Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

My friend contacted a sibling (50 yo male) through one of those services, and it turned out that sibling was adopted too. They are now penpals but the guy was very upset initially to learn he was adopted. The guy's father had to tell him after all those years because apparently the deceased mom wanted to keep it all a secret so they had for 50+ years.

[Anonymous]

Every adoption is different but I would assume the family members have spoken to biological Mom and Mom has said no. At this point your sister needs to respect those wishes and move on. This is a huge issue with testing.

[Anonymous]

Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

From my sister's case, her found siblings had no idea their mother had had another child. It was a family secret. They might have just thought they'd find cousins not the secret love child of their mom.

NP here but, tough. Such is life. They are adults, and this child's birth was presumably decades ago. It is not that child's fault they were born-- life happens.

Life is very tough, thanks for being kind about it. My sister is the product of a rape/incest (rape by family member). The family is of course very Catholic so it has caused quite a stir with her bio family. Imagine finding out that your mom had a child, that she was raped, and it was by her own stepfather who you grew up with and called him Pappi.

Yeah it isn't her fault she is alive, but she is a reminder of something awful to them all. No one wants to talk to her.

And the child should pay the price for all of that decades later because people don't want to cope with it? Nope. Sorry. They don't have to invite her to Christmas dinner, but they can certainly be respectful and kind towards the child and answer questions.

As others have said, you cannot force them to be kind and talk to her. They weren't kind, and they haven't been. As I said before, the stuff said from siblings and mom were some of the meanest things I've ever read in my life - calling my sister an abomination, how they wish she'd just kill herself (with suggestions - yay!), etc. It has been very hard to watch as an outsider. As another adoptee, it has made me quite sure that I do not want to know.

OP all I wish for your sister is love and peace. She may not get peace though with this route. Still as a sister, my best advice is to support and love her through this journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If people don't want to be contacted by long lost relatives, why on earth do they put their DNA profiles up on the internet? People who get DNA tests have the option to make it public or not. Why make it public and then get mad about it?

Well, a lot of the times it's the "secret" relatives coming out of the woodwork that blows things up and causes the drama.

My adopted cousin went through something similar. She found relatives using one of the ancestry DNA sites and contacted them. Her adoption was closed as well. Turns out that it was closed because her bio mom had her in college and kept it a big secret from her family. My cousin contacting family members blew up bio mom's secret. She then had to tell HER still alive parents that she'd had a baby in college that she placed up for adoption as well as tell her siblings and her current husband/kids.

IMO, if your adoption was closed, it was closed for a reason and you shouldn't go looking for answers/bio parents. I only say that after seeing all the drama my cousin's exploration caused and all of the heartbreak she went through. Lots of "if I didn't want you in my life then, what makes you think I'd want you now?" type emails exchanged back and forth. She still stalks her bio mom's kid's Instagram pages and it has an overall negative effect on her, IMO. She watches them have this life with their mom that she imagined she'd get in her head. It's not like she had a bad life with my aunt & uncle either, it's just she built up a fantasy that didn't play out and instead of just cutting all ties, she stalks the kids and makes it worse for herself. Before watching her go through this, I was very much in favor of adoptees contacting and finding their bio parents.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is a pretty mixed thread. Half the respondents say that the birth mom's secret is up and she should fess up to her teenage pregnancy. And half say my sister shouldn't have contacted her.

My sister is still young and her whole life she was told at 18 she'd gain access to court documents if the birth mom had checked a box saying she would get the documents at 18 (even though it was a closed adoption). My sister had really looked forward to that and was upset at 18 that birth mom had said no.

I am staying out of it with my sister directly because I don't really agree with her contacting the birth mom but don't want to seem insensitive to my sister. I am trying to advise my parents though who are trying to help my sister through this.

[Anonymous]

Your sister and possibly your parents, if they're her support system, need to get to adoption-related counseling stat.

Signed, an adoptee who's found her birth family.

[Anonymous]

Why would you think I would want you now if I gave you up then?

What? Because most adoptions were not a result of the mother's choice. It was a societal mandate. What a stupid remark. But, when you find out the mother was an actual horrid person, then be glad you got out.

[Anonymous]

Your sister had the right to contact them, absolutely. And they now have the right to tell her to get lost and not give her any information she is asking for. What's she going to do, force them?

[Anonymous]

Overall it doesn't sound like your sister is prepared for possible rejection by the bio mom... she need to understand that while she has the right to reach out, she isn't entitled to any sort of relationship or even a response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole idea behind a closed and sealed adoption is just part of the whole 'evil' regime of shaming women and protecting men. Sorry, but the parties won't have privacy. However, the mother and siblings owe her nothing except the information at hand. She should not expect a "family."

Totally agree.

Agree with this too. She can contact them but expect nothing or possible outright hostility like pp mentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

Most were closed. Many were at the behest of the mother's family who were embarrassed. Nope, she is entitled to know everything about her birth, who she is related to, and anything pertinent. She is not entitled to a relationship, though.
Your "misunderstanding" is that she was not a puppy to be sold. She deserves ALL information regardless of archaic laws. You are sorely misunderstood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The birth mothers family and kids may not have known about the adoption so when they opted to be contacted it was likely they assumed distant cousins or something, not a sister.

This just brings up so many more issues with adoption and limited access to abortion.

Yea well they shouldn’t have assumed that when the natural result of allowing family member you don’t know contact you is...family you don’t know contact you. There’s certainly no guarantee as to what you will find. And if they are too stupid to think through the consequences of giving a private company their DNA then they need to look in the mirror before lashing out at someone else using the site the way it is designed to be used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people don't want to be contacted by long lost relatives, why on earth do they put their DNA profiles up on the internet? People who get DNA tests have the option to make it public or not. Why make it public and then get mad about it?

Well, a lot of the times it's the "secret" relatives coming out of the woodwork that blows things up and causes the drama.

My adopted cousin went through something similar. She found relatives using one of the ancestry DNA sites and contacted them. Her adoption was closed as well. Turns out that it was closed because her bio mom had her in college and kept it a big secret from her family. My cousin contacting family members blew up bio mom's secret. She then had to tell HER still alive parents that she'd had a baby in college that she placed up for adoption as well as tell her siblings and her current husband/kids.

IMO, if your adoption was closed, it was closed for a reason and you shouldn't go looking for answers/bio parents. I only say that after seeing all the drama my cousin's exploration caused and all of the heartbreak she went through. Lots of "if I didn't want you in my life then, what makes you think I'd want you now?" type emails exchanged back and forth. She still stalks her bio mom's kid's Instagram pages and it has an overall negative effect on her, IMO. She watches them have this life with their mom that she imagined she'd get in her head. It's not like she had a bad life with my aunt & uncle either, it's just she built up a fantasy that didn't play out and instead of just cutting all ties, she stalks the kids and makes it worse for herself. Before watching her go through this, I was very much in favor of adoptees contacting and finding their bio parents.

But secret relatives are a very foreseeable consequence of making your dna publicly available. My cousin discovered her dad was someone else. Pretty sure my grandfathers father isn’t who he thought it was either. These are all very obvious consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister and possibly your parents, if they're her support system, need to get to adoption-related counseling stat.

Signed, an adoptee who's found her birth family.

Best advice on this thread.