Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

From my sister's case, her found siblings had no idea their mother had had another child. It was a family secret. They might have just thought they'd find cousins not the secret love child of their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

From my sister's case, her found siblings had no idea their mother had had another child. It was a family secret. They might have just thought they'd find cousins not the secret love child of their mom.

NP here but, tough. Such is life. They are adults, and this child's birth was presumably decades ago. It is not that child's fault they were born-- life happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

OP here. But it wasn't the birth mother who went on ancestry. It was her aunt and a cousin I believe. The birth mother is still young (under 40) and her kids are young too. I wouldn't assume her kids know about the teenage pregnancy. From what I know, the birth mother was very young and hid it from everyone including her parents. She gave birth alone in the hospital and a grandma who had custody of her helped her fill out the adoption papers.

My parents are on Ancestry and were happy to find a second cousin who had moved away. That's the kind of thing people are hoping to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole idea behind a closed and sealed adoption is just part of the whole 'evil' regime of shaming women and protecting men. Sorry, but the parties won't have privacy. However, the mother and siblings owe her nothing except the information at hand. She should not expect a "family."

BTW..I am in the same boat, however I was not expecting a family or contact. Several family (bio) were very open and friendly, but bio mother was not. She was an all around flawed person who had many issues. I was glad she did not raise me. I have also found bio father's family. He is long gone, but I won't contact the siblings. People need to realize now that there is no right to any privacy regarding this, despite what they were assured years ago. It was a dastardly system that scarred everyone, not the event of birth. And, it protected men who could dog around wherever and whenever. These DNA programs are not only sourcing adopted family members, but outing men who no one ever guessed were having affairs. Your sister is not her mother. She found what she needed to know, and now she needs to move on. She was lucky. This woman, her mother, was shamed and she is continuing the shame herself. DNA will stop this nonsense. #timesup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your sister is right-- that she can contact them if she wishes.... BUT she needs to think about the end game here. What is the point of this? If she is only going to get rebuffed by the extended family and maybe eventually her birth mother, she should tread cautiously if only to protect her own heart. The message sent should be along the lines of, "I'm happy and healthy and would love to connect if you want to. I can be reached at xxxx." the end.

I also don't have a lot of sympathy for birth parents who, decades later, aren't able to give their own child the time of day. But that's another discussion.

Why? She could have had an abortion and never thought about it again. I think the woman still deserves respect.

Respect? Sure. But the pain of being an adopted child can be significant. That birth mother made a choice to do an adoption that was all about her needs and not about the child's. The child didn't ask to come into the world, but the mother surely can give her some respect in between 20+ years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are 100% on whatever side my sister is on, so they're saying the same thing my sister is saying. My sister thinks there's no right to privacy in this new age with DNA tests. It was a closed adoption but my parents always told my sister she was adopted and were open with her.

I don't blame my sister for wanting a second family. We have awesome parents and family, but who wouldn't want to see what their genetic mom and siblings are like? My sister wants to know everything- medical questions, what they look like, their family stories.

I sort of don't see this story ending well for anyone involved.

The birth family has made their wishes clear. How is your sister going to force them to accept her? Your parents are not helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole idea behind a closed and sealed adoption is just part of the whole 'evil' regime of shaming women and protecting men. Sorry, but the parties won't have privacy. However, the mother and siblings owe her nothing except the information at hand. She should not expect a "family."

BTW..I am in the same boat, however I was not expecting a family or contact. Several family (bio) were very open and friendly, but bio mother was not. She was an all around flawed person who had many issues. I was glad she did not raise me. I have also found bio father's family. He is long gone, but I won't contact the siblings. People need to realize now that there is no right to any privacy regarding this, despite what they were assured years ago. It was a dastardly system that scarred everyone, not the event of birth. And, it protected men who could dog around wherever and whenever. These DNA programs are not only sourcing adopted family members, but outing men who no one ever guessed were having affairs. Your sister is not her mother. She found what she needed to know, and now she needs to move on. She was lucky. This woman, her mother, was shamed and she is continuing the shame herself. DNA will stop this nonsense. #timesup

AMEN@

[Anonymous]

This is what people don't understand. You don't need to have your own DNA on a site to be found. The game is up. DNA has changed everything, and it is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole idea behind a closed and sealed adoption is just part of the whole 'evil' regime of shaming women and protecting men. Sorry, but the parties won't have privacy. However, the mother and siblings owe her nothing except the information at hand. She should not expect a "family."

BTW..I am in the same boat, however I was not expecting a family or contact. Several family (bio) were very open and friendly, but bio mother was not. She was an all around flawed person who had many issues. I was glad she did not raise me. I have also found bio father's family. He is long gone, but I won't contact the siblings. People need to realize now that there is no right to any privacy regarding this, despite what they were assured years ago. It was a dastardly system that scarred everyone, not the event of birth. And, it protected men who could dog around wherever and whenever. These DNA programs are not only sourcing adopted family members, but outing men who no one ever guessed were having affairs. Your sister is not her mother. She found what she needed to know, and now she needs to move on. She was lucky. This woman, her mother, was shamed and she is continuing the shame herself. DNA will stop this nonsense. #timesup

OP here. Is there always shame? The birth mother and father were very, very young. I believe they were 15 and obviously incapable of raising a baby. The birth mother thought she was doing the right thing in giving a baby parents who were adults and could provide. We don't know anything about the bio father. He wasn't ever listed or mentioned and hasn't shown up on ancestry. I'd assume both just moved on after a major teenage mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

From my sister's case, her found siblings had no idea their mother had had another child. It was a family secret. They might have just thought they'd find cousins not the secret love child of their mom.

NP here but, tough. Such is life. They are adults, and this child's birth was presumably decades ago. It is not that child's fault they were born-- life happens.

Life is very tough, thanks for being kind about it. My sister is the product of a rape/incest (rape by family member). The family is of course very Catholic so it has caused quite a stir with her bio family. Imagine finding out that your mom had a child, that she was raped, and it was by her own stepfather who you grew up with and called him Pappi.

Yeah it isn't her fault she is alive, but she is a reminder of something awful to them all. No one wants to talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

The only thing that matters is that these people do not want your sister to contact them. If the tables were turned and your sister didn't want to be contacted by her birth mother, would your sister agree that she had to have contact, that she had no right not to communicate with this person? Or would she want to be left alone, as she expressly stated?

Your sister may want to meet this woman. But this woman does not want to meet her. This woman's family does not want to communicate with your sister. She cannot make them accept her. She cannot make them pass her message along to her birth mother. I suppose if she really wants to, she can blow up this woman's life, but she's not going to get a new family out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

From my sister's case, her found siblings had no idea their mother had had another child. It was a family secret. They might have just thought they'd find cousins not the secret love child of their mom.

NP here but, tough. Such is life. They are adults, and this child's birth was presumably decades ago. It is not that child's fault they were born-- life happens.

Life is very tough, thanks for being kind about it. My sister is the product of a rape/incest (rape by family member). The family is of course very Catholic so it has caused quite a stir with her bio family. Imagine finding out that your mom had a child, that she was raped, and it was by her own stepfather who you grew up with and called him Pappi.

Yeah it isn't her fault she is alive, but she is a reminder of something awful to them all. No one wants to talk to her.

And the child should pay the price for all of that decades later because people don't want to cope with it? Nope. Sorry. They don't have to invite her to Christmas dinner, but they can certainly be respectful and kind towards the child and answer questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are 100% on whatever side my sister is on, so they're saying the same thing my sister is saying. My sister thinks there's no right to privacy in this new age with DNA tests. It was a closed adoption but my parents always told my sister she was adopted and were open with her.

I don't blame my sister for wanting a second family. We have awesome parents and family, but who wouldn't want to see what their genetic mom and siblings are like? My sister wants to know everything- medical questions, what they look like, their family stories.

I sort of don't see this story ending well for anyone involved.

The birth family has made their wishes clear. How is your sister going to force them to accept her? Your parents are not helping.

Yup. They have made their wishes clear. Why your sister thinks that they are going to share their family stories with her is beyond me--they've told her clearly they want nothing to do with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole idea behind a closed and sealed adoption is just part of the whole 'evil' regime of shaming women and protecting men. Sorry, but the parties won't have privacy. However, the mother and siblings owe her nothing except the information at hand. She should not expect a "family."

BTW..I am in the same boat, however I was not expecting a family or contact. Several family (bio) were very open and friendly, but bio mother was not. She was an all around flawed person who had many issues. I was glad she did not raise me. I have also found bio father's family. He is long gone, but I won't contact the siblings. People need to realize now that there is no right to any privacy regarding this, despite what they were assured years ago. It was a dastardly system that scarred everyone, not the event of birth. And, it protected men who could dog around wherever and whenever. These DNA programs are not only sourcing adopted family members, but outing men who no one ever guessed were having affairs. Your sister is not her mother. She found what she needed to know, and now she needs to move on. She was lucky. This woman, her mother, was shamed and she is continuing the shame herself. DNA will stop this nonsense. #timesup

OP here. Is there always shame? The birth mother and father were very, very young. I believe they were 15 and obviously incapable of raising a baby. The birth mother thought she was doing the right thing in giving a baby parents who were adults and could provide. We don't know anything about the bio father. He wasn't ever listed or mentioned and hasn't shown up on ancestry. I'd assume both just moved on after a major teenage mistake.

NP here. Yes, but now that woman is what, 35? 40? Time to make peace with her past.