Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

Whatever you need to tell yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do more work than him to fix the marriage. He broke it, he needs to be the one to fix it.

+1

He should be working double time. He should be doing everything around the house and with the kids to take the burden off of you right now. He should be finding the therapist and initiating his own healing and he should be remorseful. He should be getting STD tested and a vasectomy and offer you a post-nuptial agreement. It’s a risk for you to stay with someone like this so he needs to do everything possible and be as transparent as he can.

Agree with all of this.

There is a list at 'surviving infidelity' of the no-gos from the start. Complete transparency from here out.

And yes like a preforming animal he'll do just what is expected until you look away. How long do you want to track this person and check up on them. They are broken and you'll spend a life time in misery. And I get many women need the other income and insurance to make it in the world. Thats a big one, but move on and don't let him know. You can stay married and do that, I've had friends that pretended to forgive when it was quite the opposite. They simply became very good poker players, and the joke was on the cheater at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

Whatever you need to tell yourself.

I'm sure she can tell as a mother whether her kids are happy and thriving in their home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

True but that has nothing to do with infidelity... could be 1 spouse is OCD, or has general anxiety disorder or has problems keeping a job ..ADHD. Do you recommend divorce in that situation too or do you say, I’d let my H try to get therapy 1st.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

Whatever you need to tell yourself.

I'm sure she can tell as a mother whether her kids are happy and thriving in their home.

The blended family hasn't worked. Second marriages divorce at 70% so that unhappiness factor is pretty high.

Who wants steps and half kids around not to mention new inlaws, ex inlaws and it's a big mess. Sometimes divorce has to happen, but one must be realistic to that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

True but that has nothing to do with infidelity... could be 1 spouse is OCD, or has general anxiety disorder or has problems keeping a job ..ADHD. Do you recommend divorce in that situation too or do you say, I’d let my H try to get therapy 1st.

I guess I’d have to ask you if f-ing someone else falls under the “sickness and health” part of the marriage vows. I think it’s disingenuous to pretend that having an extramarital affair is comparable to putting up with a spouse’s ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.

You really don’t understand happiness nor do you understand infidelity.

You actually sound like an AP or former AP that just can’t fathom being happy and cheating and still have to convince yourself they are unhappy to live with the fact he stayed, dumped you and loves his wife.

[Anonymous]

I am the sort of naive poster asking about how length of affair matters: if he’s madly trying to maintain contact for sex and seeks it more than a few times a year, isn’t that not forgivable? I’m confused by what actual therapists would recommend we take as evidence of feelings, because the DH is a lying liar!! And how can the same kind person be so monstrous that he can treat his skank like a skank and not like a real person??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.

You really don’t understand happiness nor do you understand infidelity.

You actually sound like an AP or former AP that just can’t fathom being happy and cheating and still have to convince yourself they are unhappy to live with the fact he stayed, dumped you and loves his wife.

DP but you sound like a betrayed wife who is really fooling herself and living with someone who has no true respect for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.

You really don’t understand happiness nor do you understand infidelity.

You actually sound like an AP or former AP that just can’t fathom being happy and cheating and still have to convince yourself they are unhappy to live with the fact he stayed, dumped you and loves his wife.

NP here. Have you cheated, or been cheated upon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

True but that has nothing to do with infidelity... could be 1 spouse is OCD, or has general anxiety disorder or has problems keeping a job ..ADHD. Do you recommend divorce in that situation too or do you say, I’d let my H try to get therapy 1st.

I guess I’d have to ask you if f-ing someone else falls under the “sickness and health” part of the marriage vows. I think it’s disingenuous to pretend that having an extramarital affair is comparable to putting up with a spouse’s ADHD.

I don’t believe in vows... maybe it falls under love, honor and cherish and you immediately divorce.

A person must remove their ego from the situation and take an inventory on what is best for her and her children. Maybe the H is abusive and cheating is part of the abuse and they need to get away from him. Maybe he is just an imperfect human that made a mistake and because of some unresolved issues inside him needs to get help and can be a fully supportive and loving/trusting H.

Maybe somebody with ADHD refuses to get help , has anger outbursts and is emotionally abusive... so what sickness and Heath... not relevant, get a divorce But if they work hard to meditate, be kind but are still forgetful and a bit annoying... you might tough it out.

Neither is better or worse. Neither is stay and the other go.

It’s just not that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.

You really don’t understand happiness nor do you understand infidelity.

You actually sound like an AP or former AP that just can’t fathom being happy and cheating and still have to convince yourself they are unhappy to live with the fact he stayed, dumped you and loves his wife.

NP here. Have you cheated, or been cheated upon?

I kissed my best friends boyfriend when I was 16, does that count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the sort of naive poster asking about how length of affair matters: if he’s madly trying to maintain contact for sex and seeks it more than a few times a year, isn’t that not forgivable? I’m confused by what actual therapists would recommend we take as evidence of feelings, because the DH is a lying liar!! And how can the same kind person be so monstrous that he can treat his skank like a skank and not like a real person??

Hey, sorry you’re dealing with this. I just want to say you should not believe anyone on this thread calling themselves a therapist...anyone can say that anonymously on the Internet. Please find yourself a qualified therapist to speak with. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.

You really don’t understand happiness nor do you understand infidelity.

You actually sound like an AP or former AP that just can’t fathom being happy and cheating and still have to convince yourself they are unhappy to live with the fact he stayed, dumped you and loves his wife.

NP here. Have you cheated, or been cheated upon?

I kissed my best friends boyfriend when I was 16, does that count.

Lol, yes you HARLOT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.

You really don’t understand happiness nor do you understand infidelity.

You actually sound like an AP or former AP that just can’t fathom being happy and cheating and still have to convince yourself they are unhappy to live with the fact he stayed, dumped you and loves his wife.

DP but you sound like a betrayed wife who is really fooling herself and living with someone who has no true respect for her.

Nope. I just don’t live in a black and white world. But the AP comment was right on target I see.

I also know my spouse is human and hell maybe their was infidelity, maybe there will be in the future. Nobody has a crystal ball and I did not track their very move.