Reply to Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.[/quote]

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first. [/quote]

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far?  Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter.  Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school?  Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.[/quote]

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone.  If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb.  Love and well-being of kids changes everything.[/quote]

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.[/quote]

That's what you are MISSING.  Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery.  They can still be happy.  One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce.  However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does.  Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.[/quote]

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness.  I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.[/quote]

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