Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you did that in a respectful way that honored yourself AND the birthday girl.
No matter how it turns out, this is still the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi again, it's the OP. I texted her and said: This may seem awkward, but i hope I didn't do anything to offend you. I found out about your birthday party and have to admit feeling left out given how often we hang out in a group. I hope we're on good terms. I don't say this to insist on an invite but just to make sure there's no friction between us.

Waiting on a response.

I'm a PP who thought it unwise for you to reach out but think this is a very mature way to do it. Hoping your friend responds in kind.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly how you handle it when you have plans that don't include someone. You don't bring it up. If the person asks, you say "Oh, sorry, I'm busy then."

+100.

This "group" nonsense is for the birds. You cannot always include everyone. It's unclear how much of a group this really is in the host's eyes. It could be one of many, many "groups" she is part of. Aka various friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi again, it's the OP. I texted her and said: This may seem awkward, but i hope I didn't do anything to offend you. I found out about your birthday party and have to admit feeling left out given how often we hang out in a group. I hope we're on good terms. I don't say this to insist on an invite but just to make sure there's no friction between us.

Waiting on a response.

This is a massive fail. You aren't going to get a response. You've put her on the spot and no one likes that. Especially over text, which is so passive-aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Oh MY. I can’t believe you actually texted her. You needed to let this go, but now it’s going to be a grenade in the group. Guess you were done with them anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: You've put her on the spot and no one likes that. Especially over text, which is so passive-aggressive.

what is PA about a text? How is talking in person any different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh MY. I can’t believe you actually texted her. You needed to let this go, but now it’s going to be a grenade in the group. Guess you were done with them anyway.

+1

I mean honestly, what kind of response would you expect to a text like that ? " Oh I'm so sorry, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings, the restaurant only had a table for 12 and you'd make 13 so we had to drop you off the list..." or "I'll make it up to you with a private party at my house"

I mean seriously, what do you expect?

They don't like you. THATs why they didn't invite you. It's simple. You can't please everyone, so what if they don't like you - go and meet some new people.

[Anonymous]

OP, you had my sympathy. But you’ve just ensured that next get together—if there is another one—is going to be really awkward.

[Anonymous]

I can’t wait for the birthday girl to start her own thread about this weird, not close friend chastising her for choosing her own guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t wait for the birthday girl to start her own thread about this weird, not close friend chastising her for choosing her own guests.

Also meant to add that I agree that OP’s text is a massive fail, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a get together and invite all the other girls and not her. Then make sure she found out about it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: You've put her on the spot and no one likes that. Especially over text, which is so passive-aggressive.

what is PA about a text? How is talking in person any different?

If you can't say it to someone's face, it's probably not a good thing to say it, and yet OP went ahead and did it.

This may seem awkward

Ya think?

but i hope I didn't do anything to offend you.

Because that's the only reason someone wouldn't invite you to a small gathering.

I found out about your birthday party and have to admit feeling left out given how often we hang out in a group.

You.owe.me

I don't say this to insist on an invite

"Insisting on an invite" is not a thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have a get together and invite all the other girls and not her. Then make sure she found out about it.

+1

God, I hope neither of you have daughters.

[Anonymous]

I like the way you texted her, I would not have been offended to receive such a text. But I wouldn’t have cared to have an additional person, either. I think the truth is when you find your people, you don’t have to worry about shi* like this. Fwiw I’m 46 and not in any ‘friend groups’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you had my sympathy. But you’ve just ensured that next get together—if there is another one—is going to be really awkward.

awkward was the friends being cagey about their ‘business’ Awkward is not having everything out in the open. You can’t have it both ways, it’s either rude not to invite her, or rude to talk about it to the uninvited friend, but it can’t be both. It’s either not a big deal, or it is. No one should be covering anything up if everything is above board.