I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

I don’t think any of this is relevant
It is not socially acceptable if invited at x time, to push for an earlier time without a really good reason. Not with family, not with anyone you don’t live with
Your host could have a billion and one reasons they want you to come at x time and none of them are any of the guests business. Does not mean they don’t love the guest, does not mean anything beyond that person wants their guest to come at that time and the guest should be respectful of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I totally get the driving in the dark - why I said come at 4p (then they drive in the light and arrive at 4). She said no we want to come earlier than that.

Right, but maybe they’re stressed that it’s getting dark. My father is like this. He’s super anxious.

OK, then wait and come the next morning bright and early when the sun is blazing in all its glory. Problem solved.

Yes, it's not on OP to control someone else's anxiety in that situation.

[Anonymous]

If you need a retort, when they arrive at 4pm in broad daylight look around and say “Barbara if you had trouble driving in this much light maybe it’s time to give up the keys!”

But I don’t think you should stoop to her level just because she was rude to you. Boundaries are your right but we can’t control how people respond to them. You have every right to have guests arrive at a time that suits you and all that is required is to say “4pm is the earliest that works for us” repeat infinitely. Make sure you say it in a calm, polite tone. You can— if forced to say it more than twice— say “Barbara. I feel like you might be having trouble understanding me: four PM is the earliest that works for us” but make sure your tone is always polite, so there is no running to your DH about how you were rude.

[Anonymous]

Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

*reading social cues

[Anonymous]

"made me feel bad". Improve your language Op. You've made good strides with boundaries but have more work to do. Your passive word choice reflects that you're still not feeling adequately empowered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

Hosting isn’t your thing. Next time just invite then for Christmas day dinner or go
To their house. You don’t seem to have kids so traveling to them should be easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

Hosting isn’t your thing. Next time just invite then for Christmas day dinner or go
To their house. You don’t seem to have kids so traveling to them should be easy.

I do have kids (is this whole website not for moms?) 6 and 8
I actually love hosting but it’s v stressful when the guests are the ones who decide when and how long they are with you for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

Hosting isn’t your thing. Next time just invite then for Christmas day dinner or go
To their house. You don’t seem to have kids so traveling to them should be easy.

This. You're a bundle of stress and anxiety, OP. You don't need to be hosting (solo) under these circumstances. Go to their house, meet at a relative's or in a restaurant, or if your DH can handle it, not at all. You need a spa day more than anything.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why folks are giving OP such a hard time and really being pretty mean. This has been a hard year and I can totally empathize with not wanting 5 hours of FIL’s “help” in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posts like these remind me of how thankful I am that we both have normal relationships with our parents. I had no idea how rare it is. Both sets of our parents are welcome in our home at any time, especially the set that has to travel to get here. There is absolutely no circumstance where we would ever dictate or decline an arrival time, especially for the holidays. Yes, we both work so I understand how it feels to be short on time. But these are parents, not dinner party guests.

+1.

[Anonymous]

So sunset today was at 451 pm. All it takes is traffic and you are arriving on the dark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sunset today was at 451 pm. All it takes is traffic and you are arriving on the dark.

Then they can get on the road early and park themselves at a Starbucks near OP’s house until 4 pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

Hosting isn’t your thing. Next time just invite then for Christmas day dinner or go
To their house. You don’t seem to have kids so traveling to them should be easy.

I do have kids (is this whole website not for moms?) 6 and 8
I actually love hosting but it’s v stressful when the guests are the ones who decide when and how long they are with you for

I also don't think hosting your inlaws is your thing op. Why not go to them on Christmas afternoon. Then you can arrive after 5 and won't be so stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

Hosting isn’t your thing. Next time just invite then for Christmas day dinner or go
To their house. You don’t seem to have kids so traveling to them should be easy.

I do have kids (is this whole website not for moms?) 6 and 8
I actually love hosting but it’s v stressful when the guests are the ones who decide when and how long they are with you for

I also don't think hosting your inlaws is your thing op. Why not go to them on Christmas afternoon. Then you can arrive after 5 and won't be so stressed.

She doesn’t need to do that, when her ILs can just arrive when they’re invited.