If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women like this on DCUM make me value my spouse, with all the problems we have, so much more highly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does make sense, doesn't it? You made bad choices, believe your pooh doesn't smell and is in fact a delicacy, blame your husband for your bad choices, and believe people on an anonymous message board should admire you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue with you, sweetheart, is that you have an inflated sense of self esteem, and contempt for the man you, in your genuinely infinite wisdom, chose to marry. It does all make sense: you are a catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You missed the part about her being a self-described gift from god. Or you didn't, because you are the woman who she has an incredible body and that her husband is a loser.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm definitely not OP, scout's honor, but I think this PP is the woman who says she has the incredible body and is a catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a real catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

To add, on my part at least, a lot of it is boredom. We've been together for so long that I have begun to view him as a companion rather than a "boyfriend" that I get excited about. He's handsome and a great dad, but after years of the same old day-to-day happenings, I think this may just be the nature of many marriages.
I am in incredible shape yet he rarely compliments me on my looks/figure, despite me communicating this to him. He never makes me feel sexy. He rarely wants to be affectionate unless it leads to sex. Over the years, I have found myself to be much more extroverted, and it annoys me when he doesn't want to attend events/parties/causal gatherings. He isn't a huge conversationalist (spends a lot of time on his iPhone and Nextflix) when I'd love to be out doing something or even staying in and doing something simple like cooking.

I have a fairly high drive and though he's attractive with a good body, I like the lights off so I can think of someone else. That sounds horrible, I know. (And I don't fantasize of move stars, but more everyday guys/dads that are flirty and complimentary).

What's up with that response? She sounds like a catch and is refreshingly honest. Too bad you are threatened by that.

OP here. Just want to make it clear that was not me. I admit a bit of frustration from some of the responses but I have made a point not to be critical of individual posts from spouses who are sharing their situation. I did enjoy the post on the flatulent bobcat thread that spoofed her post, though.

How would anyone even know it was spoofing HER post in particular?

$5 saying you posted it OP. Her response obviously got under your skin. Perhaps this explains the lack of sex with your wife...

I'm wondering what would be funny about that? A woman with an incredible body IS a catch, just like a dude with an incredible body.

So? Is the issue with a woman who has a really high self esteem then? It's all starting to make sense...

LMAO. I didn't post the original comment. But thanks for showing your true colors

You seem very confused. And not just about how to properly format a reply

Maybe if you get really lucky she will explain to you how to post correctly.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW here who has had periods of ho-hum sex with my DH, periods of no-sex, and periods of hot crazy sex when I was desperate to do him (even after 10+ years of marriage).

What I think happens in marriage is partly boredom, but also partly that people stop taking risks in terms of revealing themselves. You can go meet some random guy for a one night stand and do whatever the hell you want or say whatever you want, because you'll never see him again. But your DH will be there forever and ever (hopefully) and although it seems like that would make it possible to be more revealing I think the truth is the opposite. It is scary to be truly revealing because what if you are rejected. And the truly revealing stuff is what is sexy.

OP, are you doing much self-revealing in sex? Would you ever tell your spouse one of your fantasies? Are you personally comfortable really "letting go" during sex and acting in ways that are intense and perhaps even potentially embarrassing? If not, then you can't really expect your spouse to act this way.

The other night DH and I were in bed, he wanted to do it and I wasn't so into it, but then he told me a tiny little fantasy he had that day and suddenly I was so turned on by (1) this peek into his private secret life and (2) the fact that he would take the risk of sharing that with me. Suddenly I wanted to do him. If you aren't taking real emotional risks, your spouse won't either. And that leads to a ho-hum sex life.

Also, do you really make sure your spouse has an orgasm with sex? Would you ever just devote the whole sex session to making sure your spouse has an orgasm? Start with a long massage, long session of oral sex, use a vibrator on her, whatever....? It is amazing how many guys simply do not know if a woman has had an orgasm. If you spouse has repeatedly had orgasm-free sex with you, that builds up resentment and a definite lack of enthusiasm. How would you feel if a woman kept wanting to have sex with you but you never got to come? It's potentially a very big issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So how does my DH keep me willing to have sex as much as he does?

1) He is very affectionate, even when there is no sex in his future. He is always hugging me, kissing when greeting or leaving, snuggling with me on the couch, holding my hand in public. We went many, many months without sex due to some things that were going on in our lives. His affection did not change at all.

2) He makes me feel like the sexiest woman in the world. Even after gaining 20+lbs. He tells me I'm beautiful and how lucky he is to have me. When I change clothes, he stops to stare at me and even grabs a boob. (Even when there is no sex in sight.)

3) He does a majority of the housework. He likes a cleaner house than me, so he does more of the work. But because of that, my sexual energy isn't being drained away by the dirty dishes in the sink.

4) I alway, alway, alway have an orgasm when we have sex (and usually more than one). So even if I'm tired or not in the mood, I can usually muster up the energy to start. Once we get going, I'm totally in the mood. Luckily, now I orgasm easily. So there isn't too much effort on my part and his. But in my younger days, it was very difficult. And the best boyfriend I had made sure that foreplay started hours, if not days ahead of time. Again with no pressure to have sex now. So we would deep kiss in the kitchen for 2 mins while making dinner. Or he would stroke my boobs during commercials on the couch. The key was no pressure to follow through that evening.

5) Now the one area he is lucky is I prefer we talk about sex vs non-verbal seduction. I much prefer a phone call at work telling me that he'd like to have sex tonight. Or a question on Sat morning about when would I like to have sex this weekend? I think because I don't see sex as a chore or one more thing I 'have to do', I don't mind scheduling it. I think what most women want is to be turned-on on a low level, so that when you do approch them, they want it also. But when you are at a zero, no sexual desire and a mounting to-do list, and sex is brought up--ugh.

Congrats on finding a finding a great compromise in your marital sex life. My DW and I are getting to where you two are, after years of intense struggle with libido differences.

I have to say, and not to rain on your parade (or mine) but to give you the opposite (predominantly male) point of view: this is still mildly depressing when you compare it to what men think sex will be like.

Your opening line - how my DH keeps me "willing" to have sex as much as he does. It implies, correctly I am sure, that you don't really want to be having that much sex with your husband but because he is so awesome outside of the bedroom, you allow him to have sex with you and you will usually enjoy yourself once it starts. Again, awesome! But it is so so so different to how men experience and want their partners to experience sex - a primal craving for it, an intense desire - which is something their girlfriends had or appeared to have for them in the early relationship years that men (in futility) try to recapture and waste hours and hours trying to solve as a problem.

With age and my sex drive leveling off to where I can be happy with sex a couple times a week, we are settling into this happy medium you describe above - and your and my DWs willingness to have sex and usually enjoy it fuels my appreciation for her and makes my non-sexual affection authentic.

Which brings me back to OP - you are looking for your wife to desire you the way you desire sex. It isn't going to happen, and will probably never happen for you unless you want to get divorced (and you wouldn't be the first person to get divorced from a decent marriage in search of passion). Women, by and large in long term relationships just aren't wired that way. There are some ravenous women out there, and sometimes women hit a ravenous peak at interval ages or a couple days a month. But given how you have described your wife's libido, I am afraid you are searching in vain for something that is not realistic for her.

Right. But you can't MAKE someone feel a certain way, no matter how much you want it. Sounds like the PP's husband has accepted that, and the point of her post is that his acceptance has led him to have a better sex life.

If you keep fixating on the fact that your wife does not experience or think of sex in the exact same way you do, then you are invalidating her experience.

Instead of letting that resentment grow, you need to just accept that your wife is different from you. Obsessing and fixating on it is not going to change anything, and it will just work you into a useless tizzy and alienate your wife from you.

Good luck.

By telling him to accept it and move on invalidated HIS experience. It is always amazing how one group or class demands validation of their point of view while denying the validity of another groups point of view. Doing this is a tactic to influence the other group to change while not making any compromises yourself. If you want to demand validation you also must give validation.

You've heard the expression, "beggars can't be chooses," yes? That is what is going on here. Typically men are the supplicants in this scenario. Take what you can get and be grateful or initiate divorce proceedings. Then you can have the SAME problem happen to you again in ten years. Lucky you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW here who has had periods of ho-hum sex with my DH, periods of no-sex, and periods of hot crazy sex when I was desperate to do him (even after 10+ years of marriage).

What I think happens in marriage is partly boredom, but also partly that people stop taking risks in terms of revealing themselves. You can go meet some random guy for a one night stand and do whatever the hell you want or say whatever you want, because you'll never see him again. But your DH will be there forever and ever (hopefully) and although it seems like that would make it possible to be more revealing I think the truth is the opposite. It is scary to be truly revealing because what if you are rejected. And the truly revealing stuff is what is sexy.

OP, are you doing much self-revealing in sex? Would you ever tell your spouse one of your fantasies? Are you personally comfortable really "letting go" during sex and acting in ways that are intense and perhaps even potentially embarrassing? If not, then you can't really expect your spouse to act this way.

The other night DH and I were in bed, he wanted to do it and I wasn't so into it, but then he told me a tiny little fantasy he had that day and suddenly I was so turned on by (1) this peek into his private secret life and (2) the fact that he would take the risk of sharing that with me. Suddenly I wanted to do him. If you aren't taking real emotional risks, your spouse won't either. And that leads to a ho-hum sex life.

Also, do you really make sure your spouse has an orgasm with sex? Would you ever just devote the whole sex session to making sure your spouse has an orgasm? Start with a long massage, long session of oral sex, use a vibrator on her, whatever....? It is amazing how many guys simply do not know if a woman has had an orgasm. If you spouse has repeatedly had orgasm-free sex with you, that builds up resentment and a definite lack of enthusiasm. How would you feel if a woman kept wanting to have sex with you but you never got to come? It's potentially a very big issue.

You know, this is a good point. We've all been assuming he does in this thread but maybe he doesn't. So many women can't orgasm alone from penetrative sex and just as many men don't want to give oral. If he's not going down on her routinely, you really can't blame her for not wanting to bother with it.

[Anonymous]

Why is it the man's obligation to ensure the woman has an orgasm during sex?

If she cared about having orgasms in the first place, she'd stop denying him sex. Without sex there can't be any chance of an orgasm during sex. You're putting the cart before the horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it the man's obligation to ensure the woman has an orgasm during sex?

If she cared about having orgasms in the first place, she'd stop denying him sex. Without sex there can't be any chance of an orgasm during sex. You're putting the cart before the horse.

If he's going to help me have an orgasm, why wouldn't I just masturbate? It's far more efficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it the man's obligation to ensure the woman has an orgasm during sex?

If she cared about having orgasms in the first place, she'd stop denying him sex. Without sex there can't be any chance of an orgasm during sex. You're putting the cart before the horse.

If he's going to help me have an orgasm, why wouldn't I just masturbate? It's far more efficient.

Should be if he's *not* going to help me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it the man's obligation to ensure the woman has an orgasm during sex?

If she cared about having orgasms in the first place, she'd stop denying him sex. Without sex there can't be any chance of an orgasm during sex. You're putting the cart before the horse.

If he's going to help me have an orgasm, why wouldn't I just masturbate? It's far more efficient.

But your vibrator doesn't do more chores, take you on date nights, connect with you emotionally, or touch you in nonsexual ways. According to the wisdom of dcum, you should never want to have sex with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it the man's obligation to ensure the woman has an orgasm during sex?

If she cared about having orgasms in the first place, she'd stop denying him sex. Without sex there can't be any chance of an orgasm during sex. You're putting the cart before the horse.

Not if she knows that he's not going to do anything to make sure she comes. What's the point for her other than making him happy? Why doesn't he want to make her happy too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it the man's obligation to ensure the woman has an orgasm during sex?

If she cared about having orgasms in the first place, she'd stop denying him sex. Without sex there can't be any chance of an orgasm during sex. You're putting the cart before the horse.

If he's going to help me have an orgasm, why wouldn't I just masturbate? It's far more efficient.

But your vibrator doesn't do more chores, take you on date nights, connect with you emotionally, or touch you in nonsexual ways. According to the wisdom of dcum, you should never want to have sex with it.

LOL! So true. DCUM has the most warped ideas of female sexual desire... very 1950s...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it the man's obligation to ensure the woman has an orgasm during sex?

If she cared about having orgasms in the first place, she'd stop denying him sex. Without sex there can't be any chance of an orgasm during sex. You're putting the cart before the horse.

Not if she knows that he's not going to do anything to make sure she comes. What's the point for her other than making him happy? Why doesn't he want to make her happy too?

+1

[Anonymous]

LOL

to the people that think women will have sex if we're not getting orgasms, just to make YOU happy so you can have one.

How about- nowadays, we have vibrators! Vibrators that are verrrrryyyyy effective.

If you can't prioritize our sexual pleasure, why in the HELL would we prioritize yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW here who has had periods of ho-hum sex with my DH, periods of no-sex, and periods of hot crazy sex when I was desperate to do him (even after 10+ years of marriage).

What I think happens in marriage is partly boredom, but also partly that people stop taking risks in terms of revealing themselves. You can go meet some random guy for a one night stand and do whatever the hell you want or say whatever you want, because you'll never see him again. But your DH will be there forever and ever (hopefully) and although it seems like that would make it possible to be more revealing I think the truth is the opposite. It is scary to be truly revealing because what if you are rejected. And the truly revealing stuff is what is sexy.

OP, are you doing much self-revealing in sex? Would you ever tell your spouse one of your fantasies? Are you personally comfortable really "letting go" during sex and acting in ways that are intense and perhaps even potentially embarrassing? If not, then you can't really expect your spouse to act this way.

The other night DH and I were in bed, he wanted to do it and I wasn't so into it, but then he told me a tiny little fantasy he had that day and suddenly I was so turned on by (1) this peek into his private secret life and (2) the fact that he would take the risk of sharing that with me. Suddenly I wanted to do him. If you aren't taking real emotional risks, your spouse won't either. And that leads to a ho-hum sex life.

Also, do you really make sure your spouse has an orgasm with sex? Would you ever just devote the whole sex session to making sure your spouse has an orgasm? Start with a long massage, long session of oral sex, use a vibrator on her, whatever....? It is amazing how many guys simply do not know if a woman has had an orgasm. If you spouse has repeatedly had orgasm-free sex with you, that builds up resentment and a definite lack of enthusiasm. How would you feel if a woman kept wanting to have sex with you but you never got to come? It's potentially a very big issue.

OP here. Sorry to disappoint all of you who jumped on the "he must suck in bed" bandwagon. I give her an O every time. Easily. I know her body very well. That is not an issue with us at all. As for the fantasy sharing suggestion, she is the one afraid to share that part of her self. I've tried it. No dice.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I just tape a small poster of Josh Bolin above the bed to the ceiling. Hubby doesn't notice and I can pretend that I hit that every night.

Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW here who has had periods of ho-hum sex with my DH, periods of no-sex, and periods of hot crazy sex when I was desperate to do him (even after 10+ years of marriage).

What I think happens in marriage is partly boredom, but also partly that people stop taking risks in terms of revealing themselves. You can go meet some random guy for a one night stand and do whatever the hell you want or say whatever you want, because you'll never see him again. But your DH will be there forever and ever (hopefully) and although it seems like that would make it possible to be more revealing I think the truth is the opposite. It is scary to be truly revealing because what if you are rejected. And the truly revealing stuff is what is sexy.

OP, are you doing much self-revealing in sex? Would you ever tell your spouse one of your fantasies? Are you personally comfortable really "letting go" during sex and acting in ways that are intense and perhaps even potentially embarrassing? If not, then you can't really expect your spouse to act this way.

The other night DH and I were in bed, he wanted to do it and I wasn't so into it, but then he told me a tiny little fantasy he had that day and suddenly I was so turned on by (1) this peek into his private secret life and (2) the fact that he would take the risk of sharing that with me. Suddenly I wanted to do him. If you aren't taking real emotional risks, your spouse won't either. And that leads to a ho-hum sex life.

Also, do you really make sure your spouse has an orgasm with sex? Would you ever just devote the whole sex session to making sure your spouse has an orgasm? Start with a long massage, long session of oral sex, use a vibrator on her, whatever....? It is amazing how many guys simply do not know if a woman has had an orgasm. If you spouse has repeatedly had orgasm-free sex with you, that builds up resentment and a definite lack of enthusiasm. How would you feel if a woman kept wanting to have sex with you but you never got to come? It's potentially a very big issue.

OP here. Sorry to disappoint all of you who jumped on the "he must suck in bed" bandwagon. I give her an O every time. Easily. I know her body very well. That is not an issue with us at all. As for the fantasy sharing suggestion, she is the one afraid to share that part of her self. I've tried it. No dice.

\

Huh. The more you reply the more I realize that it might just be your personality OP. Sorry, but you have a very whiny, kind of bitchy personality- super snarky and altogether rather bitter and unpleasant. For most people, that's gonna be a major turnoff.

Something to work on.