Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????[/quote]

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise? [/quote]

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.[/quote]

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires [b]letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child[/b]. [/quote]

That is the mark of a good parent.[/quote]

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.[/quote]

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. [b]You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child.[/b] Do you get it?[/quote]

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.[/quote]

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.[/quote]

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.[/quote]

Seriously? You don't think it's weird to just make unsolicited comments about someone's house? Oh I can handle it. But bringing it up is still an a-hole thing for you to do. Good grief. [/quote]

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