Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

OP, if you take the emotions out of this, the most sensible thing to do is go to the wedding with your toddler for the weekend. Then, in the spring when the baby is older, all of you plan a trip to visit your family. This way you are there to support your brother, your family gets to see the toddler, and your wife gets to recover at home with the newborn. If your DW won't budge on the toddler going with you to the wedding, then you go solo and explain to your family that they will be able to see both kids in the spring.

At some point you and DW need to address her mistrust of your family, but I'm not sure this is the time or the context in which to do it.

[Anonymous]

I’ll bet $1000 DH’s wife will find a reason she can’t go in the spring either. We all know the type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll bet $1000 DH’s wife will find a reason she can’t go in the spring either. We all know the type.

The type who doesn't want to spend time around people they don't like?

Ah yeah that type

[Anonymous]

OP, she shouldn't have to go, and she doesn't need any reason. She certainly doesn't need to convince you. You're a big boy, no reason you can't go alone. At first I was thinking you were going to say that she's demanding that you don't go since she might need help. Glad that's not the case. You need to be there - at your brother's wedding. But for you to be able to go enjoy not only the wedding but as you said, the weekend of wedding festivities is quite a luxury. Go. Enjoy. But I can't believe you are such a jerk as to expect DW to be planning to go too because it's important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she shouldn't have to go, and she doesn't need any reason. She certainly doesn't need to convince you. You're a big boy, no reason you can't go alone. At first I was thinking you were going to say that she's demanding that you don't go since she might need help. Glad that's not the case. You need to be there - at your brother's wedding. But for you to be able to go enjoy not only the wedding but as you said, the weekend of wedding festivities is quite a luxury. Go. Enjoy. But I can't believe you are such a jerk as to expect DW to be planning to go too because it's important to you.

He should be allowed to take the toddler

[Anonymous]

I think it is unreasonable to DW to forbid OP from taking his own child to a family event, but not unreasonable for a pp mom to want to stay home with baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unreasonable to DW to forbid OP from taking his own child to a family event, but not unreasonable for a pp mom to want to stay home with baby.

It's not that she doesn't want her kid to go to the family event. It's that she doesn't want her kid gone the entire week following, including Christmas. Nothing unreasonable about wanting to spend Christmas with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Just lol @ the scope of this event. Wedding then visiting all your extended family, over baby's first Christmas, with a young toddler. No crap she especially doesn't want to go given how huge this really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unreasonable to DW to forbid OP from taking his own child to a family event, but not unreasonable for a pp mom to want to stay home with baby.

It's not that she doesn't want her kid to go to the family event. It's that she doesn't want her kid gone the entire week following, including Christmas. Nothing unreasonable about wanting to spend Christmas with your kid.

How do you know this? OP did not say this. OP said that if they went as a family they would stay the extra week.

[Anonymous]

OP I've been your defender in this thread a lot but I just looked at the calendar and xmas is on a tuesday. Apart from all of this wtf was your sibling thinking scheduling a wedding three days before christmas???????

[Anonymous]

There is a lot to unpack here.
First, you really need to separate your feelings about how your wife feels about your family from this situation. It is making you blind to the fact that there are legitimate reasons she does not want to go; independent of the fact that she does not like your family. You need to recognize and own that. She may have given crap reasons in the past, but this is legitimate, no matter how much you wish it were not.
Second, while i would agree you should get to take your toddler to the wedding, i do think it is unreasonable to keep him for an entire week away from his mom, especially at Christmas. He will already likely feel neglected and clingy towards his mom with the new baby and this move may make him more stressed. You should not put the feelings of your parents above those of your child. Period. Seriously, think of your children here. You seem so hell bent on proving what a bad wife you have that you are forgetting that she is actually being a good mom with this decision.
Third. You guys really need some counseling. It seems like you are viewing her decisions through an unhealthy lens and punishing her for issues you have had in the past. That is not healthy or fair to her. She may have been unreasonable in the past but you need to deal with that independent of this trip..


Each pregnancy and birth and recovery is different. With my first i was up and likely could have went back to work the next day, i felt GREAT! No tearing, easy birth etc etc. However, 2 years later that one was not so easy and recover easily took 2 months before i healed from her birth. There was a 'close call' and emotionally i was frazzled as well as physically. You have no idea what she will feel like, neither does she. It is best to plan for the worst that she is unable to attend. You can go, you can have fun and to be honest, your family really needs to understand and support that, and YOU need to understand and support that.
Deal with the past issues because if it is constantly you vs. her; after the baby comes, good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, she shouldn't have to go, and she doesn't need any reason. She certainly doesn't need to convince you. You're a big boy, no reason you can't go alone. At first I was thinking you were going to say that she's demanding that you don't go since she might need help. Glad that's not the case. You need to be there - at your brother's wedding. But for you to be able to go enjoy not only the wedding but as you said, the weekend of wedding festivities is quite a luxury. Go. Enjoy. But I can't believe you are such a jerk as to expect DW to be planning to go too because it's important to you.


He should be allowed to take the toddler

First poster here - yeah he can take the toddler. It's his child too, so yes. However, Dad is going to be very busy with the wedding weekend and he's going to need to pass off the toddler to someone else. Dad, have you thought this through? And a 2 year old is unlikely to cooperate as a ring bearer. Unlikely anyway. Too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are totally unrealistic. We went to Colorado from DC with our 3yr old and 6mo old for a wedding and it was absolute hell. We had the best possible set up - a well appointed condo, grandparents and uncles to help, a babysitter for 2 evenings.
We spend thousands on airfare, accommodations, tiny suits for the kids they wore for 1 picture, babysitter, etc. and we missed 90% of the reception and I missed a week of work when I got back due the baby getting croup.

You should hire help for your wife while you go to the wedding alone. And this is from a person who hosted 12 people for Thanksgiving, 7 as weekend guests, when my second kid was 6 days old.

THIS.
Furthermore your brother and soon to be SIL should have should have set their wedding date a little bit later to accommodate your wife’s pregnancy. I bet if the bride’s sister/MOH was pregnant the wedding date would have been set at least 12 weeks after the due date.
And I have never seen or heard of a woman traveling by plane with a 6 week old and a 2 year old.
Finally, you need to get home for Christmas and make it an amazing Christmas for your wife, toddler and new baby. Please get a clue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-

I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.

The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.

Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

Of course you would imagine that. You have zero idea and you’re totally delusional.

And now as an afterthought, a wedding changed into a week+ long trip staying somewhere with people she doesn’t like over Christmas with her newborn and her toddler.

Speechless.

NP here. I am a SAHM and my DH was totally capable with both of our kids, instantly. Other than not having boobs, he could do anything I could do.

What does that have to do with anything? I'm the PP you're responding to. I'm also a SAHM and my DH is capable with the kids. He even did all the washing up of pumping parts when I had to pump with one of my kids, and slept with our newborns on his chest in another room and just brought them to me to feed during the early weeks because it's the only way I could get any decent rest.

I'd bet my house that OP isn't one of "the good ones" like our DHs. How do I know? Because no decent father or husband would ever suggest that his wife take a newborn and a barely (or not quite?) 2 year old on a plane for a trip somewhere (i.e. "germ city" plus "not able to take much stuff") with people who he knows that she doesn't feel will support her for whatever reason, and he acknowledges that he won't be available to help at least some of the time, and she doesn't want to go and he's insisting on it. And then he throws in as an afterthought that they may as well just stay a week there while they're there, and over Christmas to boot.

So she'd also miss out on Christmas with her own mom (the mom who kindly offered to step in and take OP's place for the weekend so he could go off and party with his family.) And on that trip, OP will be catching up with all his extended family members (and we know that's what he's going to be doing, since this guy is clearly all "me me me") while his wife is struggling with toddler routines in a different place and feeding a toddler in a strange place/kitchen with people she doesn't like who are focussed on having parties and celebrating rather than catering to a toddler who just had his world tipped upside down, plus struggling to produce milk for a newborn under an incredible amount of stress. Many fathers take paternity leave up to 6 weeks (mine did much longer) if they can swing it, because it can be very difficult having a newborn in the mix when you already have another child, and most fathers want to support their wives and babies as much as they can. So at 6 weeks, things are generally considered still quite rough and people give the mom (and dad, if he's on the same team) as much support as they can. OP is just "me me me" and wanting to party.

Women don't even go to their postpartum checkup until 6 weeks after delivery. Why is that? Oh, that's right. Because most women's bodies are still healing up until then!

I doubt that any doctor would think this trip is a good idea for mom or the newborn, and probably not even the toddler under the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

This is one battle I would not fight. My brothers now ex wife really tried to limit their interaction with our family and used any excuse possible. In this situation your wife has valid concerns. If your wife is truly trying to limit your parents time with the grandkids your brothers wedding is not the time to wage it. My brothers ex wife did not know how to compromise or be reasonable so he did eventually divorce her. I hope you and your wife can some to an agreement.