Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

As the adoptive mother of a beautiful DD, I have been reading this thread with horror. DD is korean so she knows she is adopted, but I don’t know what I’ll say if she wants to contact her family in 15 years. I normally would have been supportive, but I just don’t know anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the adoptive mother of a beautiful DD, I have been reading this thread with horror. DD is korean so she knows she is adopted, but I don’t know what I’ll say if she wants to contact her family in 15 years. I normally would have been supportive, but I just don’t know anymore.

I think you tell her that it’s possible her birth family may not want to talk to her and to tread lightly. Talk to a counselor who specializes in adoptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

From my sister's case, her found siblings had no idea their mother had had another child. It was a family secret. They might have just thought they'd find cousins not the secret love child of their mom.

NP here but, tough. Such is life. They are adults, and this child's birth was presumably decades ago. It is not that child's fault they were born-- life happens.

They are adults who don't want further contact. That needs to be respected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

From my sister's case, her found siblings had no idea their mother had had another child. It was a family secret. They might have just thought they'd find cousins not the secret love child of their mom.

NP here but, tough. Such is life. They are adults, and this child's birth was presumably decades ago. It is not that child's fault they were born-- life happens.

They are adults who don't want further contact. That needs to be respected.

For 18 years, sure. After that the adoptees right to their own human history trumps the comfort of the birth family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had some asshole contact me, saying we share a father. She tracked me through some cousin on my dad’s side who put her DNA online. I didn’t put any DNA online. She then peppered me with questions about “our” family. GTFOH. I told her that I have only two siblings—those I was raised with—and that her family is whoever raised her. She got very upset, so I called the police precinct near where she lived to have her cautioned.

I didn’t ask my father any questions or mention it to my mother because I don’t care. Some random jerk doesn’t get to blow up my family. The kind of selfish, aggressively intrusive person who seeks to override a closed adoption to wedge herself into others’ lives doesn’t deserve to be in my life IMO. I don’t need a kook occupying my time.

Harsh, but real.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

Most were closed. Many were at the behest of the mother's family who were embarrassed. Nope, she is entitled to know everything about her birth, who she is related to, and anything pertinent. She is not entitled to a relationship, though.
Your "misunderstanding" is that she was not a puppy to be sold. She deserves ALL information regardless of archaic laws. You are sorely misunderstood.

So get an order for medical information and leave them alone.

You cannot force someone to share their life story.

I met a woman, an adult adoptee. She insisted on pushing through, finding birth mom and getting her answers. Who is bio dad and why adoption? Who are the rest of my family? Well, bio dad is the S.O.B who kidnapped and raped bio mom. Not long after the adoptee got the answers she felt entitled to, bio mom killed herself. Now the adoptee has no answers. Her half siblings would have nothing to do with her. They knew nothing until she showed up.

Leave people alone when they have no interest. You have no clue what you could be dredging up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

Your sister is 1000% wrong her. The adoption was CLOSED and she knows it. She knows her birth mother wanted it that way. That was the intent of it being structured as it was. She's being disrespectful. Her needs do not trump those of her birth mother.

[Anonymous]

Everyone: the following states permit Adoptees to get their birth certificate when they are 18:
Hawaii
Ohio
Oregon
New Hampshire
Alabama
Alaska
Colorado
Rhode Island
Kansas
Maine

Plus most of Europe, the UK, Australia Canada and others.

More and more governments are recognizing the rights of adoptees to their own documents trumps birth parents secrecy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

From my sister's case, her found siblings had no idea their mother had had another child. It was a family secret. They might have just thought they'd find cousins not the secret love child of their mom.

NP here but, tough. Such is life. They are adults, and this child's birth was presumably decades ago. It is not that child's fault they were born-- life happens.

They are adults who don't want further contact. That needs to be respected.

For 18 years, sure. After that the adoptees right to their own human history trumps the comfort of the birth family.

If the birth family says no contact then what? Camp on their doorstep?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

Most were closed. Many were at the behest of the mother's family who were embarrassed. Nope, she is entitled to know everything about her birth, who she is related to, and anything pertinent. She is not entitled to a relationship, though.
Your "misunderstanding" is that she was not a puppy to be sold. She deserves ALL information regardless of archaic laws. You are sorely misunderstood.

So get an order for medical information and leave them alone.

You cannot force someone to share their life story.

I met a woman, an adult adoptee. She insisted on pushing through, finding birth mom and getting her answers. Who is bio dad and why adoption? Who are the rest of my family? Well, bio dad is the S.O.B who kidnapped and raped bio mom. Not long after the adoptee got the answers she felt entitled to, bio mom killed herself. Now the adoptee has no answers. Her half siblings would have nothing to do with her. They knew nothing until she showed up.

Leave people alone when they have no interest. You have no clue what you could be dredging up.

This. Sister has no right to anything beyond that, if she even has that. Comparing adopted to kids to puppies, by the way, is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I think it depends on what the specific needs are. If you put a child up for adoption and say have a particular cancer that runs in your family or everyone in your family has a heart attack at 40 or something like that I think the adoptee’s right to get family medical history trumps the right to privacy. But if it’s just for socialization maybe not as much.

My oldest brother was adopted through a closed adoption in the 1970s. He got Leukemia when he was 19 and they tracked down his mother due to a unique circumstance around his bone marrow. Turned out she wasn’t a match, and he died. She mailed us a nice card and some seashells after he died. She didn’t want to be contacted, and my brother didn’t push it.

[Anonymous]

Adoption seems like more and more a terrible idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I think it depends on what the specific needs are. If you put a child up for adoption and say have a particular cancer that runs in your family or everyone in your family has a heart attack at 40 or something like that I think the adoptee’s right to get family medical history trumps the right to privacy. But if it’s just for socialization maybe not as much.

My oldest brother was adopted through a closed adoption in the 1970s. He got Leukemia when he was 19 and they tracked down his mother due to a unique circumstance around his bone marrow. Turned out she wasn’t a match, and he died. She mailed us a nice card and some seashells after he died. She didn’t want to be contacted, and my brother didn’t push it.

Everyone agrees that the relationship aspect has no merit. No, they do not require the socialization. They do, however, absolutely deserve the information about who they are and how they got here. Other siblings do not need to "socialize" but the problem is the PARENT who was not honest, not the adoptee. Even the siblings have the right to know they have siblings- and no no one says they need to embrace them. That closed time of secrets is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

Most were closed. Many were at the behest of the mother's family who were embarrassed. Nope, she is entitled to know everything about her birth, who she is related to, and anything pertinent. She is not entitled to a relationship, though.
Your "misunderstanding" is that she was not a puppy to be sold. She deserves ALL information regardless of archaic laws. You are sorely misunderstood.

So get an order for medical information and leave them alone.

You cannot force someone to share their life story.

I met a woman, an adult adoptee. She insisted on pushing through, finding birth mom and getting her answers. Who is bio dad and why adoption? Who are the rest of my family? Well, bio dad is the S.O.B who kidnapped and raped bio mom. Not long after the adoptee got the answers she felt entitled to, bio mom killed herself. Now the adoptee has no answers. Her half siblings would have nothing to do with her. They knew nothing until she showed up.

Leave people alone when they have no interest. You have no clue what you could be dredging up.

This. Sister has no right to anything beyond that, if she even has that. Comparing adopted to kids to puppies, by the way, is disgusting.

Sure, it does sound disgusting, doesn't it? And yet, that is how children were processed. You got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone: the following states permit Adoptees to get their birth certificate when they are 18:
Hawaii
Ohio
Oregon
New Hampshire
Alabama
Alaska
Colorado
Rhode Island
Kansas
Maine

Plus most of Europe, the UK, Australia Canada and others.

More and more governments are recognizing the rights of adoptees to their own documents trumps birth parents secrecy.

DNA now has changed all this. We are no longer needing the paperwork. It is that easy.