Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I'm team wife also.

Things I agree w/ that other posters have already said so well (and consistently):

- having one straightforward birth and manageable baby means nothing as a predictor for a second birth
- handling childcare on evenings and weekends doesn't begin to approximate what it is to be primary caregiver 80% of the time - let alone with a body ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth
- you have no way of knowing how your 2 yr old will behave when there's a newborn. It may be smooth as silk and it may be an everloving nightmare.
- taking a 6 week old infant on an airplane in the winter invites significant risk factors for illness
- your marriage is bigger than any one occasion (the "even if you win this battle, you lose" statement)
- you need to uncouple the problems in your marriage from everything you are layering onto your ability to participate in this wedding
- finding a way to attend a weekend wedding is a VERY different scenario than agreeing to go away for more than a week, at christmas, with a newborn and a 2 year old with people you may or may not like/get along/feel supported by

Most importantly - you are doing very serious damage to your marriage with your approach and mindset. Choose your battles wisely OP, and be sure the messages you are sending with your priorities match the things you really love and value. RIght now it reads very much as though your desires for the wedding weekend and your family's wishes come persistently well ahead of your wife's feelings and the safest approach for your newborn. Is that really how you feel?

How do you feel about wife refusing to let the toddler attend pp?

I'm not the PP, but at first I thought that was unreasonable. She should let him take the 2 year old while she says with the baby. But now, I'm not sure how I feel about it since this wedding has morphed into a week long trip which would mean she would not be with her son on Christmas. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—You know “people do it all the time.” BS. I challenge you to name 3 people YOU personally know who traveled on a 3-hour flight with a 6-week old.

You’re going to get an overwhelming response to your post. Please listen and take heed. I hope you are mature enough to realize you are being unreasonable. Your wife—the mother of your children—needs you to support her and to not challenge what she is saying.

I can be one of the three people. Traveled with my youngest son when he was 6 weeks old along with my 3 and 7 year old.

Yeah pp its common:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/251529.page#2643551

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/10392.page#57977

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/666903.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-

I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.

The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.

Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

OP, first of all, despite your best intentions and imagination, you cannot support your wife enough in this wedding situation. She needs to be home, healing her body parts that have been ripped or cut open, and dealing with the never ending issue of milk welling up in her breasts and needing to come out at just the right time to feed your child and avoid getting an infection. Mastitis, the only pain worse than being ripped open down below.

Secondly, she may or may not like your family. I don't know. But bringing a 6 week old on a germy plane in December to an event that people will attend (even if they are sick because its so important) and then expecting her to be social the following week with more people who will come to see the baby (even if they are sick, because your family is starting to sound pretty self centered) is not OK. It's not about your wife vs. your parents. It is about you providing appropriate care to your newborn infant, your child. It is possible that by providing appropriate care your wife also gets to avoid your family. Well, whatever, infant needs trumps all.

I suggest that instead you and your wife make a plan to travel early next summer. Maybe you could even stay with her mom since her mom is helpful with your toddler. Any relatives who want to see your baby can travel then. In the meantime, you can go to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. You will be divorced in 5 years. I’d stop at 2 kids (1 or none would have been even better.)

[Anonymous]

You take the two year old and let her stay home. Living in a hotel with a newborn sucks... done it. You are not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-

I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.

The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.

Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

She is thinking the same. Why is he not willing to support me in this? I am his wife. These are his children.

[Anonymous]

Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.

OP, you are so sadly mistaken on this.
Your brother will want you around before the ceremony while he gets ready.
will you be riding with him in the limo to the ceremony?
what about sitting at the head table during the reception?
giving the toast?
dancing with the bridesmaids/groomsmen after the first dance?

You are going to want to be present throughout the festivities. You cannot possibly watch a toddler during all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—You know “people do it all the time.” BS. I challenge you to name 3 people YOU personally know who traveled on a 3-hour flight with a 6-week old.

You’re going to get an overwhelming response to your post. Please listen and take heed. I hope you are mature enough to realize you are being unreasonable. Your wife—the mother of your children—needs you to support her and to not challenge what she is saying. [/quot

I can be one of the three people. Traveled with my youngest son when he was 6 weeks old along with my 3 and 7 year old.

To a sibling's wedding?

[Anonymous]

Your wife sounds nuts. She sounds pretty crazy herself not wanting to leave her children around their grandparents. Helicopter much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-

I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.

The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.

Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

Of course you would imagine that. You have zero idea and you’re totally delusional.

And now as an afterthought, a wedding changed into a week+ long trip staying somewhere with people she doesn’t like over Christmas with her newborn and her toddler.

Speechless.

[Anonymous]

OP you cannot be for real. Grow up. This isn't about you, it's about the safety and health of your 6 WEEK OLD NEWBORN and the woman that birthed him.

Part of having children is you no longer get to do all the fun things you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-

I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.

The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.

Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

Of course you would imagine that. You have zero idea and you’re totally delusional.

And now as an afterthought, a wedding changed into a week+ long trip staying somewhere with people she doesn’t like over Christmas with her newborn and her toddler.

Speechless.

NP here. I am a SAHM and my DH was totally capable with both of our kids, instantly. Other than not having boobs, he could do anything I could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—You know “people do it all the time.” BS. I challenge you to name 3 people YOU personally know who traveled on a 3-hour flight with a 6-week old.

You’re going to get an overwhelming response to your post. Please listen and take heed. I hope you are mature enough to realize you are being unreasonable. Your wife—the mother of your children—needs you to support her and to not challenge what she is saying. [/quot

I can be one of the three people. Traveled with my youngest son when he was 6 weeks old along with my 3 and 7 year old.

To a sibling's wedding?

No to see my mom while I was on maternity leave. Easier than trying to schedule vacation after being out for 8 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—You know “people do it all the time.” BS. I challenge you to name 3 people YOU personally know who traveled on a 3-hour flight with a 6-week old.

You’re going to get an overwhelming response to your post. Please listen and take heed. I hope you are mature enough to realize you are being unreasonable. Your wife—the mother of your children—needs you to support her and to not challenge what she is saying.

I can be one of the three people. Traveled with my youngest son when he was 6 weeks old along with my 3 and 7 year old.

To a sibling's wedding?

No to see my mom while I was on maternity leave. Easier than trying to schedule vacation after being out for 8 weeks.

Different PP. I flew with my DD around 8 weeks to attend her christening, scheduled out of state so her great grandparents could attend in November. And she was a preemie IUGR.

[Anonymous]

Op, I was in a similar situation. Cousins on DH's side got married 4 weeks after I gave birth to my second child. We attended the wedding.

A few differences - DH was not in the wedding, my parents stayed at the hotel with us to watch the kids during the wedding, we drove (albeit 6 hours), and I LOVE my DH's family and they all pitched in with the kids during the long weekend (and OMG was it long with little sleep).

So yes, it can be done. But only if there is a huge supporting cast that will actually HELP with the kids.

(And I don't look back at pictures of that wedding very often. Let's just say I looked...rough!)