Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses. I am considering reaching out to the birthday person to ask why I wasn't invited because I just want to get to the bottom of it. It feels really hurtful and I want to know what I did. I will let you know how it goes. I know this may seem bold, but I feel like I need to be direct (yet polite).

no OP no. there is nothing to get to the bottom of. here, I'll tell you the answer: She didn't want you there. The why is meaningless and not changeable.

and it doesn't seem bold btw, it seems foolish.

i'm sorry these things happen and it totally sucks but energy into other friends, other activities, etc is your next step.

This. Asking her is not going to make it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses. I am considering reaching out to the birthday person to ask why I wasn't invited because I just want to get to the bottom of it. It feels really hurtful and I want to know what I did. I will let you know how it goes. I know this may seem bold, but I feel like I need to be direct (yet polite).

no OP no. there is nothing to get to the bottom of. here, I'll tell you the answer: She didn't want you there. The why is meaningless and not changeable.

and it doesn't seem bold btw, it seems foolish.

i'm sorry these things happen and it totally sucks but energy into other friends, other activities, etc is your next step.

DP-- don't reach out. You need to be on the high ground here-- reaching out will make you seem needy and insecure. The reason you weren't invited is because you weren't - maybe the woman doesn't like you, maybe you didn't make the cut, maybe she was raised by wolves and doesn't know how behave-- who cares? At this point, it's awkward-- you'll make it worse for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird that some adult women are assuming that not inviting someone to an event is a significant gesture rather than something that happens because not everyone gets invited to everything every time.

You don't talk about it in front of people who aren't invited because there's no reason to rub their noses in it and because conversation is supposed to be about topics that everyone in the conversation is interested in.

That said, it's not s state secret. You don't have to swear everyone to secrecy because if an adult finds out that other adults did something without her, a mature adult just think, "Oh, I hope they had fun" and goes on with her life.

OP, if you can't manage that, you now know why they don't consider you a close friend and never will.

+1 OP stating she’s going to reach out to the birthday girl to “get to the bottom of it” is a clue into why she wasn’t invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's weird that some adult women are assuming that not inviting someone to an event is a significant gesture rather than something that happens because not everyone gets invited to everything every time.

You don't talk about it in front of people who aren't invited because there's no reason to rub their noses in it and because conversation is supposed to be about topics that everyone in the conversation is interested in.

That said, it's not s state secret. You don't have to swear everyone to secrecy because if an adult finds out that other adults did something without her, a mature adult just think, "Oh, I hope they had fun" and goes on with her life.

OP, if you can't manage that, you now know why they don't consider you a close friend and never will.

I think this PP nailed it. It is rude to discuss in a group setting something about which not everyone can join. It isn’t rude to have smaller gatherings and to inform people about your plans to go to one that the other person isn’t invited.

Except there was no group discussion about this. OP texted and asked about getting together. Then they all told bad lies individually and made no attempt to do anything to salvage the situation they were all aware of. A simple, can't this weekend how about next, would have indicated that OP was still a part of the group in their eyes.

We all know the unwritten rules of event hosting. You can't invite 75% of a small group to something, you need to invite 100% or less than 50%. What's more if you do leave someone out you have to assume they'll find out and be prepared. Unless there was some pre-existing separate connection with the others, like being school classmates, the group is a group.

[Anonymous]

I'm really intrigued by this thread. I think it gets to these broader question that has, over the last 10 years or so, become some of the most essential to my life:

What is a friend? What's the line between a friend and acquaintance? What are your obligations to friends, close friends, acquaintances, and just people? And what do they owe you in return.

I don't really know the answer to these questions but I think it's interesting how many people are responding to this thread with absolute confidence and authority that they do. Part of me agrees with people telling OP to just move on and not ask the birthday woman about it. I know that conversation is going to be awkward and could potentially turn out very badly for OP (OP, it could, you need to know). But also... I kind of want to know? I totally get why OP feels hurt and I am curious how the other woman thinks about it. If she even thinks about it at all, which she may not. It's very possible that only OP thinks of this group as a defined thing that might entitle her to an invite to a party for a woman she admits she is not that close to. But it's also possible the birthday woman also thinks of the group this way, knew she was risking some drama in deciding to keep OP off the invite list, and did it anyway. And maybe her reasons were benign ("I don't know this person that well, it's my birthday, I want to keep it small and familiar") and maybe they were antagonistic ("I don't like her and I don't care that inviting her is the polite thing -- it's my birthday"). I would support the choice either way, but I find it interesting.

I feel like Marie Kondo. "I love mess." But only because it's not mine. This would really stress me out if I were one of the involved parties.

(Though, FTR, if I was one of the other friends I would have let OP know what we were doing, in a gentle way, just so she wasn't surprised when she eventually found it, which she obviously was going to given the closeness of the husbands in the group. You can't trust men! One of the truest things OP says is that men are dumb about this stuff."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's weird that some adult women are assuming that not inviting someone to an event is a significant gesture rather than something that happens because not everyone gets invited to everything every time.

You don't talk about it in front of people who aren't invited because there's no reason to rub their noses in it and because conversation is supposed to be about topics that everyone in the conversation is interested in.

That said, it's not s state secret. You don't have to swear everyone to secrecy because if an adult finds out that other adults did something without her, a mature adult just think, "Oh, I hope they had fun" and goes on with her life.

OP, if you can't manage that, you now know why they don't consider you a close friend and never will.

+1 OP stating she’s going to reach out to the birthday girl to “get to the bottom of it” is a clue into why she wasn’t invited.

THIS. I don't have time or patience for whining, needy Desperado types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Except there was no group discussion about this. OP texted and asked about getting together. Then they all told bad lies individually and made no attempt to do anything to salvage the situation they were all aware of. A simple, can't this weekend how about next, would have indicated that OP was still a part of the group in their eyes.

We all know the unwritten rules of event hosting. You can't invite 75% of a small group to something, you need to invite 100% or less than 50%. What's more if you do leave someone out you have to assume they'll find out and be prepared. Unless there was some pre-existing separate connection with the others, like being school classmates, the group is a group.

No. According to OP "Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what."

This is exactly how you handle it when you have plans that don't include someone. You don't bring it up. If the person asks, you say "Oh, sorry, I'm busy then."

Those rules about percentages are for little kids. OP is supposed to be a grown-up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really intrigued by this thread. I think it gets to these broader question that has, over the last 10 years or so, become some of the most essential to my life:

What is a friend? What's the line between a friend and acquaintance? What are your obligations to friends, close friends, acquaintances, and just people? And what do they owe you in return.

I don't really know the answer to these questions but I think it's interesting how many people are responding to this thread with absolute confidence and authority that they do. Part of me agrees with people telling OP to just move on and not ask the birthday woman about it. I know that conversation is going to be awkward and could potentially turn out very badly for OP (OP, it could, you need to know). But also... I kind of want to know? I totally get why OP feels hurt and I am curious how the other woman thinks about it. If she even thinks about it at all, which she may not. It's very possible that only OP thinks of this group as a defined thing that might entitle her to an invite to a party for a woman she admits she is not that close to. But it's also possible the birthday woman also thinks of the group this way, knew she was risking some drama in deciding to keep OP off the invite list, and did it anyway. And maybe her reasons were benign ("I don't know this person that well, it's my birthday, I want to keep it small and familiar") and maybe they were antagonistic ("I don't like her and I don't care that inviting her is the polite thing -- it's my birthday"). I would support the choice either way, but I find it interesting.

I feel like Marie Kondo. "I love mess." But only because it's not mine. This would really stress me out if I were one of the involved parties.

(Though, FTR, if I was one of the other friends I would have let OP know what we were doing, in a gentle way, just so she wasn't surprised when she eventually found it, which shpe obviously was going to given the closeness of the husbands in the group. You can't trust men! One of the truest things OP says is that men are dumb about this stuff."

I agree that this is fascinating. What fascinates me most is the way in which unwritten social rules are evolving on the balance between societal needs and individual desires. I wish I knew the generational breakdown of the various responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Except there was no group discussion about this. OP texted and asked about getting together. Then they all told bad lies individually and made no attempt to do anything to salvage the situation they were all aware of. A simple, can't this weekend how about next, would have indicated that OP was still a part of the group in their eyes.

We all know the unwritten rules of event hosting. You can't invite 75% of a small group to something, you need to invite 100% or less than 50%. What's more if you do leave someone out you have to assume they'll find out and be prepared. Unless there was some pre-existing separate connection with the others, like being school classmates, the group is a group.

No. According to OP "Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what."

This is exactly how you handle it when you have plans that don't include someone. You don't bring it up. If the person asks, you say "Oh, sorry, I'm busy then."

Those rules about percentages are for little kids. OP is supposed to be a grown-up

Exactly. No one lied to OP. It makes sense to feel a sting, but that's about it. If everyone in the group is otherwise friendly and inclusive with OP, she should let this go and understand this can sometimes be part of group dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Except there was no group discussion about this. OP texted and asked about getting together. Then they all told bad lies individually and made no attempt to do anything to salvage the situation they were all aware of. A simple, can't this weekend how about next, would have indicated that OP was still a part of the group in their eyes.

We all know the unwritten rules of event hosting. You can't invite 75% of a small group to something, you need to invite 100% or less than 50%. What's more if you do leave someone out you have to assume they'll find out and be prepared. Unless there was some pre-existing separate connection with the others, like being school classmates, the group is a group.

No. According to OP "Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what."

This is exactly how you handle it when you have plans that don't include someone. You don't bring it up. If the person asks, you say "Oh, sorry, I'm busy then."

Those rules about percentages are for little kids. OP is supposed to be a grown-up

No, the rules are for all ages and all events. We emphasize them for our kids to teach them the right way. I thought we all learned this when putting together our wedding invite lists

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Except there was no group discussion about this. OP texted and asked about getting together. Then they all told bad lies individually and made no attempt to do anything to salvage the situation they were all aware of. A simple, can't this weekend how about next, would have indicated that OP was still a part of the group in their eyes.

We all know the unwritten rules of event hosting. You can't invite 75% of a small group to something, you need to invite 100% or less than 50%. What's more if you do leave someone out you have to assume they'll find out and be prepared. Unless there was some pre-existing separate connection with the others, like being school classmates, the group is a group.

No. According to OP "Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what."

This is exactly how you handle it when you have plans that don't include someone. You don't bring it up. If the person asks, you say "Oh, sorry, I'm busy then."

Those rules about percentages are for little kids. OP is supposed to be a grown-up

No, the rules are for all ages and all events. We emphasize them for our kids to teach them the right way. I thought we all learned this when putting together our wedding invite lists

I agree, if you have a group of couples that you regularly socialize with, and birthday girl includes all of the wives but one - it’s petty. COVID limits are gone in restaurants, birthday girl was just being rude. Would it have really have killed her to invite one more? I know people who do nonsense like this in their 30s and 40s and it’s people who like drama. Honestly, it’s not like it was a dinner with just two or three people, it was a large event. Even if the birthday girl isn’t super close with the left out OP, if they regularly hang out in a group (and I’m assuming that there is a group text chain somewhere), it was immature of the birthday girl to leave her out. But there are lots of women like that.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I would be pissed. I would actually take one of the friends aside and ask if there was something you did to piss off the birthday girl or if there is something glaringly obviously lacking in you that you can't see. A real friend will tell you. Fake friends will make an excuse.
I guess you'd have your answer then.

[Anonymous]

Hi again, it's the OP. I texted her and said: This may seem awkward, but i hope I didn't do anything to offend you. I found out about your birthday party and have to admit feeling left out given how often we hang out in a group. I hope we're on good terms. I don't say this to insist on an invite but just to make sure there's no friction between us.

Waiting on a response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi again, it's the OP. I texted her and said: This may seem awkward, but i hope I didn't do anything to offend you. I found out about your birthday party and have to admit feeling left out given how often we hang out in a group. I hope we're on good terms. I don't say this to insist on an invite but just to make sure there's no friction between us.

Waiting on a response.

So are we!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi again, it's the OP. I texted her and said: This may seem awkward, but i hope I didn't do anything to offend you. I found out about your birthday party and have to admit feeling left out given how often we hang out in a group. I hope we're on good terms. I don't say this to insist on an invite but just to make sure there's no friction between us.

Waiting on a response.

So are we!

Add me to list too.