Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for your sister. She does deserve information about her natural family. I’m sorry they have been so awful to her. She has done nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is wrong, although her wrong is more forgivable.

Your parents are so wrong that my head spins. The birth mother gave them the gift of your sister and they can't even respect her privacy that was part of the adoption agreement? They sound extremely spiteful.

Maybe that's why your sister wants a new family.

+1 Both your sister and your parents need to back off. The birth mother absolutely should have right to privacy anther life should not be totally thrown in turmoil because an agreement she made for a closed adoption is violated today. Your parents are truly unbelievable. They accepted the terms and the child and now they have no respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are 100% on whatever side my sister is on, so they're saying the same thing my sister is saying. My sister thinks there's no right to privacy in this new age with DNA tests. It was a closed adoption but my parents always told my sister she was adopted and were open with her.

I don't blame my sister for wanting a second family. We have awesome parents and family, but who wouldn't want to see what their genetic mom and siblings are like? My sister wants to know everything- medical questions, what they look like, their family stories.

I sort of don't see this story ending well for anyone involved.

The medical argument is nonsense. Genetics may load the gun but lifestyle pulls the trigger. Your sister should lead a healthy lifestyle and get regular checkups--and leave this poor woman and her family alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole idea behind a closed and sealed adoption is just part of the whole 'evil' regime of shaming women and protecting men. Sorry, but the parties won't have privacy. However, the mother and siblings owe her nothing except the information at hand. She should not expect a "family."

Oh, bullshit. It protected the birth mom, too who likely wanted to go on with her life after the adoption. It isn't some evil male plot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. My parents are 100% on whatever side my sister is on, so they're saying the same thing my sister is saying. My sister thinks there's no right to privacy in this new age with DNA tests. It was a closed adoption but my parents always told my sister she was adopted and were open with her.

I don't blame my sister for wanting a second family. We have awesome parents and family, but who wouldn't want to see what their genetic mom and siblings are like? My sister wants to know everything- medical questions, what they look like, their family stories.

I sort of don't see this story ending well for anyone involved.

I can understand where your sister is coming from but she's not going to get what she wants. She won't be able to hound these people into a relationship with her and pushing the issue is just as likely to seal that door shut forever.

Another adult adoptee here. Sure, we are all curious about this, but the price in this case sounds way too high. She is being told to cease and desist, so she should take the hint. If she doesn't, she is in for nothing but hurt.

It's sad that our culture has led so many adopted people to believe that they are somehow not complete (or "real") until they find their DNA trail.

This to the bolded part. There is nothing magical about DNA and emotional connection. She should be thankful her birth mother decided not to abort her and place her for adoption if she didn't want to raise her. Leave the poor woman alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

But the birth mother didn't put her DNA out there. Other relatives did. This woman didn't do anything herself to facilitate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your sister is right-- that she can contact them if she wishes.... BUT she needs to think about the end game here. What is the point of this? If she is only going to get rebuffed by the extended family and maybe eventually her birth mother, she should tread cautiously if only to protect her own heart. The message sent should be along the lines of, "I'm happy and healthy and would love to connect if you want to. I can be reached at xxxx." the end.

I also don't have a lot of sympathy for birth parents who, decades later, aren't able to give their own child the time of day. But that's another discussion.

Why? She could have had an abortion and never thought about it again. I think the woman still deserves respect.

Respect? Sure. But the pain of being an adopted child can be significant. That birth mother made a choice to do an adoption that was all about her needs and not about the child's. The child didn't ask to come into the world, but the mother surely can give her some respect in between 20+ years later.

Exactly how do you know this to be true? Maybe the birth mom know she would be a crappy parent at that point in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I agree. The adopted child should be grateful they were given life and a better family. That's all they're owed.

Not all kids go into better homes and get a better family. Some are great, some aren't.

And not all kids live with happy bio families. No one “owes” you the life you wish you had. You grow up and build your own life.,

Absolutely true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the adoptive mother of a beautiful DD, I have been reading this thread with horror. DD is korean so she knows she is adopted, but I don’t know what I’ll say if she wants to contact her family in 15 years. I normally would have been supportive, but I just don’t know anymore.

I think you tell her that it’s possible her birth family may not want to talk to her and to tread lightly. Talk to a counselor who specializes in adoptions.

This. I have a Korean daughter. I have told her she has the right/ability when she is 18 to contact the adoption agency. They will contact the birth mother who may or may not want to meet her--and she needs to be prepared for either answer if and when she is ready to make that choice. She also understands that reunions are sometimes wonderful and sometimes awful. Part of parent is preparing your child for what lies ahead. If she does search, I will encourage her to meet with a therapist who works with adoptees prior to her initial outreach. I will support her decision what ever she chooses. However, I know the circumstances of her birth (and as she has gotten older and asked I have shared age appropriate information) and it is unlikely her birth mother will want contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The story is really, really, really sad. She snuck out freshman year to go to a party with some older friends down the street who went to a different HS - think very rich part of town too so assumed safe. They went to the party and she was roofied (spelling?). She remembers pieces of it, but there were multiple boys that she didn't know + other very bad things (not posting bc explicit). She woke up in her backyard and luckily snuck back in. A month later she didn't get her period, so she took a pregnancy test which was positive. She then slit her wrists rather than tell her parents that she had snuck out, was gang raped, and was pregnant. Her mom found her thankfully. I wish she had been allowed to get an abortion, but her parents just couldn't consent to that because of their religious beliefs. It is one of the reasons that I donate regularly to PP so that girls can have that option. Her parents/her also decided not to prosecute bc she didn't want it all public from my understanding.

To this day, she does not drink and carries a bottle of water in her purse bc she doesn't trust beverages she hasn't seen poured herself - she has a bit of PTSD I think - this includes a soda from a restaurant brought from the kitchen - she won't drink it. She is scared to be alone and mainly I think has a nanny for her kids so she isn't alone ever. She follows all rules in life - I bet you she has never sped while driving her car. She made one mistake in her life and people think she deserves to relive it.

I shared her story because I do hope all those people who wish the "hidden adoption" to come out think about why there may be other reasons for someone not wanting it to come out. I do worry that she will commit suicide if it does come out. Okay I've got to go just give her a call and tell her that I love her.

Wow. Depressingly, I know someone else who has almost the same story ( even down to it happening in Georgia) except it happened to her in the late 90s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why knowing who your birth mother was is considered a basic human right by some posters on here. It isn't a "human right," it's just the law in the jurisdiction where it is valid. The two are not the same. Basic human rights are things like freedom of speech and freedom of assembly. Look, freedom from starvation isn't a human right either yet I'd think that would be more important than knowing who your birth mother was.

I do understand that people may want to know about family history for medical reasons but surely such information can be obtained neutrally using a third party and having a full documented family medical history should become part of the adoption papers for closed adoptions.

There's quite a lot of "me" "me" "me" "I" "I" "I want" "I want" "I want" "me" "me" "me" on this thread. But what about what "they" want, too? I suppose it's a reflection of the selfishness of our times where the well-being of the individual must triumph over everyone else.

To the OP: the birth family reacted so strongly to your sister's queries that it suggests dark circumstances surrounding the birth. Out of kindness and politeness she should refrain from prodding the matter. She already has a loving family: your parents and you. Focus on that. The past is past.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Overwhelmingly, research and laws have supported the adoptees rights to information. Laws have changed in most states, and, at this point, they don't even need to change due to DNA methods. Also, the laws were in place to protect the ADOPTIVE parents, not the birth parents, which many here do not realize. Most birth parents want to know, and there is a plethora of resesrch to support that.

There is a difference between “knowing” and having your life and decision blown up in your face. I think it’s human nature to wonder if you made the right decision, even 18 years later. Putting a child up for adoption isn’t something I think ANYONE takes lightly, and there needs to be some consideration that it’s a complicated decision, and a personal decision. No one should be able to decide 20year later that absolutely everyone in the birth family needs to know, save for the person or people that made that difficult choice.

These adoptees are taking down everyone in their path, instead of going to the source of their perceived pain, which is their parents. There is no need to involve anyone else, but they feel they have a right to do whatever they want, by whatever means. A closed adoption infers a lot of things, so it’s not like the message isn’t already out there that this was a complicated decision.

+1 Every living human has something that that don't wish their family and/or the world to know. We are ALL entitled to our secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow-- this thread is riveting. It is definitely a reflection of the changing face of unplanned pregnancy in this country.

The days of unmarried women giving up an infant for adoption due only to the "shame of unwed pregnancy" are long gone. Most children put up for adoption now are because of neglect and or some sort of trauma in the birth mother's life (rape, etc.).

My cousin is adopted, and finding/meeting her birth family has been a mixed bag. Her birth parents have a host of issues (both are violent with addiction issues, rape, etc.). Siblings have a host of these issues as well after suffering trauma. There is nobody in her immediate birth family (parents and siblings -- she is the youngest and most of her siblings were raised by her birth parents-- that she wants to have a relationship with). There is just too much dysfunction.

On the plus side, she has found a couple of bio relatives in the extended family and has a meaningful relationship with them. She says she does not regret this journey of finding her birth family.

OP, if you are still reading these posts. I think you should encourage your sister to seek a therapist. Having her birth family send her these messages must have been devastating (I don't agree with your sister's approach, but I do agree with you that what they said to her was unnecessarily cruel-- hopefully given time to reflect they will eventually reach out and apologize.) I'm sure your sister could use some professional help to work through the feelings.

You are a good sister, and it sounds like your instincts regarding the situation are right. Be there to listen.

I know two couples who have no intention of telling their children they are the product of sperm/egg donors. I imagine there are many other couples who have not considered the ramifications of 23&Me etc. in whether they should tell children about donor eggs/sperm.

Is it "shame" though that made them give the babies up? I knew girls who gave babies up for adoption. They didn't want to raise the babies themselves and thought it was better than abortion. They weren't shamed into it and their families were on board. I know I wouldn't have wanted to raise a baby as a teen without a husband.

This. A lot of people are placing a narrative on adoption that just isn't factual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope all the right to life organizations realize what they’re doing to women down the line, when they encourage them to adopt because it gives them and their child a “better life”. You’re a prisoner either way. No one wants to pay for women to have access to contraception, but they want to insert themselves into their lives.m

Do you think all the adopted kids wish they'd never been born? Some, I'm sure, have gone on to have difficult lives. But many have gone on to have fulfilling lives. So abortion isn't necessarily the better route. We don't know what the situations are in all the cases of adoption. It may be logical to you and me to have an abortion, but I won't wade into other families' religious beliefs and their views on the sanctity of life.

Frankly, I don't think abortion/anti abortion has a place in this discussion over closed adoptions and finding the birth mother. It's an entirely different topic.

I’m saying that if they had known their lives would be impacted / “blown up” 20 years down the line, many women may not have chosen adoption. They choose what they felt was best for both their child, and themselves. Now, that choice is being taken away. And so many on this thread are saying that’s okay.

It’s not. This was a conscious choice, years ago. And their right to their lives has to mean something too.

These children are not secret in their own lives. They have families that care for them. They are looking for more, where there may not be more. A choice to make an adoption closed is done so for a reason.

+1