How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

I disagree vehemently with this line of thinking. One of my kids was a top student, a true intellectual, had excellent test scores, and was heavily involved in extracurriculars. Still, she knew how college admissions worked and didn't talk of "dream" schools. Her college list was, I'll bet, a lot like the OP's: Brown, Wesleyan, Carleton, Grinnell, and William & Mary. Brown was a reach, obviously, and she didn't even blink when she didn't get in. She thought Wesleyan to be a match, it looked that way on paper, and it was her first choice -- but Wesleyan rejected her too, while accepting her best friend. Carleton, on the other hand, accepted my daughter and rejected the best friend, confirming that at this level it really is a crapshoot. In the end, my daughter ended up at Grinnell and absolutely loved it, and she certainly didn't mope and regret all of her hard work in high school. Unlike OP and her daughter, she realized how lucky and privileged she is, and she reacted like a grown up.

I'd also guess that people like this want their own kids to have "resilience" and "grit," or lament that other people's kids don't have these magical qualities. And then when their kids experience some "hardship" (which this isn't even), they want to figure out how to console them, make them feel better, etc.

In reality, OP's daughter hasn't experienced a real hardship. She can feel bad that she didn't get into her top choice, but that's it. OP should not be enabling or playing along with her pity party. If this is how her daughter reacts now, she's in for a world of hurt when something objectively bad happens. Now is a good chance to practice dealing with "failure" in an incredibly low-stakes way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread seems to have touched a nerve. I think this year has opened the eyes of the privileged regarding what happens when the masses awaken. In the past, private school kids in metros knew they would apply to elite schools, and they expected great results. With test optional, smart kids across the country of varying or no levels of privilege applied to the same schools. With greater competition, it’s less clear, now and in the future, that the privileged will have the access they once enjoyed. Many are mourning the loss.

Did the “masses awaken,” or did a pandemic hit, which made it unfeasible for a number of months to administer standardized testing, and therefore out of fairness schools went test optional? Plus grading, extracurriculars, letters of recommendation all in flux made this year’s cycle a free for all. Just sayin’.

You tell me. Are colleges going to do test optional again next year even though there will likely be no pandemic? Will international and domestic minority applications continue to increase under a progressive administration? Will there continue to be pressure to accept more minorities to address changes in ranking methodology and awareness about social equity? These seem like longer-term changes that the pandemic accelerated. Just sayin’.

[Anonymous]

I have not read all of the responses so forgive me if this is repeat info.

First, my kid had similar stats from a top private school and did not even apply to an Ivy. Kids from her school with higher stats did not get into Ivy League schools. No problem applying but it was a long shot for your DD. Ivies are a crap shoot for everyone. She needs to understand and internalize this.

Second, not matter where she ends up, the hard work will make her well prepared. My DD noted that her school had really prepared her well for college (and many around her are struggling). You need a cultural shift (but it’s too late). High school is about learning, not about getting into college. Perhaps the schools could see she was about checking boxes not intellectual curiosity.

Third. She should have followed the “love your safeties” rule. We visited the safeties and told DD not to apply anywhere she would not be happy. There are thousands of colleges. She really could not find 3 true safeties that she would like? At this point, start visiting the safeties and talking them up. She needs to get on the class social media, Diacord servers, etc.. and met the other students. It will give her an idea of which she prefers. She may click with students at one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will international and domestic minority applications continue to increase under a progressive administration?

You are going to have to explain this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

It is very unhealthy to have your “whole identity” wrapped up in one thing.

Those are the type of people who kill themselves when the one thing goes south.

Maybe this will teach healthy balance.

+1, and even more so when your "whole identity" is wrapped up in being a good student. Really?

My DC, a Blair magnet grade (1580 SAT, 4.8 weighted GPA) hated that so many peers had their entire identities tied to achievement. DC is at a relatively low-key college, is excelling, and is happy to have left people who think that way behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read all of the responses so forgive me if this is repeat info.

First, my kid had similar stats from a top private school and did not even apply to an Ivy. Kids from her school with higher stats did not get into Ivy League schools. No problem applying but it was a long shot for your DD. Ivies are a crap shoot for everyone. She needs to understand and internalize this.

Second, not matter where she ends up, the hard work will make her well prepared. My DD noted that her school had really prepared her well for college (and many around her are struggling). You need a cultural shift (but it’s too late). High school is about learning, not about getting into college. Perhaps the schools could see she was about checking boxes not intellectual curiosity.

Third. She should have followed the “love your safeties” rule. We visited the safeties and told DD not to apply anywhere she would not be happy. There are thousands of colleges. She really could not find 3 true safeties that she would like? At this point, start visiting the safeties and talking them up. She needs to get on the class social media, Diacord servers, etc.. and met the other students. It will give her an idea of which she prefers. She may click with students at one of them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread seems to have touched a nerve. I think this year has opened the eyes of the privileged regarding what happens when the masses awaken. In the past, private school kids in metros knew they would apply to elite schools, and they expected great results. With test optional, smart kids across the country of varying or no levels of privilege applied to the same schools. With greater competition, it’s less clear, now and in the future, that the privileged will have the access they once enjoyed. Many are mourning the loss.

I am curious how the kids with little to no privilege are paying for these elite schools? Loans? Financial aid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will international and domestic minority applications continue to increase under a progressive administration?

You are going to have to explain this one.

Visa quotas and opportunities to remain in the US after graduation and interpretations of immigration rules and regulations will be more liberal under the Biden administration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread seems to have touched a nerve. I think this year has opened the eyes of the privileged regarding what happens when the masses awaken. In the past, private school kids in metros knew they would apply to elite schools, and they expected great results. With test optional, smart kids across the country of varying or no levels of privilege applied to the same schools. With greater competition, it’s less clear, now and in the future, that the privileged will have the access they once enjoyed. Many are mourning the loss.

I am curious how the kids with little to no privilege are paying for these elite schools? Loans? Financial aid?

Yes, financial aid, most of it federal, state, and institutional grants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will international and domestic minority applications continue to increase under a progressive administration?

You are going to have to explain this one.

Visa quotas and opportunities to remain in the US after graduation and interpretations of immigration rules and regulations will be more liberal under the Biden administration.

What? Those are a lot of big words but what do they actually mean and what do they have to do with this thread. In other words, what on earth are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

When you encourage a child’s entire world to be wrapped up with academics and your version of success, this is what you get. Millions of kids across the country are happily accepting offers to solid state schools. Many of them have stats as good as, if not bettter than, the OP’s daughter. Those kids will have a blast in college! They’ll get into good grad schools. And they’ll likely be very successful in whatever they decide to do. They’ll likely do so without the mental health issues created by being pushed to be the perfect student, the perfect athlete, the perfect musician, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread seems to have touched a nerve. I think this year has opened the eyes of the privileged regarding what happens when the masses awaken. In the past, private school kids in metros knew they would apply to elite schools, and they expected great results. With test optional, smart kids across the country of varying or no levels of privilege applied to the same schools. With greater competition, it’s less clear, now and in the future, that the privileged will have the access they once enjoyed. Many are mourning the loss.

I am curious how the kids with little to no privilege are paying for these elite schools? Loans? Financial aid?

Yes, financial aid, most of it federal, state, and institutional grants.

To get a sense of an aid package, go to the net price calculator for an elite school and enter a family income of $50k, $75k, $100k, $125k. It’s almost all grants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will international and domestic minority applications continue to increase under a progressive administration?

You are going to have to explain this one.

Visa quotas and opportunities to remain in the US after graduation and interpretations of immigration rules and regulations will be more liberal under the Biden administration.

Yah I meant the other part thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will international and domestic minority applications continue to increase under a progressive administration?

You are going to have to explain this one.

Visa quotas and opportunities to remain in the US after graduation and interpretations of immigration rules and regulations will be more liberal under the Biden administration.

What? Those are a lot of big words but what do they actually mean and what do they have to do with this thread. In other words, what on earth are you talking about?

Did you see the movie “Knives Out”? PP is likely one of the entitled elite who is now distraught by the unfairness of having to compete on an even playing field with the unwashed masses. Has nothing to do with OP’s issue.

[Anonymous]

I really can't believe that anyone told her that WM was a safety. That's strange. Are you in-state? Does your big 5 have a track record with the college? Good news she got in, WM is every bit as prestigious as most anywhere. My sibling went there for undergrad and Harvard for grad. She should not have applied if she didn't like it, and I'm confused about what's not to like. Brilliant kids, steeped in history, national name recognition, and doesn't cost a ton. Thinking about it as a disappointing safety makes me wonder what kind of kid you've raised, sincerely. She is going to have a tough time when she figures out that hard work doesn't necessarily yield the results she's looking for.