredness.

Are you the poster with the perfect DH but for his affair, who keeps threatening to ruin the OWs 50th birthday?

Huh? No

There’s a woman who posts that ^^ a lot, believe it or don’t. You’re not coming across like a therapist if that’s your profession. To be honest though the thread is confusing, and there are people seeing to offer a lot of supposed expertise in a weird way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

Most pps are ignoring the above completely. It's very easy to make it about you and your scorn and f*ck him and her and DIVORCE asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

It 99.9% has to do with HIM. The majority come from dysfunctional families with cheating fathers and often absent mothers. Period. This comes out in midlife.

Ding ding. My STBXH is exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do more work than him to fix the marriage. He broke it, he needs to be the one to fix it.

+1

He should be working double time. He should be doing everything around the house and with the kids to take the burden off of you right now. He should be finding the therapist and initiating his own healing and he should be remorseful. He should be getting STD tested and a vasectomy and offer you a post-nuptial agreement. It’s a risk for you to stay with someone like this so he needs to do everything possible and be as transparent as he can.

Agree with all of this.

There is a list at 'surviving infidelity' of the no-gos from the start. Complete transparency from here out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.