Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. You do not have a right to talk to me even if I share some DNA. Restraining orders exist if you stalk me or my family. I owe you nothing. Great we had the same bio father and you found us bc my brother posted his DNA without my and my mom’s consent. Stop trying to contact me on every social media platform. Deadbeat dad is dead, brother is an addict who disappears (like father like son!), and I don’t need anyone upsetting my mother with demenia.


I did get a restraining order bc she would just show up at my mom’s nursing home - thank god for security but she did make her cry the first time when she got through. She also came to my door. I had to delete all my social media, change my phone number,and move my mom to a different nursing home.

I’m sorry you want answers I don’t have. I told you this in a fb message, yet you didn’t stop. Stop requesting to come to holidays. I’m not your family.

From the other side. We owe you nothing.

Ugh...looks like the family you came from were all prizes, like you ( ), so, she is lucky. Pretty sure it was worth it to know that. Pretty sure.[/quote

Blame my awful father. My life has not been easy, and I’m left to take care of my mother without help. I really don’t need someone upsetting my ill mom who mentally doesn’t understand.

Don’t show up at my house and talk to my 6 year old DS.

If we tell you to stop please respect it.

I think if you were calm when she contacted you, she would not have gone to the nursing home or continued. I doubt she was as crazy as you are making her out to be. You just set up barriers making her do what she felt she had to do. A calm but firm discussion and explanation as to why would have stopped this. You freaked out because you had no idea your Dad had a kid- he might not have either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I think it depends on what the specific needs are. If you put a child up for adoption and say have a particular cancer that runs in your family or everyone in your family has a heart attack at 40 or something like that I think the adoptee’s right to get family medical history trumps the right to privacy. But if it’s just for socialization maybe not as much.

My oldest brother was adopted through a closed adoption in the 1970s. He got Leukemia when he was 19 and they tracked down his mother due to a unique circumstance around his bone marrow. Turned out she wasn’t a match, and he died. She mailed us a nice card and some seashells after he died. She didn’t want to be contacted, and my brother didn’t push it.

Everyone agrees that the relationship aspect has no merit. No, they do not require the socialization. They do, however, absolutely deserve the information about who they are and how they got here. Other siblings do not need to "socialize" but the problem is the PARENT who was not honest, not the adoptee. Even the siblings have the right to know they have siblings- and no no one says they need to embrace them. That closed time of secrets is over.

the parent has a right not to be "honest". adoptees have no right to know anything other than what their bioparents wanted to have known. they should count themselves extremely lucky to have been adopted rather than aborted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone: the following states permit Adoptees to get their birth certificate when they are 18:
Hawaii
Ohio
Oregon
New Hampshire
Alabama
Alaska
Colorado
Rhode Island
Kansas
Maine

Plus most of Europe, the UK, Australia Canada and others.

More and more governments are recognizing the rights of adoptees to their own documents trumps birth parents secrecy.

DNA now has changed all this. We are no longer needing the paperwork. It is that easy.

The point is that courts and governments are making the determination that adoptees have rights to their own paperwork. That finding out about yourself is a right above the wishes of the birth parent. The point is that adoptees should have the chance to find out who they are. Whether they get that through a birth certificate or ancestry.com is moot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many harsh responses in this thread! Adult adoptee here, both birth parents deceased. Found that out via ancestry.com DNA test like OP. I did not contact any people that came up as close relatives and open the secret. 1/2 sibling contacted me first, she broke the news to the rest of them. I am significantly younger, they all suspected the father was cheating with a coworker. I am taking their lead, some want contact, others don't. Live far away, I am looking for nothing from them and which is probably why this is all progressing smoothly.

Prior to this I had read many articles regarding right to original birth certificate being a basic human right. I happen to agree with this. No one should be able to tell someone they can't have a document that is their own.


Thankful I don't come from a crazy bunch like the PP who sounds like she has some bad genes. That adoptee should run and run far.

I did it exactly as you did. Yes, it is my right to know...and I believe it is the family's right to know, sorry, but I do. No, it isn't my right to request a relationship and dog them.I doubt most adoptees want to do that when they face resistance. What would that get? So the bio parents- do they have rights? No, we aren't dirty little secrets that they can hide, and it is not just one story. Social mores dictated what would happen, mothers had little to say about what they wanted. Until the 1980s, it was basically child trafficking.Stop imagining Disney stories of how children were "chosen."

So, I am not expecting anyone to embrace me, accept me as a sibling, or a child, but sorry, the fact that I exist takes precedence over the family lie.

Also, for you detractors who think you own the right to your family lore- one day that person your son or daughter, or sister or brother , or YOU that you are sleeping with, marrying, or whatever may actually be a half sibling or a cousin. Yep. Wrap your head around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone: the following states permit Adoptees to get their birth certificate when they are 18:
Hawaii
Ohio
Oregon
New Hampshire
Alabama
Alaska
Colorado
Rhode Island
Kansas
Maine

Plus most of Europe, the UK, Australia Canada and others.

More and more governments are recognizing the rights of adoptees to their own documents trumps birth parents secrecy.

Ancestry or 23 n Me or whatever makes the paperwork moot. It is a new game now.

DNA now has changed all this. We are no longer needing the paperwork. It is that easy.

The point is that courts and governments are making the determination that adoptees have rights to their own paperwork. That finding out about yourself is a right above the wishes of the birth parent. The point is that adoptees should have the chance to find out who they are. Whether they get that through a birth certificate or ancestry.com is moot.

[Anonymous]

There is a lunatic in this thread who keeps posting about how adoptees’ right to know trumps everything else and who keeps making birth parents’ motives out to be “secrecy.” Listen, honey, people give kids up for adoption for a host of reasons and you don’t get to come back like some possessed boomerang. Be happy for your birth family and kick rocks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many harsh responses in this thread! Adult adoptee here, both birth parents deceased. Found that out via ancestry.com DNA test like OP. I did not contact any people that came up as close relatives and open the secret. 1/2 sibling contacted me first, she broke the news to the rest of them. I am significantly younger, they all suspected the father was cheating with a coworker. I am taking their lead, some want contact, others don't. Live far away, I am looking for nothing from them and which is probably why this is all progressing smoothly.

Prior to this I had read many articles regarding right to original birth certificate being a basic human right. I happen to agree with this. No one should be able to tell someone they can't have a document that is their own.


Thankful I don't come from a crazy bunch like the PP who sounds like she has some bad genes. That adoptee should run and run far.

I did it exactly as you did. Yes, it is my right to know...and I believe it is the family's right to know, sorry, but I do. No, it isn't my right to request a relationship and dog them.I doubt most adoptees want to do that when they face resistance. What would that get? So the bio parents- do they have rights? No, we aren't dirty little secrets that they can hide, and it is not just one story. Social mores dictated what would happen, mothers had little to say about what they wanted. Until the 1980s, it was basically child trafficking.Stop imagining Disney stories of how children were "chosen."

So, I am not expecting anyone to embrace me, accept me as a sibling, or a child, but sorry, the fact that I exist takes precedence over the family lie.

Also, for you detractors who think you own the right to your family lore- one day that person your son or daughter, or sister or brother , or YOU that you are sleeping with, marrying, or whatever may actually be a half sibling or a cousin. Yep. Wrap your head around that.

planned parenthood should recruit you (and other ungrateful adoptees like you) for their commercials. they would raise billions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many harsh responses in this thread! Adult adoptee here, both birth parents deceased. Found that out via ancestry.com DNA test like OP. I did not contact any people that came up as close relatives and open the secret. 1/2 sibling contacted me first, she broke the news to the rest of them. I am significantly younger, they all suspected the father was cheating with a coworker. I am taking their lead, some want contact, others don't. Live far away, I am looking for nothing from them and which is probably why this is all progressing smoothly.

Prior to this I had read many articles regarding right to original birth certificate being a basic human right. I happen to agree with this. No one should be able to tell someone they can't have a document that is their own.


Thankful I don't come from a crazy bunch like the PP who sounds like she has some bad genes. That adoptee should run and run far.

I did it exactly as you did. Yes, it is my right to know...and I believe it is the family's right to know, sorry, but I do. No, it isn't my right to request a relationship and dog them.I doubt most adoptees want to do that when they face resistance. What would that get? So the bio parents- do they have rights? No, we aren't dirty little secrets that they can hide, and it is not just one story. Social mores dictated what would happen, mothers had little to say about what they wanted. Until the 1980s, it was basically child trafficking.Stop imagining Disney stories of how children were "chosen."

So, I am not expecting anyone to embrace me, accept me as a sibling, or a child, but sorry, the fact that I exist takes precedence over the family lie.

Also, for you detractors who think you own the right to your family lore- one day that person your son or daughter, or sister or brother , or YOU that you are sleeping with, marrying, or whatever may actually be a half sibling or a cousin. Yep. Wrap your head around that.

planned parenthood should recruit you (and other ungrateful adoptees like you) for their commercials. they would raise billions.

See, that's it. It has nothing to do with being grateful. You just do not get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a cousin who was contacted by an adoptee through a genealogy DNA site. I had no clue. Luckily I didn't have any identifying info on the site(made up user name and throw away email). In any event, I just didn't respond. However, I have other cousins who have their actual names listed.

Why didn't you respond?By the way, man times a "first cousin" is actually a half sibling. You may be surprised to find something out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

This was an abortion problem, not a privacy problem. She went through a horrific experience, but it was HER OWN PARENTS who were also the abusers.Seriously.
It will come up in the future, because it will. It is not the child's fault. She should have a pat statement with or without the rape explanation( and she doesn't have to say that, but she can leave it without further abuse to the child) and decline to meet. Her sad story is not over. What happened to her still doesn't support her child's right to genealogy.

Wtf. Rape victims do not owe it to ANYONE to share their "pat statement". She shouldn't have to tell her husband, her children, friends or family if she doesn't want to. You think she should wear some kind of scarlet A forever? "Hi I'm Larla, rape victim who gave the baby up for adoption!"

Yeah, no one said it had to include the explanation of rape. Why did you assume that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many harsh responses in this thread! Adult adoptee here, both birth parents deceased. Found that out via ancestry.com DNA test like OP. I did not contact any people that came up as close relatives and open the secret. 1/2 sibling contacted me first, she broke the news to the rest of them. I am significantly younger, they all suspected the father was cheating with a coworker. I am taking their lead, some want contact, others don't. Live far away, I am looking for nothing from them and which is probably why this is all progressing smoothly.

Prior to this I had read many articles regarding right to original birth certificate being a basic human right. I happen to agree with this. No one should be able to tell someone they can't have a document that is their own.


Thankful I don't come from a crazy bunch like the PP who sounds like she has some bad genes. That adoptee should run and run far.

I did it exactly as you did. Yes, it is my right to know...and I believe it is the family's right to know, sorry, but I do. No, it isn't my right to request a relationship and dog them.I doubt most adoptees want to do that when they face resistance. What would that get? So the bio parents- do they have rights? No, we aren't dirty little secrets that they can hide, and it is not just one story. Social mores dictated what would happen, mothers had little to say about what they wanted. Until the 1980s, it was basically child trafficking.Stop imagining Disney stories of how children were "chosen."

So, I am not expecting anyone to embrace me, accept me as a sibling, or a child, but sorry, the fact that I exist takes precedence over the family lie.

Also, for you detractors who think you own the right to your family lore- one day that person your son or daughter, or sister or brother , or YOU that you are sleeping with, marrying, or whatever may actually be a half sibling or a cousin. Yep. Wrap your head around that.

planned parenthood should recruit you (and other ungrateful adoptees like you) for their commercials. they would raise billions.

See, that's it. It has nothing to do with being grateful. You just do not get it.

oh i do get it. you should be counting yourself lucky and be grateful. instead you are a selfish entitled asshole.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why knowing who your birth mother was is considered a basic human right by some posters on here. It isn't a "human right," it's just the law in the jurisdiction where it is valid. The two are not the same. Basic human rights are things like freedom of speech and freedom of assembly. Look, freedom from starvation isn't a human right either yet I'd think that would be more important than knowing who your birth mother was.

I do understand that people may want to know about family history for medical reasons but surely such information can be obtained neutrally using a third party and having a full documented family medical history should become part of the adoption papers for closed adoptions.

There's quite a lot of "me" "me" "me" "I" "I" "I want" "I want" "I want" "me" "me" "me" on this thread. But what about what "they" want, too? I suppose it's a reflection of the selfishness of our times where the well-being of the individual must triumph over everyone else.

To the OP: the birth family reacted so strongly to your sister's queries that it suggests dark circumstances surrounding the birth. Out of kindness and politeness she should refrain from prodding the matter. She already has a loving family: your parents and you. Focus on that. The past is past.

[Anonymous]

I’ve read 12 pages and I find the entire idea of the dna matching both very interesting to try and at the same time it could open Pandora’s box.

OP: let your sister embark on her journey and just listen and support her. It’s 2018 the ship has sailed, there is no longer closed anything. And besides the birth family members she matched with might not be receptive but they’ll run their mouths like anyone else and just wait and see. It’s not the older generation or even the birth mother (if she won’t make contact). It’s the next generation. They will be much more adapt to embrace the technology. Maybe send their own dna and be much more receptive to finding an aunt.

As for the testing I had to calculate. It’s been almost 30 years since hooking up with tons of randoms through college.
Over 18 years and no one has knocked on the door so the worry of child support is gone. That makes me want to see what lurking in the family tree.

On the flip side, do I really want to know if some random had a kid I never knew about and all of a sudden find out now.

....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the adoptive mother of a beautiful DD, I have been reading this thread with horror. DD is korean so she knows she is adopted, but I don’t know what I’ll say if she wants to contact her family in 15 years. I normally would have been supportive, but I just don’t know anymore.

I'm a Korean adoptee. I have found my birth family (it's a happy reunion). Much has changed in recent years - certainly adoptees within your daughter's generation have access to much more info than adoptees of mine (the first wave of international adoptions in Korea). I've heard that some birth moms choose for their child to be adopted internationally because they know there's a higher chance of their kid being able to find them than if they stay in Korea, where adoption is stigmatized and adoptees are treated as second-class citizens.

I do have friends whose birth family chooses to not respond to their inquiries. Obviously it's a possibility for all adoptees and I do strongly believe that one should get counseling all during the search and reunion journey.

[Anonymous]

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7970730