Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ if she’s giving it away for free and he’s not having to put much of any effort into it to keep the supply coming and not to mention no $, its pretty much a perfect arrangement for him.

He gets high in her wooing over him. It fills his narcissistic need for validation. He likes the way he is mirrored in her eyes.

[Anonymous]

All of you women who've been cheated on would be healthier and be raising children in a healthier environment if you divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

[Anonymous]

PP again, having said that. A woman I really admire divorced her husband of 20+ years when he had a mid-life affair. He then realized he had made a terrible mistake and begged her to come back. When she decide to re-marry him, she did so and does not mention the affair anymore. It's behind them. But divorcing him was very important. None of you should be staying married.

[Anonymous]

PP of 16:24

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EGO is such a bad thing ... it makes us stay and go for the wrong reason.

I would never be that girl... EGO
I will stay and keep it a secret so nobody knows... EGO

If these are your reasons for staying or going they are based in EGO and it is a bad reason to stay or go.

The EGO sometimes is related directly to your core values.

For instance, saying you would never stay with a cheater is not ego, but because you value monogamy/marriage vows/honesty and anyone that breaks that is not somebody you could ever imagine yourself being with.

Now say 20-years later spouse cheats, it's not really EGO but your values and life view that have been rocked. It takes a lot to get over that. You feel like you are betraying yourself and everything you believed in in life to forgive and stay with a cheater. It's really hard to fathom. But, yes, I get that it can be for the wrong reason people leave and often out of anger. This is why individual therapy is needed and time, time to really look at the big picture and how you see your future---future for you, your kids, etc. It really comes down to what the cheater does though. What type of effort and are they sincere? Are they committed? Are they truly up for digging deep and changing what led to the behavior. Alcohol and sex are often used by men to treat underlying/untreated depression, more often than therapy or anti-depressants. It's a fix, but it ends up making their lives worse overall and they end up hating themselves down the road.

This, and my protecting my health and the health of my children is not "ego", it's "safety".

[Anonymous]

So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you women who've been cheated on would be healthier and be raising children in a healthier environment if you divorced.

Do you know what their home life is actually like? It's a fallacy it only happens with shitty fathers and bad marriages.

The kids are better off in a stable, healthy environment...and that might just be where they already are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

It 99.9% has to do with HIM. The majority come from dysfunctional families with cheating fathers and often absent mothers. Period. This comes out in midlife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again, having said that. A woman I really admire divorced her husband of 20+ years when he had a mid-life affair. He then realized he had made a terrible mistake and begged her to come back. When she decide to re-marry him, she did so and does not mention the affair anymore. It's behind them. But divorcing him was very important. None of you should be staying married.

You can get that without divorce, btw. Some throw their husbands out for a time without actually divorcing. Neighbor threw him out the day after she find out--he nearly killed himself and was nearly committed. He was incredibly remorseful and moved back into the basement 2 weeks later. Over time, he slowly gained her trust.

Some men get to the place he did--the begging, therapy and crying and pleading and doing anything immediately after disclosure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

It 99.9% has to do with HIM. The majority come from dysfunctional families with cheating fathers and often absent mothers. Period. This comes out in midlife.

I’ve never heard the “absent mother,” thing, ever. This is all depressing. How can such a person have an otherwise extremely high marital satisfaction score? It makes no sense!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

Yeah, for women who have no income or depend significantly on their husbands in this way, it makes more sense to look in the other direction.

For women who are not dependent in this way, you should leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a man who has a thoughtless but very long-term sex affair is either depressed/self-destructive or bored but it never really has to do with his real relationship?

It 99.9% has to do with HIM. The majority come from dysfunctional families with cheating fathers and often absent mothers. Period. This comes out in midlife.

I’ve never heard the “absent mother,” thing, ever. This is all depressing. How can such a person have an otherwise extremely high marital satisfaction score? It makes no sense!

Absent in a sense that she checked out after the affair/alcohol and divorce from depression. Kid gets by by turning into an intense perfectionist and pleaser.

But, midlife that need for validation and love and all the other screwed upness from that childhood comes out.

His mom never came to any sports' games or school events. Dad was going through a series of hos. Somehow he ended up top of class and highly successful and got the f. out determined to be different...which is why he found a partner from a very stable and loving family. He lived it for awhile until the age his firstborn was when his own life fell apart and dad left in elementary and mom sunk into a depression and later self-centeredness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

This. The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive. It would be immediate divorce.

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.

Is this what people tell themselves when choosing to stay with a cheating spouse? Wow.

In long marriages 20+ years, yes. Kids involved that would have to split their homes and sleep in different places? Yes.

It all depends on circumstances, the individuals and how the marriage was prior to the affair. The more you study infidelity and men you will learn that men in happy marriages will cheat (up to 60%). Studies reveal men in affairs rage have some of the highest marital satisfaction while women in affairs have some of the lowest marital satisfaction.

The question is what is he doing now? How is he acting? Is he in therapy? Were you happy prior? To throw away a 20+ year marriage on a midlife crisis and unaddressed issues is a fool’s errand and highly detrimental to the kids. Now, if this was a pattern and the marriage had always been riddled with problems and the affair was much more—different set of issues. It’s a fallacy that once a cheater always a cheater. Those that see the hurt and devastation in their spouse and do the work never want to go there again.

Nobody should judge anyone else. I’m fact, there are sooooo many people that face this issue in their marriage, make it work and come out stronger. You would never guess how many friends. Neighbors or even family may have suffered in silence. People don’t tell others about affairs.

God, I am so tired of people who don't consider the impact of the affair at all on the woman. Let's reframe what you just wrote -- "to stay in a 20+ year marriage to a man who would betray you in such a way, in whom you will never fully trust again, who was completely unable to restrain his own impulses for the benefit of the wife, marriage and kids, who could not explicitly name and negotiate openly whatever personal issues or conflict underpinned the affair is a fool's errand and highly detrimental to the wife and kids."

No one knows if a person who cheats will cheat again, but I chose not to live under that sword of Damocles, which was highly detrimental to me and my kids.

I didn't tell anyone else about my partner's affair, and that was a HUGE mistake. I allowed secrecy to take away my authenticity before my friends, my kids and in law family and my community. People who didn't know about the affair made false assumptions and judgments about behaviors and actions they could see and those false assumptions and judgments, uncorrected by me, were extremely damaging to me and my kids.

There are so many people who faced this issue in their marriage and ended up divorcing over it. I just found out yesterday that an affair was the reason for a good friend's divorce over 10 years ago. Neither half of the couple disclosed her affair.

I have every right to judge who I want in my life -- I don't want a spouse who has cheated, and I don't want to be intimate friends with a person who cheated on their spouse. IME, a cheater has deep problems living in reality and being honest and putting others needs before their own. It's my right to judge whether I want those people in my circle or not. I am in control of my own life and not obligated to continue to interact with people who are damaging.

The bolded is really astute. "Taking the high road" can be very isolating.

Goodness, yes. It has been for me.